Want The Darkness

I guess I never really grasp the concept of what it takes to keep me sane in this world. Definitely not work. More like a delusion. I don't have anything to actually keep me sane. I don't actually have anything that is keeping my together, besides myself. I watch all these shows and just come up with more and more items to add on my list of things I don't have but want. I want a real relationship.

I'm not crazy enough to believe that true love actually exist. I mean, in the sense that there is one true love for every person. I just think there is a such thing as love being true. No games, no drama, no lies, so dishonesty. Just one person being true and remaining true to only one person. Forever.  When two people are adults it should be very easy to maintain a relationship like that but no one is ever adult enough.

I just want something that's mine. Something that is precious and dear to me, you know. Something that makes this existence actually survivable. I know that the only thing that's keeping me from collapsing, shattering to a million tiny pieces - pieces that will be very nearly impossible to put back together. I know that you have to be broken before you can build yourself back up but what else is there for me to do? That whole incident last year was pretty much rock bottom for me and I've been trying to build myself back up ever since.

But I just don't feel like its enough. I feel like I'm not doing enough. Like I'm not making very much progress. Or much of a change. Big enough of a change. What else can I do to not be me, I wonder. Working out, changing my diet, all things I am doing. But what else? I love the shows and movies I watch, I like the sense of calm they seem to give me when I watch them. Keeping up with people who have lives, I guess.

And I know I said I liked who I am. But that doesn't mean I am satisfied with who I am. Because I'm not. I want more of a change. I want more of an alteration. I just don't know what would be extreme enough. What would be enough period. I will run until my legs don't work and my chest is about to explode. I'll walk in the cold, sleep in a tent, not have any running water. But what else can I possibly do? I can't get any piercings or do anything cool with my hair. Pretty much all I can do is change my clothes and style.

I think I see what needs changing. My attitude. My thought process. Changing how I think. Why I think the way I go. Once I can figure that out, I will change automatically. Do I have to indulge myself in the darkness in order to figure that out though? Maybe I do. Maybe I should. Maybe I need to lose myself completely before I can actually figure out who it is I am supposed to be.

How do I do that? Where to I begin? Its hard to figure that out. I don't think purposefully seeking out the darkness is something people usually do. I just know that being in the light is definitely a painful thing to me. Its crazy, but I feel it. The darkness, deep inside. Trying to get me. Trying to destroy me. It hurts and consumes. But letting it take me over, especially after I've been fighting it for so damn long. Where do I begin with that shit?

I do want to go deeper. Mostly because what's the point of staying out of the darkness anymore? I literally have no reason to fucking fight it. But letting it get me doesn't really sound possible. I'm not angry depressed. I'm just alone and depressed. Lonely, I guess. But worse than that. Self hating, self loathing. I just really want to change who I am.

That same question keeps looming over me though. Where do I start? How do I begin? What would be a big enough change and where is the starting point for that?

I Give Up

I want someone I can go and have coffee or tea with. I want someone to watch movies and TV, play video games and work out with. The awkwardness of dates and knowing she likes you and her knowing you like her and enjoying the awkward moments. Late night texting and phone calls. Trying to decide who's place you're going to stay at tonight. Meeting up at the mall or movies or some restuarant. Trying to decide what to wear before you see that person. Trying to impress them. Get their attention.

I guess I will never find what I'm actually looking for. Cause, I guess I don't believe it exist. How could it? A girl that actually fits with me when I don't fucking fit anywhere, ever. I am always this unique person. I'm black and I speak properly. I dress like a boy but not a thug. A whiteboi, clean cut and preppy. I like white girls who are different, not ghetto or white trash or uneducated. And tomboys, I like other tomboys. I like One Tree Hill and Smallville and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Comics and superheroes and anime. Not stupid fucking black comedy shows and movies and reality TV. I actually like to read and buy books. I have an interesting insight on life and the things around me. I don't believe the first thing someone tells me. I don't believe in religion or anything that I can't really prove. I don't believe in hate or intolerance. I don't believe in us vs them. I don't believe that one group of people can be totally wrong with who they are. I believe people should love who they want and be who they want and that that should be the only thing that matters.

I believe in love. True, honest love. Love that has no lies or deceit. Just love. Love that fits. Love that grows with the people who are experiencing it. Love that consumes and changes you for the better. But most importantly, love that fits. Cause the love I have experienced never fits. It never goes with who I am. Its always me trying to please them but never them trying to please me. Trying to make us work. Just me.... me trying to make it work.

I guess I want someone who wants me. I've never been with someone who just wants me. Who sees me and is interested and wants to impress me. And be with me. And get to know me. And make me happy. And try to make it work with me. Instead of just the other way around. Its always the other way around. Damn it.

Whatever. I have other shit to do than feel bad about how crappy of a life I have. Its over. Done. I give up.

Thinking.

I guess what got me thinking - or on this train of thought - was watching the Once More, With Feeling episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and watching Willow and Tara. And maybe even the fact that I'm trying to read all the Twilight books before Korea so I can watch them and get back here and see the last one, and Jacob. His fierce love and how he imprints on Bella's daughter... ugh whatever. None of that matters really, but the fact that as I was walking back to work after lunch, I was thinking about love in my life. About my past loves.

Nana - who I was fiercely devoted to myself. Nothing really mattered to me but her. And its not as if I even recognized that I wanted her the way that I did. I just knew that I wanted to be near her, because things were different when I was with her. I felt loved. And I would've done absolutely anything just to be near her. Whether it was begging my mom or her mom or her boyfriend or whatever just so we could spend some time together. It didn't matter what I had to go through because being anywhere near her was totally worth it to me. And being heart broken - I guess I never really knew what it was so I never really considered that. It wasn't until moving to St. Louis that I realized anything at all about myself, so the most intense pain I can even remember with her was leaving her and moving away. Which, I suppose is a good thing. I remember the depression and how much it sucked but the heartbreak part... not much of a memory for me. But I remember how much I loved her and I know she was the first person I ever loved that way, no matter what I might've said back then.

And then Morgan. When I think back to that point in time I just remember how happy I was to be with her. It was like she was the sun in a stormy day or something. Talking to her just instantly made my day. Learning more about her and falling for her was actually a nice time in my life. She made me feel cared for. Like loved. She made me realize that someone actually could love me for me and no other reason. Not because they were getting something else from pretending to love me but loving me made her happy and that made me happy. And I guess that's why it was so hard for me to get over her then. She was the first person I ever hoped to have a future with. Before then, I never saw it. Never even thought it was possible that I could fall in love with someone and be with that person for an extended period of time. And not just love but be in love. She gave me hope and that affected me more than I ever thought. More than I ever knew was even possible. And even now, those feelings are mostly gone. I don't yearn for her the way I used to but she still makes me happy and gives me some kind of hope. Like, life won't always suck.

Then there's Heather. I don't think I ever loved her the way I loved Nana and Morgan. I was devoted to them in a way that I never knew. It was like - and kind of still like - I will never foresaken them. If they need me than nothing will stand in my way to be there for them. Well, I will do everything within my power to help them, is more like it. I will always love them. Like I couldn't make it go away even if I wanted to try. But even though I never felt that way for Heather, I was willing to do anything for her. I just wanted her to be happy and I'd do anything to give her that happiness. I wanted to love her. I wanted to give her everything. Wanted to want it, you know.

And I guess that was kind of how I was with Kelly. I just wanted to do all I could for her. But I realize that I was always so focused on trying to make her life better because if I wasn't focused on that then I would realize that I wasn't happy with her. Same with Heather. I didn't get anything out of those relationships but heartbreak and life lessons. I suppose the life lessons were worth it. But I still would've liked to be with someone who would have a greater, more positive impact on me.

Nana and Morgan... yeah, it killed when they didn't return my love and it took me to such a dark place and it was hell digging myself out of that place, but I genuinely love those two. What would ever be worth trading that for? Nothing. I feel as if I could never stop loving them. I don't know if they could ever stop loving me, though.

And I guess that brings me to my point. I want to fill the way I felt with them. I suppose in each instance. I want someone to look at me with love. I thought Kelly had and even Heather but they only ever looked at me like "I'm going to miss you so much when you're gone" type of way. I want someone who is going to look at me like they just love me and want me and treasure me. I want someone who will fit into my life seamlessly. I know that people will always change your life a little when they come into it, but you shouldn't always be aware of that change. You shouldn't always be thinking of what you'd be doing (or in Caitlin's case, what I'd rather be doing) if they weren't there. I should be able to do that something with them there. Watching Buffy, being on Facebook, Skyping with Morgan, calling my family, texting my friends, playing my xbox, etc. It should all just fit together. I'm not saying there wouldn't be kinks cause of course there would be, but it should be kinks and not major interruptions to my life or theirs. Like its not supposed to be a hardship to fit someone into your life - more specifically your everyday life. Because things will change. But they should be necessary changes. Not doing the things you enjoy or having to drastically change your life for them is not a necessary change. Its a sign that things are not meant to work out.

And I suppose its hard for me to distinguish that because I'm a big believer in doing whatever you have to in order to make things work with someone you think you love. I.e. moving. Sometimes it happens and its necessary, especially if you're in the military. There is just no way around it. But should your family be so against it that you are questioning absolutely everything about what we are doing? That is a sign its not supposed to work. Of course your family isn't going to like it but a real family would support you and be happy for you regardless. And if they can't and you value their opinions that much than its not going to work.

Never Going To Happen

I really need to find someone new to focus on cause this Santoyo thing is getting a tad bit ridiculous, even for me. Hm. Maybe I should say, especially for me. Today, I actually thought about saying something to her. Well, I mean, it wasn't a conscious thought but it was definitely in the considering realm of my mind. She started off with talking about this girl she likes - who happens to be black - that is a SSG from another FOB and asking for gift advice for the chick's birthday and somehow that morphed into talks about not finding the right person at age 40 and how we should just get married if that happens. And then my computer went all crazy and she thought she freaked me out but I assured her that wasn't the case. And then there was a boom over there and she said brb so I said don't freak Mayo out, hurry back and what not. And she said everything was fine and even called me love. Hm.

There is definite flirting that happens with this girl. Of course I asked her what she would like for her birthday which is coming up and she kept saying nothing and that for me to not abandon her. And I said that was never going to happen. Which it won't. I can't see how I would ever want to not be friends with her. Then again, this whole developing a crush on her thing may actually change that. Ugh.

I just wish I was more adult about this whole thing. The prospect of putting any of myself out there for the world to see - any tiny piece at all - and I clam up. I shy away from it. I try to make it seem like that piece isn't true. Isn't real. Ugh. I know that Toyo doesn't see me any way except for as a friend and maybe a good friend of her ex-girlfriend but that's about it. All the flirting is just because she doesn't have anyone else to flirt with. And the same can definitely be said of me. As cool as Toyo is, I probably wouldn't be thinking this way if I had someone else to focus on.

And then I sit back and I wonder what it is I want in the form of a girl. Small frame, I suppose. Like skinny but not super fucking skinny. Like athletic, maybe a little muscular. Definitely more tomboy than girly. Like to visit the gym, if not play sports. Likes to read, especially big on lesbian books. Enjoys anime and comics. Superheros. Likes Friends, Buffy, Smallville, One Tree Hill. Or at least willing to watch them. And they do not, under any circumstance, like dumb fucking reality shows.  They do, however, have their own taste and own mind to think with.

Personality wise, they are funny and serious and sarcastic and quiet. They enjoy talking but not talking too much. They can convey their thoughts effectively, without all this shy nonsense. They can tell me how it is, you know. Say what they mean. What they want. They are open and honest and nonjudgemental. They have their baggage, like everyone, but they know how to not allow it to affect their lives.

Ah. That would be great, wouldn't it? Someone who could get me. Could understand me. Can relate to me. Can sit in my room with me and do their own things: homework, movies, reading, facebooking; and is totally comfortable. And, the big thing, they want to be with me. They want to kiss me and feel me and have sex with me. Not becaue they love getting off but because they love the closeness of us being with one another. That's the real tricky part. Not just finding someone who finds me attractive that I also find attractive, but being close with them. Knowing them and having them know me back. That's what's most impossible.

That's why I think I will never find it. Because finding someone who actually wants to be with me - not because they are desperate to be with anyone - is never going to happen. Ugh. It sucks. I am depressed now.

I Think I Get It

I wonder how long its going to take before I find someone that distracts me the way Santoyo does. Damn me and my obsessive personality. Have to be absorbed with something - someone. Have to have someone to distract me. To take this terrible feeling and stiffle it somehow.

I know I'm craving some human interaction right now. And now just over the facebook or at work but for real. But I can't. So, until then I should just focus on working out and reading as much as possible and I don't know... writing. I can't focus on what I don't have.

But, I have realized what it is about Buffy the Vampire Slayer that gets me so settled yet so unsettled. Willow was my first crush. In fact, it was watching Willow on the show that I came to be big revelation that I like girls. It was such a big deal to me then. Lol. And I guess watching the show brings me back to that person - back to the girl I was. And reminds me of what I wanted then and what I still want now.

I keep thinking I heart Willow so much and want a girl to be like her but what I really want is to be like Tara. The part where Willow goes "I just like having something that's just mine," and then Tara response with "I am you know; yours." That is so magical to me. I want to belong to someone. I want to be someone's. It feels like its never going to happen but that is what I want. What I crave. What I thrive for. Truly thrive for.

It breaks my heart that I can't. I think that maybe because I want to belong to someone that maybe I just need a guy - okay, I don't really believe that but my thoughts go there somewhere. However. Buffy and Riley, they are two attractive people and they are hot together. But their relationship doesn't move me like Willow and Tara. I long to have what they have. To experience that with someone else. That's what I want.

Someday, I keep hoping. And I will continue watching. And keep trying to create characters that move me the way those two do, so that my characters can one day move others. Maybe that is my only purpose in life. To create something that will help someone else down the road. Maybe my destiny isn't to be happy. But to write about those who actually find happiness. I'm still going to keep trying though. Keep looking. Keep hoping. I refuse to accept that my destiny is supposed to be misery.

Yep - Good Plan

I just want to wake up one day and have it all mean something. For all the pain and bullshit I've felt and been through actually have a purpose. A meaning.

Maybe that is why I am so fond of Santoyo. I think I can relate to her on some level. A level she is not even willing to admit. I dunno. I guess its something I've never admitted to anyone else besides myself either. I just wish we were close enough that we could admit stuff like this for each other.

Yeah - I know how insane that is. I can't expect Santoyo to be someone that I can relate to for that bound I need. I just need someone that can understand who I am and what I've gone through and what I'm going through still.

It hurts being alive sometimes. Sometimes I ask myself why I'm still alive. I wonder if I should just... end it. I never get an answer for that. I get a conclusion that maybe things would be better if I wasn't but I've never gotten to the point where I start planning my own end. I guess that's a good thing. But thinking about it every day... Every once in a while thinking that I should end it. Nearly every single day thinking that I should at least hurt myself. That it would feel better to do that, or at least hurt less to do that, or hurt enough that it would minus out the pain inside.

But who can I tell that too? Who could ever be trusted enough to know that part of me? Who could ever be trusted enough to know that that's pretty much all of me? The only part of me. End the pain. But a stop to it.

At work, they make a big deal about how "Its a permanent solution to a temporary problem" but how is that possible? I've been feeling this way all my life, for as far back as I could possible remember. So how it that temporary? So far, its been a constant for 23 years. Okay, maybe 20, but that's all of my coherent life. I'm thoroughly convinced that temporary is not at all what this feeling is.

I've gotten to a point where it doesn't kill me quite as much as it used to. I don't resort to crying all the time or feeling bad for myself or hurting myself. I think about it, even want to do it, but I don't.

There's no one I can ever tell that to. I want there to be someone but there isn't. I know that I can't relate to Morgan or Nana on that level. I mean I can' relate to their pain and confusion but they can't relate to mine.  They don't even have a clue of how bad I hurt constantly, every second of every day.

But Santoyo. I think that I can relate to hers to a point that spending time with her may help the ebb the pain a little. Or maybe even help me forget. I think its because she needs someone she can be more of herself with and that is definitely possible with me. I won't judge her for any part of herself, so a good friendship can develop from that. And we can spend time with one another and not feel quite so alone. And that's what I need right now. Not a relationship or a girlfriend but a friend I can relax around. I'm really not that bad of a person to live with, once I feel that I can relax, you know.

I don't even know what the point of this blog is anymore. I'm totally off topic and everywhere. I just want someone I can fucking relate to. But since I can't and there is no one... I will focus obsessively on working out, eating better, saving money and buying anything and everything I want - and seeing anyone I want and going anywhere I want.

Yep - Good plan.