Guilt

So. Trey asked me today... in not so many words, why we aren't a couple yet. Actually, she pretty much said that she couldn't understand why we're not  a couple yet. And I told her I wasn't ready and that I don't want to rush things. And immediately she said, okay, that's fine but she doesn't think we need to take a step back and that she has to think about some things.

And now I feel like a pretty huge fucking jackass for hurting her feelings. But I don't know why. Because I can't understand why not wanting to be in a relationship after only about a month of talking is a bad thing. Sure. We've had sex. My bad? It wasn't exactly my idea. She didn't exactly have to seduce me but I tried to back off but that's not what she wanted. And the other day, she was speaking with her exgirlfriend Jenn about us having sex and Jenn said something about "having sex makes you think you like someone more than you actually do" and I suggested we stop having sex then and she said no.

So why do I feel like a jerk? I'm sorry but I never asked for a girlfriend. I never said I wanted one. I said that I wanted to focus on becoming a better me and that I had goals and stuff that I needed to accomplish. That I needed to change. It just so happen that wanting those things makes me appealing and a very awesome, attractive person noticed me and I noticed them back. How is that a crime?

I like Trey. I really do. I love spending time together and learning more and making her smile and having her make me smile in return. I want to become more with her one day but right now just isn't that day. I'm too fucked up. And I know this.

No, I'm not talking to anyone else. No, I don't want to talk to anyone else. I'm not sleeping with anyone else nor do I want to. I like Trey. I want Trey. But I can't afford to lose myself in a relationship or a woman right now. Everytime things go wrong in my life, its because I got blinded by a girl and fucked things up for myself. I know who I am and how I am and I know what I fucking need right now.

But still, that's not enough. Its not enough to be the only person in my heart or mind. Its not enough to want to be with you. To want you and only you.

Why must you have all of me? Its only been a month.

I don't know. I don't know what to do or think but I know that my mind isn't going to change just because she wants it to. Because she wants more than what I am willing to give right now. If she wants to stop seeing each other than fine. But I've done that "fools rush in" thing and you know what, only fools rush in. This isn't a fucking movie. We do need to take a step back and slow things down if she is going to get upset by the fact that I don't want a girlfriend after only a month of knowing her. There is so much I don't know. So much I should know. And there is so much about myself.

I honestly think we need to slow down. I've already spent so much time and energy and money on her already. I can't afford to visit every weekend. That's an insane amount of gas money and miles. I haven't had a whole weekend to myself since we met.

Like. I still want to be my own person. And that is the main reason. Because I still want to be me. And its already difficult enough because I have no idea who I actually am and adding someone and becoming an "us" and leaving behind all the things I love in order to care or love another person is too fucking much for me right now. Why do I feel bad about not going to see her for a weekend when we spent last weekend together and we're spending the following weekend together and I just saw her a day ago?

Why do I already feel as if I can't be me? I feel like wanting to watch Degrassi on Friday nights and sleep in on Saturdays and go to the gym and then watch Young Justice in the morning and Naruto at night and play videogames and text people and everything is wrong? Like I should want to use all the time it takes to do those things and spend it with her?

This is all insane. I feel like I'm already losing myself.

I don't want something that's fake. I don't want a facebook girlfriend. I don't want to have to put myself second. Maybe that is selfish but that's just how I feel. Like I need to spend more of my time and energy and money doing things I want and not trying to make someone else happy. Because in the end I have to be happy. And doing that isn't going to make me fucking happy.