Focus

I asked her to write me a poem. And she did.

Now I'm confused and worried and enlightened.

Everything with her is new. From the way my feelings for her have started and developed to the way I respond to how she makes me feel.

We talk and she tells me things and expects me to tell her things. But I can't. I don't know how. I want to figure it out but I don't know where to start. I want to ask her but that would be a sign of weakness. It might give her reason to believe that what she thinks is true all along.

In Forecast - the poem she wrote - she basically said that she's unsure about me. Later, she admitted that she doesn't trust me. When did I ever give her reason to? I hit on Demetria... There was always that spark of uncertainty and I just lit the damn flames and now I have no idea how to control the inferno. But I'm not a coward, I'm just a little afraid.

I think I need to stop seeing others girls. I think I need to make Caitlin my main focus, whether I'm her main focus now or not. I think that would be one step towards where I want us to be. But I'm afraid that I'll be left alone if I do that. I'm afraid I'll stop seeing everyone and Caitlin will decide that me and her aren't right for one another. And then I'll be alone.

But why am I so afraid of being alone?

A part of me just wants to tell her something without actually doing it but that's counterproductive, isn't it? Then I'd be doing exactly she says I do... what she's afraid I'll always do - saying one thing yet doing another. Lying. Being the person she's so afraid I might turn out to be.

But I don't want to be that person. I want to be the person that can make her happy. That can help wash away all of the doubts and fears she has about... everything. I want to be the person that makes her life better.

Do I have what it takes to be the person I want to be or am I just destined to fail?