I Give Up

I want someone I can go and have coffee or tea with. I want someone to watch movies and TV, play video games and work out with. The awkwardness of dates and knowing she likes you and her knowing you like her and enjoying the awkward moments. Late night texting and phone calls. Trying to decide who's place you're going to stay at tonight. Meeting up at the mall or movies or some restuarant. Trying to decide what to wear before you see that person. Trying to impress them. Get their attention.

I guess I will never find what I'm actually looking for. Cause, I guess I don't believe it exist. How could it? A girl that actually fits with me when I don't fucking fit anywhere, ever. I am always this unique person. I'm black and I speak properly. I dress like a boy but not a thug. A whiteboi, clean cut and preppy. I like white girls who are different, not ghetto or white trash or uneducated. And tomboys, I like other tomboys. I like One Tree Hill and Smallville and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Comics and superheroes and anime. Not stupid fucking black comedy shows and movies and reality TV. I actually like to read and buy books. I have an interesting insight on life and the things around me. I don't believe the first thing someone tells me. I don't believe in religion or anything that I can't really prove. I don't believe in hate or intolerance. I don't believe in us vs them. I don't believe that one group of people can be totally wrong with who they are. I believe people should love who they want and be who they want and that that should be the only thing that matters.

I believe in love. True, honest love. Love that has no lies or deceit. Just love. Love that fits. Love that grows with the people who are experiencing it. Love that consumes and changes you for the better. But most importantly, love that fits. Cause the love I have experienced never fits. It never goes with who I am. Its always me trying to please them but never them trying to please me. Trying to make us work. Just me.... me trying to make it work.

I guess I want someone who wants me. I've never been with someone who just wants me. Who sees me and is interested and wants to impress me. And be with me. And get to know me. And make me happy. And try to make it work with me. Instead of just the other way around. Its always the other way around. Damn it.

Whatever. I have other shit to do than feel bad about how crappy of a life I have. Its over. Done. I give up.