I Hate...

This time.

This moment.

This day.

This job.

This school.

This major.

This stress.

Myself.


I'm patiently waiting for Friday. For our new place. For everything to just fucking come together. I'm hoping that it will. I'm praying that it fucking will and that all of these negative feelings will go away.

I feel so angry and stressed right now. So fucking depressed. And I can't fucking write and its killing me, damn it. If I can't write, then what the fuck can I do?

First I have to get done with these taxes. Then the FASFA. Then this apartment stuff. Then all this money stuff. Then school money I owe. Then this play. This paper. This exam and that exame. This stupid fucking sitation. My cell bill. My car insurance. Gas. Apartment crap. Furniture crap. Moving crap. School crap. Writing crap.

I'm just so fucking sick of dealing with it all. All of this fucking stress. I hate it. I'm sick of it.

I just want to rest. When can I fucking rest. Even this relationship is stressing me out.

I hate this fucking shit.

Third Month

So, today is the me and Caitlin's Third Month Anniversary. I really can't believe it. It doesn't feel like it at all. For so long I couldn't even make it to two months, but here I am at three, with her. I'm going to be so amazed for the rest of my life, that I have such a wonderful girlfriend. I really fucked up the other day. I cheated. God, I've never cheated on anyone before in my life. It was just one kiss, that I didn't stop, but I still cheated. I really wish it had been on someone who I didn't even care about, but it wasn't. It was on Caitlin. And she forgave me. The entire day, I apologized and cried and cried and apologized, and finally, towards the end of the night she yelled at me and got pissed but that's it. I thought she was never going to speak to me again. But she did. She came in last night, forgave me and... and I couldn't believe it. She said I was wrong and that I hurt her, but that I'm only human and make mistakes. I don't know if I would've been that cool, man. I feel awful, and she still won't kiss me on the lips. But I guess it counted for something that I told her as soon as I could muster up the courage.

I should've never done it. I should have never even been seeing Luckey the way I was... or at all, for the matter. I knew I still have some kind of feelings for her and that it was wrong. I just didn't put an end to her. I liked the attention, and the fact that she's a stud. Everything else about her, I didn't like at all. With Caitlin, I love absolutely everything about her. How could I do that to her. How. How. How could she just forgive me? How. Damn it. I'm so sorry I did this. I'm never doing it again. I am never putting myself in this situation, ever again. I never want to hurt her. I can see she's lost some faith in me. That she's still hurt and betrayed. I have to make this up to her, but I do not have a clue how.

I'm just so fucking sorry. I really hate myself for making such a mistake. Of all the times to do it. I don't care if I was afraid of being committed to someone or afraid that I wasn't living my life. I can't understand why I would be afraid of spending my life with one person, especially if that person is Caitlin. She is the best part of me. Why would I ever want to lose her?

I know I keep saying that I want to be a better person, for me. Well, I'm changing that. I want to be a better girlfriend, for her. Because she deserves someone so much better than me, yet she's deciding to stick with me. To work it out and move on. The least I can do is become someone worthy of her heart. So I will be. For her.

I'm So Sorry

I don't like the person I am when I'm with Luckey. Probably cause I don't like the person Luckey is with everyone else. Life is a joke to her. Everything is a facebook status to tell the world. And that's fine. But I'm not going to be apart of it.

I guess I'm just angry that I made a mistake. That I've been making mistakes for months. Tomorrow is Caitlin and I's three month anniversary. 3 Months, and I spent most of it thinking about another girl. I'm horrible. I don't know how I've been able to live with myself for the last few months. I'm emotionally cheating. And yes I'm fucking saying this and if she reads this, then it just means that I was meant to be caught. Like fuck, I lied to my girlfriend. I told her I was going to be with Dominique and Chrystal, when really I went to go see Luckey. And we laid around in bed. And then she fucked kissing me and I didn't stop her. I kissed her back. It only happened once, but when I saw her again this morning, after doing my essay, she kissed me again and I was too stunned to tell her not to. I had forgot and that reminded me. Like wtf. She knew not to do it again, at least. But I should've never kissed her back the first time but I was so tired. God. I wasn't thinking.

And now I feel like shit. I want to cry but I can't. I don't deserve to. I need to tell her the truth. But then I have to tell her about my lie. And about all my other lies. And I'm afraid she'll never trust me after this. She already suspected that I was cheating with Luckey and I brushed it off. I wasn't cheating, physically. But I told her I missed her. I let her call me baby and crap. Just because I didn't say it back doesn't mean it wasn't wrong. God. I feel so bad. I can't believe what I'm turning into because of a girl I don't even want to be with! Why am I such an idiot? How could I jeapordize my relationship with Caitlin? This whole time I've been saying that I'm so worried about hurting her heart... so why the fuck would I put myself in situations where damaging her heart was 100 percent possible? How could I be so selfish! I'm the kind of person I hate. And I don't deserve her forgiveness. But I'm so afraid of losig her. I don't want her to leave me. Even if we don't end up moving together. I don't want her to leave me, damn it. I don't want her to lose trust in me, when obviously I can't be trusted. But I don't want her to know that.

I can't cross anymore lines. I fucking can't. Laying in bed with her. Sneaking to see her. Lying to my girlfriend. And now a kiss. Who the fuck knows what will happen. I can't lose her. She's become a part of me. And I can't lose her. I don't even want Luckey. I just wanted what Luckey represented... and I don't even want that anymore. Ugh. I just want things with Caitlin to work out. I just want Caitlin. I'm not this person.

I want to tell her so badly, but I can't. I can't risk losing her like this, but if I let this lie go on too long and I do deside to tell her, its only going to make matter worse. God, I need to just man up. And I need to be a better girlfriend. I need to dedicate my heart to this relationship. She's all in and I need to be also. That means that other females can not be anywhere in my heart. Only Caitlin. Because it belongs to her and only her. I'm never doing this again. I'm never doing anything that could hurt her again. I'm so sorry. I don't deserve you. But I'm going to do everything I can to make the rest of our lives together the best for you.

Road Not Taken

I'm supposed to be writing this essay on The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost, but of course I can't concentrate. Its due tomorrow at 10 and of course, I can't come up with shit. And that's my favorite poem. But this Luckey thing is driving my crazy. It should've been over and done with by now. This crap has been going on for weeks. But I don't want to drop her from my life. And I don't want her to drop me. And she doesn't want it either. She keeps saying she wants me. But I'm with Caitlin.

Back in high school, or even when I first started college, I would've died to get a girl like her's attention. She's pretty much everything I want in a girl. She's got the look, the style, the attitude. But she's not in school anymore, she lives with her ex, she can't be trusted and she plays with me so damn much. One moment she wants this. And the next she wants something totally opposite. One moment she's saying how she wants to distance herself from me. And the next she's asking if I want to spend the night. Like what is that? And why am I drawn to her so much?

I have a girlfriend who I work with. We're good together. We have everything planned out and we're trying to get that. With Luckey, I feel like its just physical. And a little psychological, since I can't get over it. I do want her. But me and Caitlin are solid. Even if there weren't a me and Caitlin, me and Luckey wouldn't last long. Maybe a two months. But I don't like that she lives with Jaimie, I don't like that she parties all the damn time. I don't like her friends. It would never work. It would just be a mistake. So, why is it a mistake I'm so willing to make?

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;"

I have two girls I like. I can see how far things with me and Luckey will go. I can see how things will turn out.

"Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,"

But I decided to go with Caitlin, because it was a better choice.

"And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back."

I told Luckey that maybe one day, we could try things. But that I'm with Caitlin now. I doubt that I'll ever be with Luckey though.

"I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

I had two girls I cared about. Two choices in which to choose from. Instead of taking the second, which was what I normally would've done. And it would've taken me to the same places I had already visited. I took the one less traveled by, the one I had never tried before. And that made all the difference. It actually worked out.

How can I not find something to write about with this poem? I'm fucking living it!

I need to stop focusing on Luckey so much. I need to just let her drift from my world. Cause her being in it isn't going to do much of anything, but hold us both back. I guess a part of me is just scared that I might regret it... ha, like I'm not heading down that path already. I just need to put it in words: I think that I might get tired of Caitlin one day and want someone like Luckey but it will be too late. And I'm a little afraid that I'm supposed to have a Luckey stage but I skipped it.

Whatever. What's done is done. I don't live in regret. I make decisions and I live with them. I took the road that would make a difference. Caitlin is the most amazing girl I've ever met and Luckey is an inconsiderate dick. There's nothing to have second thoughts about.

3.9.10.

I need you out, so I'm kicking you out.

How can I expect to make something of myself when I can not even control what is going on around me.

I'm deliberately doing things wrong.

Everything I've ever wanted - I now have. Do not tell me that that is not enough, because I know it is. I'm just being retarded about all of this. I don't know why but I will figure out.

My main goal is to get back on track. And then stay there. I feel so out of it right now that I don't know what's going to happen one moment to the next. I'm fearful of the actions I'm making, hoping that it doesn't come and bite me in the ass. And for what?

I'm not this person. I have never been and I'm not going to turn into it because of anyone. I do things the right way. I go by the book. Questioning myself only leads to mistakes.

Make a decision and stick with it. That feeling you have is temporary. It will go away if you let it. Don't hold on to negative things that will only serve to slow you down.

You have the heart of the girl who is perfect for you. The condition of anyone else heart besides hers is irrelevant. Do not fuck up your dream for someone who doesn't even seem to have one.

Hate That I Feel This Way

I don't know what it is. I spent all weekend with Caitlin, experiencing all that Chicago's crappy ass has to offer and... it was fun. For the most part. There were some annoying parts. And Caitlin was great. She met Nana, Kena, Mari and Raul. And I tried so hard not to think about Luckey. Which worked for the most part. I deleted her number and texts. I figured that if I had nothing to do with her, adding to the fact that Nana didn't have internet so I wouldn't have to get on facebook to message her, that I would be okay. Which I was. My focus was completely on Caitlin. But all this time I'm thinking about the future, the photo we took and how good it would look in the apartment, I was thinking about the immediate future. That once we move out it'll be great, and easy and saving would be easy. Then I think about how that's going to make it easier to get my own place, by myself.

How messed up is that. Yeah, in the next few months I'm thinking about us together. But in the next few years? Two. Five. Ten. It's all about me. Maybe I am just selfish, or maybe I just don't see that far into the future with anyone. One, that only leads to hardship. And two - I don't know what the hell I want for the future. I never picture myself with a fem... at least not at this stage in my life. Whenever I see a stud, God I just want to fuck her. I've never been that way about fems, and especially right now, I don't think that's going to happen.

And Caitlin's a fem. Sometimes I be so horny that I just want to fuck... but we never do. And when she does want to, I don't want to. I mean, I don't know if its the fact that she always wants to do it at night or that she doesn't really know what she's doing or that I'm busy or tired... or because I'm just not interested. But when I see Luckey, no matter how I'm feeling, my body responses to her. Is that because she a stud? Or because I really like her?? I don't know. But when she spends all day on facebook and never texts me, I get upset. I see that she's having a bad day, I want to know what happened... to see her. I always want to see her. I try so hard and I get no where. Is it the thrill of the hunt? I know I wanted Caitlin the more I thought she wanted someone else. Is it going to be the same with Luckey??

And then... what the hell am I doing. I know I enjoy being single, but once I am single I just want to find a girl to have some fun with. To have sex with and connect with. But I find her and... its not satisfying. I want another girl. A girl that doesn't want me. A girl I hurt. A girl who won't give me the fucking time of day now. And I don't know why. Is it because I have a girlfriend? Cause having a girlfriend means there's no chance? Is it because she no longer trusts me at all and thinks I'm not worth it anymore. Does that mean I don't have a chance and should focus on my girl now. The girl that will work out.

I know I can't break up with Caitlin for Luckey. A part of me believes that me and Caitlin are meant to be. Its just not the right time. Obviously, because I keep responding to another girl. Maybe I just want to have my way with Luckey and once that's over, I want to settle down with Caitlin. But... that can't be a good attitude to have. It's definitely not. I want to just use Luckey and maybe she realizes that. God. That's horrible.

God. I want both of them but I can't have one. Not have both and still consider myself a good person. I want to be a good person. I want to do the right thing, always. But if my heart isn't in it, then what does that mean?

I want Caitlin. Logically we make sense. She can better my life. I know it. And sooner or later I can afford to stand on my own two feet, cause I really can't right now. And with Caitlin I will be motivated to. Luckey... I like her style. I want her body. She's sexy to me because she's a stud. My body responses totally different to her than it does Caitlin because I am more attracted to studs. And I am attracted to people I think I can't have.

But maybe I really can't have Luckey. I've tried, more than I really should've. Even besides that girlfriend thing, I would've never tried so hard with a girl I didn't believe wanted me in any way. But I have with Luckey. Bitch won't even text me back - not sure what the hell I did to piss her off. On Thursday, I texted her, trying to learn a little bit more about her. Then I called her, and she said she had something to do but would call back. Never did. I called the next day, never got an answer. I called today. Never got an answer. I sent her a messsage saying I lost her number on facebook and to text me. I got nothing. But she could put a status. I'm trying one last time, just for some kind of friendship, so I sent her a message on downelink. I doubt I'll get shit back but I tried, anyway. For what? I don't know. Maybe because I'm stupid and want to sabbatoge something with a great girl.

Maybe I just need to leave this chick alone, for good. Even if she does text me or message me back or whatever... her interest would probably only last for a few weeks. Maybe less this time. And then I'd be stuck all alone again. All for a few weeks of fun, instead of a lifetime with a wonderful girl who could bring a lot more than fun. Maybe if I would just stop focusing on this other girl, I could be happy with my own.

Man. I can't do this to Luckey. I can't use her. But I can't care about her either because she can so easily drop me. I don't trust her. I can't. But I feel like I can't not have her in my life. But that's what she wants. Just like with Chae. She doesn't want me. I have to let her go if that's what she wants. I wish I knew what she wanted. I wish she could just tell me. Maybe that's a reason why I don't trust her. She said she wanted to be friends... but she won't give me the time of day. Or maybe she didn't. Maybe I decided we should be and she just went along with it. But now she's tired of it. She says she tired of being single and just wants someone to be with... and I really can't give her that because - I don't trust her and she's not offering what I want right now. A girl like Caitlin. So maybe we're destined to drift so far apart that the idea of texting her is just ridiculous, like it it with Chae, and Demetria and everyone else in my world, really. God. I want to let her go. I want her to tell me that that's what she wants and then I want to do it.