Insecure.

I found out that she doesn't even want a relationship to next semester.

What does that mean for me?

I kind of feel like I should just sit back and chill until then. Cause until that time I don't even have a chance.

Cept - there is no gaurantee that she'll even want to be with me once she gets to the point where she wants a relationship so I feel like I should keep other girls around just in case she isn't the girl I'll end up with. That way I won't be completely alone. Which sounds pathetic to me.

Ugh. I don't even know.

She hangs out with other girls so that she doesn't get attached to any particular person. This is all strategic and thought out. How stupid is that? These sort of things shouldn't be rationalize. The heart isn't rational. It doesn't map out a plan to embark on a relationship.

I mean, I do accept that this is what she wants and I'm trying to be respectful. I'm trying to be patient. But sometimes she says things that makes me think "Why the fuck am I even wasting my time?"

Am I wasting mt time? My heart wants her but I don't know what the fuck my brain is thinking. I think that maybe my brain is thinking that I need to chill.

A relationship right now is not a good idea. But a part of me wants one because its been so damn long since the last time I really had one. My last real girlfriend was Heather. The last person I was monogymous with was Chae. I don't know what I should be striving for here.

Maybe I am just being impatient. I just wish I knew for sure that things with us were going to happen. Then I would feel better about things. If I knew that she at least planned on dating me. Then I would probably feel better.

But right now. I don't feel better. If feel like my friendship with Demetria is going to ruin things with Caitlin but me and Caitlin might not even end up forming a relationship to see if we can work out so why should I cool my friendship with Demetria for a girl who might not even want me? At least I know Demetria wants to be my friend. I know she's not going to stop being friends with me simply because Caitlin is insecure about it... so why should I even consider the fact? That's not right. That goes against my beliefs.

What is wrong with me. There is no way I'm going to sacrifice one thing for another and she has to deal with that. However. I don't want her to be all upset and I don't want her to stop consdering me as a possibility because of it.

And what is wrong with me? Why would I want someone who has me like on a list? She doesn't think twice about putting other girls before me. She might not even want to be with me but she likes the way she feels when we're together and the things I do for her. Maybe she is just using me and I'm letting her. Maybe I'm letting her play me. Maybe I'm fucking stupid and need to get a grip. Maybe I need to stop playing by her rules and play my own game.

Or maybe I just need to chill on all of this and be by myself until I'm no longer this insecure anymore.