Too Much... Not Enough

Stupid period. I fucking hate this time of the month dude. I seriously do. Its the only time where I am completely out of control with my emotions and I get all sad and depressed and just... can't get a grip on myself. I fucking hate it. And I'm all vulnerable and I start becoming more than friendly attracted to my friends. But liking your friends is like the most retarded thing a person can do. Because relationships never last. And friendships are forever altered...

What I want... is to believe that real relationships do last. That not everyone is a liar. That some people do actually know what the fuck they want out of life. And who they are. And that they are actually trying to make something of themselves. Not planning it... not just fucking saying it but actually fucking doing it.

I know I'm not perfect. I know I have a long way to go before becoming something that I, myself, would be proud of. I'm not who I want to be yet and I'm not claiming to be better than anyone else. We all have our journey to take. We all have our mistakes to make. And none of us are done making the most of this life. But... some of us are closer to being useful members of society than others. And is that so much to ask for? Someone who is a useful member of society?

I know, I'm not one to talk. I sit up in my room all day, chatting with folks on facebook and watching awesome shows on tv, but I can take care of myself. I work 5 days a week at a decent enough job and I'm attempting to secure my future. I do want to finish school and obtain a degree. I'll get my license back one of these days... actually, within the next 30 days if I play my cards right, and I'll have a new car. And I have credit cards and decent credit. If I can something, I have enough money to buy it. I have saving accounts. I have goals that are more than just dreams. They're plans. I have ambitions. I have discipline and I try to be a good person.

And I can think. I can hold a real conversations. I'm wise and knowledgable and willing to learn. Willing to be taught. I want to do things with my life. So why the fuck can't I find anyone else like me?

They don't have to be exactly like me. I am awesome because of all the little parts about me that are cool that make me awesome as a whole. But I meet people and get to know the little parts of them and none of them are as cool as I hope. As a whole they look pretty cool. They sound pretty cool. But I get to know them... They have too many uncool parts. No ambition. No drive. No discipline. No job. No car. No healthy friends. No money. No sense of style. No confidence.

They don't have to have it all but they have to have some of it. And a sense of self. A sense of who they are. I can't take all this insecure crap. We are all insecure. That is life but you don't need to be broadcasting that shit to the world. Have a little faith in yourself, for pete's sake.

I'm seriously not trying to make it seem like there is a problem with people not being so sure of themselves. I'm just saying that I am too preoccupied with my own life to be some kind of super support system for someone else. I am 23 years old. I am very fucking busy trying to keep myself afloat. I have no time or energy to keep two fucking people afloat. I've tried that, more times than I care to admit, and in the end all it left with me was feelings of emptiness.

I know everyone is looking for a reason. But sometimes you need to be your own damn reason. Because the person you're trying to fucking lean on may not fucking be strong enough. This is why I need it to be 50/50. Why I need it to be even. We have to be on the same level.