No Friends

So. Kyla and this new bitch she is dating are really just... unbelievable. Like, this is such dysfunction and Kyla is just going with it and its really been bothering me and I can't figure out why. Maybe I did have feelings for Kyla way back when, before I ever laid eyes on Trey and my entire world like shifted but those feelings are gone. Now I just really saw her as a friend. Someone I could depend upon, not for anything big but just for small stuff, like when I'm having some kind of anxiety about Trey or Morgan or work I could call her and talk. Or I could just write a bunch of random stuff on her facebook timeline. And then this girl comes in and just ruins that and has Kyla thinking I'm in love with her and that I'm hating on her girl and just all this nonsense. And before I know it, Kyla and this chick are "not actually engaged" but pretty fucking much and I can't even ask a question about anything without her being all distant and hesitant and just.. like... whatever.

Obviously, we didn't have a friendship at all. If this random chick from the net who she has only ever Skyped/Called but never seen or spent any real time with can just come and tear apart whatever friendship I thought we had then it wasn't friendship. It was nothing. And I don't stick around for nothing. Like, I wanted Kyla to be happy and be with someone who deserved her because I thought she was pretty great. It didn't matter who the girl was as long as she treated her right. But this girl doesn't at all and somehow I am the one that is in the wrong.

Well. What's done is done. Kyla has so obviously made a decision I didn't even know needed to be made and I will learn to accept that.

I think the real kicker is that I thought we were actual friends. But we weren't. And I need real friends. And I have none.

I have Nana who has her own life with two beautiful kids and a new boyfriend in Chicago. I have Morgan who has her own life with a gang of girls who are just dying for her attention in Joplin. I have sisters who have lives with work and boyfriends and all that stuff. I have Okazaki who has a life and a girlfriend and a good job.

I'm not saying I want to be someone's entire life but I wish these people had room in their lives for me the way I have room in my life for them. I would drop what I'm doing to talk to these people. I'd give them my last dollar. I'd do absolutely anything for them. But most days I can't even get a text back from any of them. I just want a friend who will be a friend. But I have none. I thought Kyla was my friend but she isn't. She isn't anything.

Oh well. I guess I don't need real friends.