God. Fearless Heart is like the worse thing I could've named this blog because my heart is in no way fearless. In fact, my heart is the one thing I fear the most about myself. Its insecure and can't be trusted. It lies and falls and tricks me every fucking chance it gets. I fear it more than I fear anything else about myself.
And yet, I want to be able to trust it. But I can't. I guess I need to rebuild the trust and that's going to take a lot of time and energy. Its not something I can just wake up after a day or two and say "Yeah, I'm ready to trust you again." Its like any other relationship I've ever been in - except that I'm deciding that one day I'll be able to trust it again when usually when someone screws me I give up completely on them.
And it sucks so much right now - my heart, I mean - because its trying so hard to convince me that I have feelings for someone when that can't possibly be true. Kyla McDonough. Are you insane? Kyla McDonough is the coolest chick I've ever met and the most gorgeous girl I've ever laid eyes on that wasn't on TV. Her smile, her eyes, her hair, her body. How can someone look completely perfect in sweats and a T-shirt, in pajama pants and a tank top, in a evening gown, or dress or freaking jeans? How can she be completely shitfaced and still make all the girls in any room look like ugly baboons in comparision?
Kyla McDonough is amazing and the only girl that actually fits the criteria and guidelines I put on myself for women. She's intelligent, beautiful, driven, ambitious... has her own place and car and have demonstrated in every freaking tough situations I've had to see her in that she can take care of herself. We can text or call or flirt or bullshit or talk serious and its always a good time. And when she's upset its the cutest thing I've ever seen.
I like her. And she's so amazing that my heart has began to believe that is has feelings for her when she is just a friend. Just because she's the most awesome girl I've ever had the pleasure of meeting doesn't mean we should be more than friends. Maybe it just means I need to find a female as close to her as possible.
But thinking about her and dreaming about her is not going to make thing any fucking better for myself. So for 2013 I need to get over this illusion that I have any real feelings for her.
She is a good friend and I am hurting on real friends these days. So "Fearless Heart" stop trying to convince me that there is anything between Kyla and myself. Stop trying to ruin one of the few good things I have in my life. 2013 is all about things being better than they were in 2012. And fucking things up with someone that I like so much is not a good way to change things.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Realization.
I Don't Need To Be Rescued...
And I don't want to have to rescue anyone else either. I cannot be the light at the end of your dark tunnel. I can't be your Knight in shining armor. I can't be anything that involves fucking saving you because I'm way too busy trying to save myself at the moment. That is all I have the strength for.
I understand that people have tough days. Sometimes tough weeks or months. But its a hard knock life for every fucking body. We are all having a hard life. It sucks. But do you think that anyone want to sit up and listen to your crappy fucking life all the fucking time when they are having a hard time themselves?
But that isn't really the problem, is it? You have this preprogrammed instinct that you must save every girl you catch feelings for. Something isn't perfect so you automatically assum eit needs fixing when no one ever said it did. And its even worse when they acknowledge how chaotic their lives are because then you - kind fucking you - has to try and fix it. Has to try and make it better. Its stupid and insane but that is who you are T.J. You always feels that you must help someone. That you have to show them kindness and acceptance.
That's not your job, however.
And its exactly why you need to find someone who doesn't need rescuing either. Not in that literal sense you seem to be drawn towards.
Like you said. Everyone has it tough. That is just life. You can't fucking fix everyone.
All you can do is fix yourself. All you can do is rescue yourself. All you can do it the best you fucking can for yourself. All you can do is allow others to figure shit out on their own.
Because that's the type of person you want in your life. Not someone you need to fucking save. But someone who has figured out how to save themselves. That way, you know they are strong enough to have you in their lives. Because, lets face it, you are a tough person to deal with. And not just any girl can handle you.
And I don't want to have to rescue anyone else either. I cannot be the light at the end of your dark tunnel. I can't be your Knight in shining armor. I can't be anything that involves fucking saving you because I'm way too busy trying to save myself at the moment. That is all I have the strength for.
I understand that people have tough days. Sometimes tough weeks or months. But its a hard knock life for every fucking body. We are all having a hard life. It sucks. But do you think that anyone want to sit up and listen to your crappy fucking life all the fucking time when they are having a hard time themselves?
But that isn't really the problem, is it? You have this preprogrammed instinct that you must save every girl you catch feelings for. Something isn't perfect so you automatically assum eit needs fixing when no one ever said it did. And its even worse when they acknowledge how chaotic their lives are because then you - kind fucking you - has to try and fix it. Has to try and make it better. Its stupid and insane but that is who you are T.J. You always feels that you must help someone. That you have to show them kindness and acceptance.
That's not your job, however.
And its exactly why you need to find someone who doesn't need rescuing either. Not in that literal sense you seem to be drawn towards.
Like you said. Everyone has it tough. That is just life. You can't fucking fix everyone.
All you can do is fix yourself. All you can do is rescue yourself. All you can do it the best you fucking can for yourself. All you can do is allow others to figure shit out on their own.
Because that's the type of person you want in your life. Not someone you need to fucking save. But someone who has figured out how to save themselves. That way, you know they are strong enough to have you in their lives. Because, lets face it, you are a tough person to deal with. And not just any girl can handle you.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Too Much... Not Enough
Stupid period. I fucking hate this time of the month dude. I seriously do. Its the only time where I am completely out of control with my emotions and I get all sad and depressed and just... can't get a grip on myself. I fucking hate it. And I'm all vulnerable and I start becoming more than friendly attracted to my friends. But liking your friends is like the most retarded thing a person can do. Because relationships never last. And friendships are forever altered...
What I want... is to believe that real relationships do last. That not everyone is a liar. That some people do actually know what the fuck they want out of life. And who they are. And that they are actually trying to make something of themselves. Not planning it... not just fucking saying it but actually fucking doing it.
I know I'm not perfect. I know I have a long way to go before becoming something that I, myself, would be proud of. I'm not who I want to be yet and I'm not claiming to be better than anyone else. We all have our journey to take. We all have our mistakes to make. And none of us are done making the most of this life. But... some of us are closer to being useful members of society than others. And is that so much to ask for? Someone who is a useful member of society?
I know, I'm not one to talk. I sit up in my room all day, chatting with folks on facebook and watching awesome shows on tv, but I can take care of myself. I work 5 days a week at a decent enough job and I'm attempting to secure my future. I do want to finish school and obtain a degree. I'll get my license back one of these days... actually, within the next 30 days if I play my cards right, and I'll have a new car. And I have credit cards and decent credit. If I can something, I have enough money to buy it. I have saving accounts. I have goals that are more than just dreams. They're plans. I have ambitions. I have discipline and I try to be a good person.
And I can think. I can hold a real conversations. I'm wise and knowledgable and willing to learn. Willing to be taught. I want to do things with my life. So why the fuck can't I find anyone else like me?
They don't have to be exactly like me. I am awesome because of all the little parts about me that are cool that make me awesome as a whole. But I meet people and get to know the little parts of them and none of them are as cool as I hope. As a whole they look pretty cool. They sound pretty cool. But I get to know them... They have too many uncool parts. No ambition. No drive. No discipline. No job. No car. No healthy friends. No money. No sense of style. No confidence.
They don't have to have it all but they have to have some of it. And a sense of self. A sense of who they are. I can't take all this insecure crap. We are all insecure. That is life but you don't need to be broadcasting that shit to the world. Have a little faith in yourself, for pete's sake.
I'm seriously not trying to make it seem like there is a problem with people not being so sure of themselves. I'm just saying that I am too preoccupied with my own life to be some kind of super support system for someone else. I am 23 years old. I am very fucking busy trying to keep myself afloat. I have no time or energy to keep two fucking people afloat. I've tried that, more times than I care to admit, and in the end all it left with me was feelings of emptiness.
I know everyone is looking for a reason. But sometimes you need to be your own damn reason. Because the person you're trying to fucking lean on may not fucking be strong enough. This is why I need it to be 50/50. Why I need it to be even. We have to be on the same level.
What I want... is to believe that real relationships do last. That not everyone is a liar. That some people do actually know what the fuck they want out of life. And who they are. And that they are actually trying to make something of themselves. Not planning it... not just fucking saying it but actually fucking doing it.
I know I'm not perfect. I know I have a long way to go before becoming something that I, myself, would be proud of. I'm not who I want to be yet and I'm not claiming to be better than anyone else. We all have our journey to take. We all have our mistakes to make. And none of us are done making the most of this life. But... some of us are closer to being useful members of society than others. And is that so much to ask for? Someone who is a useful member of society?
I know, I'm not one to talk. I sit up in my room all day, chatting with folks on facebook and watching awesome shows on tv, but I can take care of myself. I work 5 days a week at a decent enough job and I'm attempting to secure my future. I do want to finish school and obtain a degree. I'll get my license back one of these days... actually, within the next 30 days if I play my cards right, and I'll have a new car. And I have credit cards and decent credit. If I can something, I have enough money to buy it. I have saving accounts. I have goals that are more than just dreams. They're plans. I have ambitions. I have discipline and I try to be a good person.
And I can think. I can hold a real conversations. I'm wise and knowledgable and willing to learn. Willing to be taught. I want to do things with my life. So why the fuck can't I find anyone else like me?
They don't have to be exactly like me. I am awesome because of all the little parts about me that are cool that make me awesome as a whole. But I meet people and get to know the little parts of them and none of them are as cool as I hope. As a whole they look pretty cool. They sound pretty cool. But I get to know them... They have too many uncool parts. No ambition. No drive. No discipline. No job. No car. No healthy friends. No money. No sense of style. No confidence.
They don't have to have it all but they have to have some of it. And a sense of self. A sense of who they are. I can't take all this insecure crap. We are all insecure. That is life but you don't need to be broadcasting that shit to the world. Have a little faith in yourself, for pete's sake.
I'm seriously not trying to make it seem like there is a problem with people not being so sure of themselves. I'm just saying that I am too preoccupied with my own life to be some kind of super support system for someone else. I am 23 years old. I am very fucking busy trying to keep myself afloat. I have no time or energy to keep two fucking people afloat. I've tried that, more times than I care to admit, and in the end all it left with me was feelings of emptiness.
I know everyone is looking for a reason. But sometimes you need to be your own damn reason. Because the person you're trying to fucking lean on may not fucking be strong enough. This is why I need it to be 50/50. Why I need it to be even. We have to be on the same level.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Mel
She's very sweet and goofy. She texts me all the time, tells me how amazing I am, how much she likes me. She really wears her heart on her sleeve and I don't want to be someone that's going to abuse that. I know I tend to. When there are girls that are crazy about me and then girls that I'm crazy about, I tend to go for the girl that screws me completely over. Cause I don't feel as if the other girl is worthy enough of me. But really, who am I? Am I worried about what friends or family will think? Because - why the fuck should I do that when none of them have to live my life? I am the one that has to be happy in the end. Beacuse in the end all they are going to care about is if they are happy or not. So I need to care about myself in that same regard.
It just hard. You want to date someone you're going to be proud to be in public with. Proud to have on your arm. But what's most important is having someone who brings happiness to your world. Who brings out the very best in you.
I enjoy talking to her. I think she's adorable. She makes me laugh. And I look forward to talk to her everyday.
She's just so young! I guess that is what's bothering me. Like right now she's on break, walking to the store for energy drinks... I don't know why that bothers me. It just does. I should be happy that she likes to stay awake so she can talk to me. Its a good thing that she enjoys me just the way I enjoy her. Somehow... the girl has to barely notice me for to be interested. All the while I'm wishing they wanted me the way I want them but once a girl comes along that actually does, I don't have any fucking interest. Or I'm 80% more suspicious of them. I already convince myslf that its never going to work out.
What is wrong with me? Why do I do this to myself?
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Damn Life
I'm not saying I don't believe in marriage or that I don't believe in marriage for myself but seriously... I see the shit on TV and it just doesn't seem like something I would do. Then again, maybe that's because I always see this shit from heterosexual people on TV. And, well... I'm not heterosexual.
God. I've never said that before. I know I'm gay. I've said written that or said it out loud plenty of fucking times but saying I'm not heterosexual sounds so very strange. And so very right. I am not heterosexual and I don't want a heterosexual life. I'm all about equality. But I'm gay. I want a gay life. A lesbian life. That's what I want to be. A lesbian. My self.
Maybe I am thinking about this because Washington legalized same-sex marriage this month. I can get married one day, if I stayed here, if I wanted. If I found the right fucking woman... but I just don't feel as if I'll ever find that right fucking person. My options are so fucking slim. And I am so fucking picking. I know what I want.
My equal. My partner. Not someone I have to make. Not someone who I have to show how to be an adult. Someone who already fucking knows how. Someone who already knows who they are. Someone who realized that they are lesbian, that they love women, that men are not an option. Just because that's who I am. And I want someone who is like me. Like I said - my equal.
I feel like that's never going to happen. Finding someone who is financially secure... emotionally secure... someoen who has their life on track. It doesn't have to be completely together but things have to be on the right track. Someone who is secure with who they are. Know what they want. And keeps themselves together. Who takes care of themselves. They don't have to be obsessively into it but to care would be fantastic.
To be honest... I want them to get my humor and emotions like Nana does, to be fun and secure with themselves like Kyla, to be fearless and strong like Okazaki, and to dress and understand me like Morgan. And they need to be as driven as Tamara and as blunt, honest and intelligent as Tiara.
God. I've never said that before. I know I'm gay. I've said written that or said it out loud plenty of fucking times but saying I'm not heterosexual sounds so very strange. And so very right. I am not heterosexual and I don't want a heterosexual life. I'm all about equality. But I'm gay. I want a gay life. A lesbian life. That's what I want to be. A lesbian. My self.
Maybe I am thinking about this because Washington legalized same-sex marriage this month. I can get married one day, if I stayed here, if I wanted. If I found the right fucking woman... but I just don't feel as if I'll ever find that right fucking person. My options are so fucking slim. And I am so fucking picking. I know what I want.
My equal. My partner. Not someone I have to make. Not someone who I have to show how to be an adult. Someone who already fucking knows how. Someone who already knows who they are. Someone who realized that they are lesbian, that they love women, that men are not an option. Just because that's who I am. And I want someone who is like me. Like I said - my equal.
I feel like that's never going to happen. Finding someone who is financially secure... emotionally secure... someoen who has their life on track. It doesn't have to be completely together but things have to be on the right track. Someone who is secure with who they are. Know what they want. And keeps themselves together. Who takes care of themselves. They don't have to be obsessively into it but to care would be fantastic.
To be honest... I want them to get my humor and emotions like Nana does, to be fun and secure with themselves like Kyla, to be fearless and strong like Okazaki, and to dress and understand me like Morgan. And they need to be as driven as Tamara and as blunt, honest and intelligent as Tiara.
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