I don't even know.

So, its just like impossible for me to be happy right? I always have to care about the other people affected by my actions, hoping that they will be happy but I just don't give a shit about my happiness do I?

Why in the hell should I care if she's affected my something I'm doing? She had her chance man. She said nothing. There was ample opportunies to do something or say something and she didn't. That opportunity is gone so she should just suck that shit up and move the hell on. She obviously doesn't care all that much.

I finally feel like I know what I want and I feel like I can't have it. Like... its just not possible. Like this is going to be yet another thing I have to give up for someone elses happiness. So she can be okay.

Would it be weak to admit that Yes, I wouldn't mind being happy for once. To have someone who fits. Who cares. Who makes me laugh and not feel like I'm a big ass loser. Someone whose happiness I actually care about. Someone I can actually see myself being interested in for more than a month or two.

I don't want to be the bad person hear. I don't want to make anyone unhappy or ruin anyone's friendship. But yes, dammit, I'm angry. You should've said something before my feelings every developed into what they are now.

And now I feel like things are going to change. That maybe she might care more about her friend's feelings than mine and decide that we are better off as just friends. I really don't want that.

I want the girl I want. I'm willing to wait for it. To work for it. Cause she is what I really, really. But what if all the effort and time and feelings I put into this isn't enough? Just because someone isn't comfortable with it. Like its that big of a problem? She acts as if she were in love with me and now that I'm talking to her friend that its all coming out. When I know for damn sure she was never that into me or else she would've said something... She may have a fear of rejection but she is also open... or at least she was.

Man. I like who I like and I don't want to change that. Not for anyone. How I see it is She has the girl she's talking to and interested in and I have the girl I'm interested in and want to be with. I'm sorry if that makes things a little uncomfortable but we're both adults here. Its something she can deal with. Its not as if there was anything ever that deep between us in the first place.