Thinking.

I guess what got me thinking - or on this train of thought - was watching the Once More, With Feeling episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and watching Willow and Tara. And maybe even the fact that I'm trying to read all the Twilight books before Korea so I can watch them and get back here and see the last one, and Jacob. His fierce love and how he imprints on Bella's daughter... ugh whatever. None of that matters really, but the fact that as I was walking back to work after lunch, I was thinking about love in my life. About my past loves.

Nana - who I was fiercely devoted to myself. Nothing really mattered to me but her. And its not as if I even recognized that I wanted her the way that I did. I just knew that I wanted to be near her, because things were different when I was with her. I felt loved. And I would've done absolutely anything just to be near her. Whether it was begging my mom or her mom or her boyfriend or whatever just so we could spend some time together. It didn't matter what I had to go through because being anywhere near her was totally worth it to me. And being heart broken - I guess I never really knew what it was so I never really considered that. It wasn't until moving to St. Louis that I realized anything at all about myself, so the most intense pain I can even remember with her was leaving her and moving away. Which, I suppose is a good thing. I remember the depression and how much it sucked but the heartbreak part... not much of a memory for me. But I remember how much I loved her and I know she was the first person I ever loved that way, no matter what I might've said back then.

And then Morgan. When I think back to that point in time I just remember how happy I was to be with her. It was like she was the sun in a stormy day or something. Talking to her just instantly made my day. Learning more about her and falling for her was actually a nice time in my life. She made me feel cared for. Like loved. She made me realize that someone actually could love me for me and no other reason. Not because they were getting something else from pretending to love me but loving me made her happy and that made me happy. And I guess that's why it was so hard for me to get over her then. She was the first person I ever hoped to have a future with. Before then, I never saw it. Never even thought it was possible that I could fall in love with someone and be with that person for an extended period of time. And not just love but be in love. She gave me hope and that affected me more than I ever thought. More than I ever knew was even possible. And even now, those feelings are mostly gone. I don't yearn for her the way I used to but she still makes me happy and gives me some kind of hope. Like, life won't always suck.

Then there's Heather. I don't think I ever loved her the way I loved Nana and Morgan. I was devoted to them in a way that I never knew. It was like - and kind of still like - I will never foresaken them. If they need me than nothing will stand in my way to be there for them. Well, I will do everything within my power to help them, is more like it. I will always love them. Like I couldn't make it go away even if I wanted to try. But even though I never felt that way for Heather, I was willing to do anything for her. I just wanted her to be happy and I'd do anything to give her that happiness. I wanted to love her. I wanted to give her everything. Wanted to want it, you know.

And I guess that was kind of how I was with Kelly. I just wanted to do all I could for her. But I realize that I was always so focused on trying to make her life better because if I wasn't focused on that then I would realize that I wasn't happy with her. Same with Heather. I didn't get anything out of those relationships but heartbreak and life lessons. I suppose the life lessons were worth it. But I still would've liked to be with someone who would have a greater, more positive impact on me.

Nana and Morgan... yeah, it killed when they didn't return my love and it took me to such a dark place and it was hell digging myself out of that place, but I genuinely love those two. What would ever be worth trading that for? Nothing. I feel as if I could never stop loving them. I don't know if they could ever stop loving me, though.

And I guess that brings me to my point. I want to fill the way I felt with them. I suppose in each instance. I want someone to look at me with love. I thought Kelly had and even Heather but they only ever looked at me like "I'm going to miss you so much when you're gone" type of way. I want someone who is going to look at me like they just love me and want me and treasure me. I want someone who will fit into my life seamlessly. I know that people will always change your life a little when they come into it, but you shouldn't always be aware of that change. You shouldn't always be thinking of what you'd be doing (or in Caitlin's case, what I'd rather be doing) if they weren't there. I should be able to do that something with them there. Watching Buffy, being on Facebook, Skyping with Morgan, calling my family, texting my friends, playing my xbox, etc. It should all just fit together. I'm not saying there wouldn't be kinks cause of course there would be, but it should be kinks and not major interruptions to my life or theirs. Like its not supposed to be a hardship to fit someone into your life - more specifically your everyday life. Because things will change. But they should be necessary changes. Not doing the things you enjoy or having to drastically change your life for them is not a necessary change. Its a sign that things are not meant to work out.

And I suppose its hard for me to distinguish that because I'm a big believer in doing whatever you have to in order to make things work with someone you think you love. I.e. moving. Sometimes it happens and its necessary, especially if you're in the military. There is just no way around it. But should your family be so against it that you are questioning absolutely everything about what we are doing? That is a sign its not supposed to work. Of course your family isn't going to like it but a real family would support you and be happy for you regardless. And if they can't and you value their opinions that much than its not going to work.