Seven Days From Now

Okay, this is the real, real of it all because what is the point of being dishonest with your fucking self?? 

I think I'm falling in love with Ande. I don't know for sure because I am literally afraid of falling in love and have an aversion to it, really. But... what is happening, how I feel... it could be love. Maybe not "in love" but I am starting to love this person and I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to talk about it because thinking and talking about it just makes the feelings stronger but I was with them yesterday/today and all of last night I just kept thinking about how much I loved being with them and touching them. Fucking talking to them... I love it. (Dude, I almost started talking about Ohio while I was with them and to be honest a part of me wanted to tell them. I wanted to tell them. I never want to tell anyone anything ever...)

I don't know what to do.

They are poly and heading back to Massachusetts in exactly seven days and I can't help feeling that I want to sit around, waiting for them to come back. This is like test. A test of all of the progress that I've made in the last few years, since dating Caitlin and Trey.

I know that I am trying to find someone that I can be with and relate to and I have no idea why the universe gave me someone so wonderful who is polyarmous and never wants to be in a serious relationship, ever again but it did and I have no idea what to do about it. Anderson is wonderful. Talking to them is wonderful. Being with them is wonderful. Feeling them is wonderful. Fucking them is wonderful. They are the perfect package. Or... at least they would be if they were monogamous. I mean, there is actually nothing wrong with being poly, except I want to have someone who belong to me in some way. Whose heart belongs to me. And if they could do that and still date others, that would be rad. But I don't think they have the capacity to "belong" to a person. I think it's all just dating for them. No room for a relationship, even if it was a poly one.

Whatever though. This is going to self-destruct. Or fade into nothing.

Either way my heart will be broken and I will be left wondering what the fuck I was thinking ever trying. 

I try... because my heart wants to love someone who is worthy of loving. My heart wants to care about someone worthy of caring. My heart... is so tired of being alone and the pain and emptiness that accompanies being alone. And my heart just wants to be cared about. My heart doesn't want to be so alone anymore. And my mind... wants to be with someone who is cool and awesome but also loving and kind. And when it finds this person, this person that my mind and heart can both agree on, its hard to get them to stop at the red flags like "22 years old" or "lives in MA" or "Is poly." They only know what they and not exactly what is altogether good for them...

I miss Anderson. I need to go to sleep. I probably need to come. I know I need to shower. And I need to stop thinking about Anderson and how much I wish that they were mine. At least a part of them.

And is the part the sucks and stings and is just shitty. I don't need to have all of them, I just want a part of them. But I can't have any of them. None of them will ever belong to me at all, no matter how much I want it to.

Oh well. I need to go to bed. 

So Lonely

Day... I don't even know, of being alone. Let's be real. My last relationship was three years ago. When I was with Trey... which was like 2013. 2013 man. 2013. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being alone. And I'm tired of holding back.

When I like a person, they never like me the same and I have to hold back how much I like them, or that I like them at all. And it's so exhausting. And so shitty. I'm tired. Like... literally just tired.

I wish I knew how to not want to have someone. How to not want to not be alone. How to not want attention or affection.

Ugh. I feel so starved for attention and physical affection.

I know. I'm not completely single. Well... completely alone?? Completely... whatever. I am seeing someone but they are not much of a conversationalist and it drives me crazy. And with my being in Colorado, it is just irritating me, because I am super busy all day at BLC and the tiny little window I have to text and the conversation just isn't there. And when school starts back for the both of us, I'm going to just lose interest. Because as much as I love having time to myself to chill or hang with my friends, I love attention from the person that I like.

If I don't find some way to deal and somebody to give me more attention soon I'm going to lose my damn mind, man.

I know I'm just lonely. I spend all day in a class full of relative strangers and then I go to an unfamiliar room with none of my shit in it and I am just... feel sad. And angry. And frustrated.

I wonder if I will ever enjoy life. If I'll ever wake up and want to start my day. If I'll ever be okay with how my life is going. Instead of constantly dreading it. Whether I'm at an army school that I didn't want to, actual school, army training, drill, journeys... or doing nothing at all, I never want to wake up. I always rather dream. Things are so much better in my dreams. And life always, always hurts so bad. I always hate myself. I'm always alone. Always broke. Always feeling like utter shit. I don't know how to wake up and want to be alive and get going and do things. Getting up is a chore. Living life is a chore.

Maybe because of my depression I'm never going to be okay. Maybe I'm always going to be broken and fucked up and shitty and needy and lonely as fuck.

Dating History

I'm bored and curious so I'm going to try and remember exactly how many women I've slept with. Not dated. But yeah... probably can't remember a single date but maybe names? Let's start at the beginning...

Gloria. Victoria. Tiffany. Andrea. Chae. Heather. Laura(?). Lucky. Caitlin. Jenn. Taylor. Kelly. Trey. Annie.

Man, that's not bad. I thought it may be more but it's not. Like 14. That's cool. I'm 27 and have been dating women since I was 16, so... nine years and 14 sexual partners. Not bad at all!

And man. I was going through this blog and I had photos of Jen, Taylor (although that's gone thankfully), Kelly and Trey... and someone named Mel that I was seeing for a bit. Why the fuck did I do that? See, I kind of think that's why even though I was trying to take things seriously with each, it was more about accumulating numbers.

I don't want that now. I don't want to serial date, just to date. I mean, I do want to serial date but that's because I want to find people I can connect with. And let's be for real, I don't think one is just enough. I get way too bored way too easily just to see one person at a time. A relationship would be different. I'd have to really reconsider things in that regard.

Anyway. I don't want to rack up numbers.

So. I really need to think about what my next approach with dating should actually be. Do I want to sleep with the people I date? Do I not want to do that?

Man, yeah. My dating history is so weird.

Things Will Never Change

It happens with every girl I date. Well, every girl that I date that I feel as if there could potentially be something substantial. If I like them - genuinely like them - and feel as if I could one day feel something genuine for them, then it doesn't work out. It just doesn't. Not ever. The only girls who want me are the ones that I have to force feelings for. Caitlin. Kelly. Trey. The ones where feelings don't come naturally. The ones where a future seems possible if I just stick it out and try to care for them. Force a future with them to happen.

They are the ones I end up being with.

But the ones where feelings automatically happen? Where I wake up one day and I'm so into them and I anticipate their presence in my life... it self-destructs.

I don't know why I keep expecting something different when I know how it will end up.

Isn't that a little insane? Or a lot of insane?

I keep hoping that things will change and be different. That if I change and become different that things will be different for me. But I guess no matter how much I change, things will never really be different for me.

My Pattern...

You know, I really like to relief on past relationships and try and figure shit out based on them. And I am just reading journals from when I was first dating Caitlin and jeezuz, she made me so insecure. Why was I even interested? I had such a naive sense of relationships, man. She was so unsure about dating me and made me feel so bad. Like I couldn't measure up. Like I had to change to be with her. She mad my angry at myself for not being able to measure up. I was so worried about her being with someone else and sharing herself with someone else, when's that's fucking ridiculous. I wanted things to be easy. And I thought that her making me jealous was a good thing??? I couldn't even figure out why I wanted her. I still don't know why, besides the fact that I just wanted someone who would want me back and who had plans for their life.

And dude, she didn't even like sex. Well, she liked being fucked by me. But she didn't like touching me or going down on me and I am starting to realize how important of a thing that is.

I was so busy trying to find someone that "fit" that I forced it and end up super miserable.

She was always so unsure of me and didn't trust me so... no matter why I was the way that I was. Plus, she was so fucking insecure that it was projected onto me somehow...

I don't know.

Anyhow, I wasn't trying to examine my relationship with Caitlin. I was trying to see how long I start in the euphoria stage, typically.

I figure two months is like my cap, when I usually stop feeling it with a person. I was seeing her around 17 October 2009, thinking of dating her by 14 December 2009 but by 7 March 2010 my thoughts were obsessed with Luckey. I was no longer interested in sleeping with Caitlin, but I constantly wanted to fuck Luckey. So.... there's that, eh? Five months. At least with Caitlin. Two months of talking and three months of actually being in a relationship and I was kind of done. Good to know. By June of that year I was miserable.

With Trey, we started talking about 19 January 2013, by 7 February 2013 she was wondering why we weren't together, around March 2013 we actually got together and by 23 June 2013, I broke up with her. So, how long is that? 6 months? 3-ish months of talking and 3-ish months of dating and I was done. So... wow.

This makes me a little worried. Cause it's going on a month of me and Annie talking. Next week will be a month. It's weird though. I feel like I should be more concerned with her getting bored of me because I'm not sure if I'm going to ever get bored of her. When I'm with her... man, I am revved up.

Only time will tell, though.

Fun Friday.

I don't know why I feel the need to give a play-by-play of how things are going with Annie. I guess, it's more to do with the fact that I just enjoy talking about her and thinking about her and reminding moments with her. So, of course I'm going to write about it.

So, today we met at this little cafe downtown called Shameless Grounds. It's like a sex positive cafe that has special nights some nights but Annie really wanted to check it out and it was only two minutes away from her job. Which meant, more time hanging out, which I was all for. The cafe was pretty great and the food was tasty, which was good for me. I was kind of starving. Anywho, we met there and had some food and we talked. It both got there around 11:30, I think. And she just told me about the convo she had with her family the night before about her heath and her moving out. [It sucks, because she went to the gyno and they said her cervix had some abnormal cell growth so she had to get a biopsy like three times. And she was in a bit of pain but they're going to examine it and hopefully it's not cancerous. Fingers crossed]

Oh, yeah, yesterday, after her visit with the doc, she and her sis - who went with her for moral support - had lunch and then she dropped her sis off and she happened to be around Chesterfield so we stopped by the mall and we sat and chatted for a bit before I had to go into work. It was nice. And there was a moment where she got a tiny bit possessive. We were in the store and talking with my co-manager Amy and the two of us were behind the counter and Annie was in front of it and she liked reached over and touched my hand. And like while we were talking, I went over to her side and she got pretty close and like touched my arm while we were chatting with Amy about voting or why she wasn't registered to vote. But it was super cute. I liked it. I'm not even sure if she realized what she was doing, which made it that much more enjoyable for me. Lol.

Anyway. So today, we just chatted about the small fight she and her parents got into about her keeping them out of the loop about her heath and then about her moving out. We actually chatted about so much that I can't really remember everything but that was the most important. We also talked about moments of jealousy we've experienced. And about how many folks we've had sex with. We're about in the same ball park, more than ten, less than twenty. And I let her read some writing I did involving Chase and Dillon back in 2012. I really liked it and want to work on it again but I remember that I stopped writing it because I wanted to redo Alyssa and Shane first. But she seemed to really, really like it. Lol.

Also, the entire time we were hanging out, I couldn't keep my hands off of her. Being around her just really gets me going and touching her, man oh man. She feels so good. Soft and warm and nice. And her lips are amazing. I think my body really responds to her energy. I don't know. I just think we really connect well, personality wise and sexually wise. So, I'm just kind of really enjoying being near her and talking to her and I want more but I don't want to fuck things up by spending too much time together. Like, I want to learn more and I want to spend more time together, however I don't want things to progress too quickly because then it'll be artificial and forced and things will be over before they even begin.

I am getting a little worried, though. I'm getting ready to start my period and I get so fucking needy when I'm on. I want attention. And with how busy her life is, I'm probably going to feel neglected, which is crazy because she's not obligated to give me any freaking attention. So. yeah. Let's hope this passes soon and with as little emotional damage as possible. Lol.

Can't wait to see her again. I enjoy her so much. And she turns me on so fucking much. You know, my period will definitely start if I come a little bit but do I want to push it along or not? Ugh. I don't even know. Probably should try to kick start it as much as possible. Kind of works out since she turns me on so damn much anyway. Need to get rid of some of that tension.

Need To Bleed

I didn't really want to add anything onto this blog - at least not until I had something substantial - but this thing with Annie makes me pretty anxious and I'm not sure how I really feel about it. I mean... she has a life and I have a life and that's supposed to be good things... I mean, it is actually what I want... but I feel so anxious all of the time. I just want to chat with her all of the time but I need to respect her privacy. Is this seriously a good thing or no?

I just figured out what I really want.

Someone who enjoys being single but is open for a relationship, at some damn point, you know? And I'm just not sure that Annie wants that. Several times she has said that she isn't looking for a relationship, she doesn't want one... and she's mentioned that she spoke to me because she was interested in getting to know me - she thought I seemed cool - and not because she wanted anything with me. But she ended up being attracted to me and then - lol basically - wanted to seduce me.

And now that we've had sex, I just don't know what to think. But she basically said that this is what she was concerned about. That sex makes things complicated and messy. So, I'm trying not to even get into that line of thinking about I guess that that is just where my mind goes automatically, at some point. She meet someone, you like them, you connect well with them, she enjoy their company, she enjoy talking to them, she enjoy kissing them, you enjoy having sex with them... and then the next thing you know you're in a relationship.

Ugh. I think the worse part of all of this is that I don't even want a relationship? I just really enjoy being with her, so I want to see her all of the time. But I can't do that, so... I have to find a freaking distraction. I just have to. A bunch of them. Things to get my mind off of her. I have to stop calling her and texting her all of the time. I have to stop trying to see her all of the time. I have to have some damn self control. I really, really think that my anxiety is just up because it's about to be that time of the month. And because she kind of... turned me into a girl. I mean, I don't get that comfortable with anyone that I have sex with but... I don't know. Maybe it's just been so long? That I really wanted to be satisfied, so I made sure that I was???

Plus, the universe hates me so it would make me terribly lonely for years and then drop this perfect girl in my lap and make it impossible for me to be content.

Being into her is great and having sex with her is fucking amazing but establishing a friendship... that's what she wants. What I want is someone that I can hang out with. I have friends. I mean, I really do, don't I? Morgan, Rivera, Okazaki, Amanda, Kyla , plus my two sisters so... friends aren't exactly what I'm looking for. I'm looking for someone to date. Friends with benefits. Someone that could eventually turn into a relationship, not now but later down the road. And I'm not all sure that can happen with her.

Seriously can't wait to bleed and get this shit out of my system. Dear gosh.