I just want to wake up one day and have it all mean something. For all the pain and bullshit I've felt and been through actually have a purpose. A meaning.
Maybe that is why I am so fond of Santoyo. I think I can relate to her on some level. A level she is not even willing to admit. I dunno. I guess its something I've never admitted to anyone else besides myself either. I just wish we were close enough that we could admit stuff like this for each other.
Yeah - I know how insane that is. I can't expect Santoyo to be someone that I can relate to for that bound I need. I just need someone that can understand who I am and what I've gone through and what I'm going through still.
It hurts being alive sometimes. Sometimes I ask myself why I'm still alive. I wonder if I should just... end it. I never get an answer for that. I get a conclusion that maybe things would be better if I wasn't but I've never gotten to the point where I start planning my own end. I guess that's a good thing. But thinking about it every day... Every once in a while thinking that I should end it. Nearly every single day thinking that I should at least hurt myself. That it would feel better to do that, or at least hurt less to do that, or hurt enough that it would minus out the pain inside.
But who can I tell that too? Who could ever be trusted enough to know that part of me? Who could ever be trusted enough to know that that's pretty much all of me? The only part of me. End the pain. But a stop to it.
At work, they make a big deal about how "Its a permanent solution to a temporary problem" but how is that possible? I've been feeling this way all my life, for as far back as I could possible remember. So how it that temporary? So far, its been a constant for 23 years. Okay, maybe 20, but that's all of my coherent life. I'm thoroughly convinced that temporary is not at all what this feeling is.
I've gotten to a point where it doesn't kill me quite as much as it used to. I don't resort to crying all the time or feeling bad for myself or hurting myself. I think about it, even want to do it, but I don't.
There's no one I can ever tell that to. I want there to be someone but there isn't. I know that I can't relate to Morgan or Nana on that level. I mean I can' relate to their pain and confusion but they can't relate to mine. They don't even have a clue of how bad I hurt constantly, every second of every day.
But Santoyo. I think that I can relate to hers to a point that spending time with her may help the ebb the pain a little. Or maybe even help me forget. I think its because she needs someone she can be more of herself with and that is definitely possible with me. I won't judge her for any part of herself, so a good friendship can develop from that. And we can spend time with one another and not feel quite so alone. And that's what I need right now. Not a relationship or a girlfriend but a friend I can relax around. I'm really not that bad of a person to live with, once I feel that I can relax, you know.
I don't even know what the point of this blog is anymore. I'm totally off topic and everywhere. I just want someone I can fucking relate to. But since I can't and there is no one... I will focus obsessively on working out, eating better, saving money and buying anything and everything I want - and seeing anyone I want and going anywhere I want.
Yep - Good plan.
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