Damn Life

I'm not saying I don't believe in marriage or that I don't believe in marriage for myself but seriously... I see the shit on TV and it just doesn't seem like something I would do. Then again, maybe that's because I always see this shit from heterosexual people on TV. And, well... I'm not heterosexual.

God. I've never said that before. I know I'm gay. I've said written that or said it out loud plenty of fucking times but saying I'm not heterosexual sounds so very strange. And so very right. I am not heterosexual and I don't want a heterosexual life. I'm all about equality. But I'm gay. I want a gay life. A lesbian life. That's what I want to be. A lesbian. My self.

Maybe I am thinking about this because Washington legalized same-sex marriage this month. I can get married one day, if I stayed here, if I wanted. If I found the right fucking woman... but I just don't feel as if I'll ever find that right fucking person. My options are so fucking slim. And I am so fucking picking. I know what I want.

My equal. My partner. Not someone I have to make. Not someone who I have to show how to be an adult. Someone who already fucking knows how. Someone who already knows who they are. Someone who realized that they are lesbian, that they love women, that men are not an option. Just because that's who I am. And I want someone who is like me. Like I said - my equal.

I feel like that's never going to happen. Finding someone who is financially secure... emotionally secure... someoen who has their life on track. It doesn't have to be completely together but things have to be on the right track. Someone who is secure with who they are. Know what they want. And keeps themselves together. Who takes care of themselves. They don't have to be obsessively into it but to care would be fantastic.

To be honest... I want them to get my humor and emotions like Nana does, to be fun and secure with themselves like Kyla, to be fearless and strong like Okazaki, and to dress and understand me like Morgan. And they need to be as driven as Tamara and as blunt, honest and intelligent as Tiara.