I'm So Sorry

I don't like the person I am when I'm with Luckey. Probably cause I don't like the person Luckey is with everyone else. Life is a joke to her. Everything is a facebook status to tell the world. And that's fine. But I'm not going to be apart of it.

I guess I'm just angry that I made a mistake. That I've been making mistakes for months. Tomorrow is Caitlin and I's three month anniversary. 3 Months, and I spent most of it thinking about another girl. I'm horrible. I don't know how I've been able to live with myself for the last few months. I'm emotionally cheating. And yes I'm fucking saying this and if she reads this, then it just means that I was meant to be caught. Like fuck, I lied to my girlfriend. I told her I was going to be with Dominique and Chrystal, when really I went to go see Luckey. And we laid around in bed. And then she fucked kissing me and I didn't stop her. I kissed her back. It only happened once, but when I saw her again this morning, after doing my essay, she kissed me again and I was too stunned to tell her not to. I had forgot and that reminded me. Like wtf. She knew not to do it again, at least. But I should've never kissed her back the first time but I was so tired. God. I wasn't thinking.

And now I feel like shit. I want to cry but I can't. I don't deserve to. I need to tell her the truth. But then I have to tell her about my lie. And about all my other lies. And I'm afraid she'll never trust me after this. She already suspected that I was cheating with Luckey and I brushed it off. I wasn't cheating, physically. But I told her I missed her. I let her call me baby and crap. Just because I didn't say it back doesn't mean it wasn't wrong. God. I feel so bad. I can't believe what I'm turning into because of a girl I don't even want to be with! Why am I such an idiot? How could I jeapordize my relationship with Caitlin? This whole time I've been saying that I'm so worried about hurting her heart... so why the fuck would I put myself in situations where damaging her heart was 100 percent possible? How could I be so selfish! I'm the kind of person I hate. And I don't deserve her forgiveness. But I'm so afraid of losig her. I don't want her to leave me. Even if we don't end up moving together. I don't want her to leave me, damn it. I don't want her to lose trust in me, when obviously I can't be trusted. But I don't want her to know that.

I can't cross anymore lines. I fucking can't. Laying in bed with her. Sneaking to see her. Lying to my girlfriend. And now a kiss. Who the fuck knows what will happen. I can't lose her. She's become a part of me. And I can't lose her. I don't even want Luckey. I just wanted what Luckey represented... and I don't even want that anymore. Ugh. I just want things with Caitlin to work out. I just want Caitlin. I'm not this person.

I want to tell her so badly, but I can't. I can't risk losing her like this, but if I let this lie go on too long and I do deside to tell her, its only going to make matter worse. God, I need to just man up. And I need to be a better girlfriend. I need to dedicate my heart to this relationship. She's all in and I need to be also. That means that other females can not be anywhere in my heart. Only Caitlin. Because it belongs to her and only her. I'm never doing this again. I'm never doing anything that could hurt her again. I'm so sorry. I don't deserve you. But I'm going to do everything I can to make the rest of our lives together the best for you.