I don't know what it is. I spent all weekend with Caitlin, experiencing all that Chicago's crappy ass has to offer and... it was fun. For the most part. There were some annoying parts. And Caitlin was great. She met Nana, Kena, Mari and Raul. And I tried so hard not to think about Luckey. Which worked for the most part. I deleted her number and texts. I figured that if I had nothing to do with her, adding to the fact that Nana didn't have internet so I wouldn't have to get on facebook to message her, that I would be okay. Which I was. My focus was completely on Caitlin. But all this time I'm thinking about the future, the photo we took and how good it would look in the apartment, I was thinking about the immediate future. That once we move out it'll be great, and easy and saving would be easy. Then I think about how that's going to make it easier to get my own place, by myself.
How messed up is that. Yeah, in the next few months I'm thinking about us together. But in the next few years? Two. Five. Ten. It's all about me. Maybe I am just selfish, or maybe I just don't see that far into the future with anyone. One, that only leads to hardship. And two - I don't know what the hell I want for the future. I never picture myself with a fem... at least not at this stage in my life. Whenever I see a stud, God I just want to fuck her. I've never been that way about fems, and especially right now, I don't think that's going to happen.
And Caitlin's a fem. Sometimes I be so horny that I just want to fuck... but we never do. And when she does want to, I don't want to. I mean, I don't know if its the fact that she always wants to do it at night or that she doesn't really know what she's doing or that I'm busy or tired... or because I'm just not interested. But when I see Luckey, no matter how I'm feeling, my body responses to her. Is that because she a stud? Or because I really like her?? I don't know. But when she spends all day on facebook and never texts me, I get upset. I see that she's having a bad day, I want to know what happened... to see her. I always want to see her. I try so hard and I get no where. Is it the thrill of the hunt? I know I wanted Caitlin the more I thought she wanted someone else. Is it going to be the same with Luckey??
And then... what the hell am I doing. I know I enjoy being single, but once I am single I just want to find a girl to have some fun with. To have sex with and connect with. But I find her and... its not satisfying. I want another girl. A girl that doesn't want me. A girl I hurt. A girl who won't give me the fucking time of day now. And I don't know why. Is it because I have a girlfriend? Cause having a girlfriend means there's no chance? Is it because she no longer trusts me at all and thinks I'm not worth it anymore. Does that mean I don't have a chance and should focus on my girl now. The girl that will work out.
I know I can't break up with Caitlin for Luckey. A part of me believes that me and Caitlin are meant to be. Its just not the right time. Obviously, because I keep responding to another girl. Maybe I just want to have my way with Luckey and once that's over, I want to settle down with Caitlin. But... that can't be a good attitude to have. It's definitely not. I want to just use Luckey and maybe she realizes that. God. That's horrible.
God. I want both of them but I can't have one. Not have both and still consider myself a good person. I want to be a good person. I want to do the right thing, always. But if my heart isn't in it, then what does that mean?
I want Caitlin. Logically we make sense. She can better my life. I know it. And sooner or later I can afford to stand on my own two feet, cause I really can't right now. And with Caitlin I will be motivated to. Luckey... I like her style. I want her body. She's sexy to me because she's a stud. My body responses totally different to her than it does Caitlin because I am more attracted to studs. And I am attracted to people I think I can't have.
But maybe I really can't have Luckey. I've tried, more than I really should've. Even besides that girlfriend thing, I would've never tried so hard with a girl I didn't believe wanted me in any way. But I have with Luckey. Bitch won't even text me back - not sure what the hell I did to piss her off. On Thursday, I texted her, trying to learn a little bit more about her. Then I called her, and she said she had something to do but would call back. Never did. I called the next day, never got an answer. I called today. Never got an answer. I sent her a messsage saying I lost her number on facebook and to text me. I got nothing. But she could put a status. I'm trying one last time, just for some kind of friendship, so I sent her a message on downelink. I doubt I'll get shit back but I tried, anyway. For what? I don't know. Maybe because I'm stupid and want to sabbatoge something with a great girl.
Maybe I just need to leave this chick alone, for good. Even if she does text me or message me back or whatever... her interest would probably only last for a few weeks. Maybe less this time. And then I'd be stuck all alone again. All for a few weeks of fun, instead of a lifetime with a wonderful girl who could bring a lot more than fun. Maybe if I would just stop focusing on this other girl, I could be happy with my own.
Man. I can't do this to Luckey. I can't use her. But I can't care about her either because she can so easily drop me. I don't trust her. I can't. But I feel like I can't not have her in my life. But that's what she wants. Just like with Chae. She doesn't want me. I have to let her go if that's what she wants. I wish I knew what she wanted. I wish she could just tell me. Maybe that's a reason why I don't trust her. She said she wanted to be friends... but she won't give me the time of day. Or maybe she didn't. Maybe I decided we should be and she just went along with it. But now she's tired of it. She says she tired of being single and just wants someone to be with... and I really can't give her that because - I don't trust her and she's not offering what I want right now. A girl like Caitlin. So maybe we're destined to drift so far apart that the idea of texting her is just ridiculous, like it it with Chae, and Demetria and everyone else in my world, really. God. I want to let her go. I want her to tell me that that's what she wants and then I want to do it.
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