I Think I Get It

I wonder how long its going to take before I find someone that distracts me the way Santoyo does. Damn me and my obsessive personality. Have to be absorbed with something - someone. Have to have someone to distract me. To take this terrible feeling and stiffle it somehow.

I know I'm craving some human interaction right now. And now just over the facebook or at work but for real. But I can't. So, until then I should just focus on working out and reading as much as possible and I don't know... writing. I can't focus on what I don't have.

But, I have realized what it is about Buffy the Vampire Slayer that gets me so settled yet so unsettled. Willow was my first crush. In fact, it was watching Willow on the show that I came to be big revelation that I like girls. It was such a big deal to me then. Lol. And I guess watching the show brings me back to that person - back to the girl I was. And reminds me of what I wanted then and what I still want now.

I keep thinking I heart Willow so much and want a girl to be like her but what I really want is to be like Tara. The part where Willow goes "I just like having something that's just mine," and then Tara response with "I am you know; yours." That is so magical to me. I want to belong to someone. I want to be someone's. It feels like its never going to happen but that is what I want. What I crave. What I thrive for. Truly thrive for.

It breaks my heart that I can't. I think that maybe because I want to belong to someone that maybe I just need a guy - okay, I don't really believe that but my thoughts go there somewhere. However. Buffy and Riley, they are two attractive people and they are hot together. But their relationship doesn't move me like Willow and Tara. I long to have what they have. To experience that with someone else. That's what I want.

Someday, I keep hoping. And I will continue watching. And keep trying to create characters that move me the way those two do, so that my characters can one day move others. Maybe that is my only purpose in life. To create something that will help someone else down the road. Maybe my destiny isn't to be happy. But to write about those who actually find happiness. I'm still going to keep trying though. Keep looking. Keep hoping. I refuse to accept that my destiny is supposed to be misery.