I guess I never really grasp the concept of what it takes to keep me sane in this world. Definitely not work. More like a delusion. I don't have anything to actually keep me sane. I don't actually have anything that is keeping my together, besides myself. I watch all these shows and just come up with more and more items to add on my list of things I don't have but want. I want a real relationship.
I'm not crazy enough to believe that true love actually exist. I mean, in the sense that there is one true love for every person. I just think there is a such thing as love being true. No games, no drama, no lies, so dishonesty. Just one person being true and remaining true to only one person. Forever. When two people are adults it should be very easy to maintain a relationship like that but no one is ever adult enough.
I just want something that's mine. Something that is precious and dear to me, you know. Something that makes this existence actually survivable. I know that the only thing that's keeping me from collapsing, shattering to a million tiny pieces - pieces that will be very nearly impossible to put back together. I know that you have to be broken before you can build yourself back up but what else is there for me to do? That whole incident last year was pretty much rock bottom for me and I've been trying to build myself back up ever since.
But I just don't feel like its enough. I feel like I'm not doing enough. Like I'm not making very much progress. Or much of a change. Big enough of a change. What else can I do to not be me, I wonder. Working out, changing my diet, all things I am doing. But what else? I love the shows and movies I watch, I like the sense of calm they seem to give me when I watch them. Keeping up with people who have lives, I guess.
And I know I said I liked who I am. But that doesn't mean I am satisfied with who I am. Because I'm not. I want more of a change. I want more of an alteration. I just don't know what would be extreme enough. What would be enough period. I will run until my legs don't work and my chest is about to explode. I'll walk in the cold, sleep in a tent, not have any running water. But what else can I possibly do? I can't get any piercings or do anything cool with my hair. Pretty much all I can do is change my clothes and style.
I think I see what needs changing. My attitude. My thought process. Changing how I think. Why I think the way I go. Once I can figure that out, I will change automatically. Do I have to indulge myself in the darkness in order to figure that out though? Maybe I do. Maybe I should. Maybe I need to lose myself completely before I can actually figure out who it is I am supposed to be.
How do I do that? Where to I begin? Its hard to figure that out. I don't think purposefully seeking out the darkness is something people usually do. I just know that being in the light is definitely a painful thing to me. Its crazy, but I feel it. The darkness, deep inside. Trying to get me. Trying to destroy me. It hurts and consumes. But letting it take me over, especially after I've been fighting it for so damn long. Where do I begin with that shit?
I do want to go deeper. Mostly because what's the point of staying out of the darkness anymore? I literally have no reason to fucking fight it. But letting it get me doesn't really sound possible. I'm not angry depressed. I'm just alone and depressed. Lonely, I guess. But worse than that. Self hating, self loathing. I just really want to change who I am.
That same question keeps looming over me though. Where do I start? How do I begin? What would be a big enough change and where is the starting point for that?
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