No More Lies

God. Fearless Heart is like the worse thing I could've named this blog because my heart is in no way fearless. In fact, my heart is the one thing I fear the most about myself. Its insecure and can't be trusted. It lies and falls and tricks me every fucking chance it gets. I fear it more than I fear anything else about myself.

And yet, I want to be able to trust it. But I can't. I guess I need to rebuild the trust and that's going to take a lot of time and energy. Its not something I can just wake up after a day or two and say "Yeah, I'm ready to trust you again." Its like any other relationship I've ever been in - except that I'm deciding that one day I'll be able to trust it again when usually when someone screws me I give up completely on them.

And it sucks so much right now - my  heart, I mean - because its trying so hard to convince me that I have feelings for someone when that can't possibly be true. Kyla McDonough. Are you insane? Kyla McDonough is the coolest chick I've ever met and the most gorgeous girl I've ever laid eyes on that wasn't on TV. Her smile, her eyes, her hair, her body. How can someone look completely perfect in sweats and a T-shirt, in pajama pants and a tank top, in a evening gown, or dress or freaking jeans? How can she be completely shitfaced and still make all the girls in any room look like ugly baboons in comparision?

Kyla McDonough is amazing and the only girl that actually fits the criteria and guidelines I put on myself for women. She's intelligent, beautiful, driven, ambitious... has her own place and car and have demonstrated in every freaking tough situations I've had to see her in that she can take care of herself. We can text or call or flirt or bullshit or talk serious and its always a good time. And when she's upset its the cutest thing I've ever seen.

I like her. And she's so amazing that my heart has began to believe that is has feelings for her when she is just a friend. Just because she's the most awesome girl I've ever had the pleasure of meeting doesn't mean we should be more than friends. Maybe it just means I need to find a female as close to her as possible.

But thinking about her and dreaming about her is not going to make thing any fucking better for myself. So for 2013 I need to get over this illusion that I have any real feelings for her.

She is a good friend and I am hurting on real friends these days. So "Fearless Heart" stop trying to convince me that there is anything between Kyla and myself. Stop trying to ruin one of the few good things I have in my life. 2013 is all about things being better than they were in 2012. And fucking things up with someone that I like so much  is not a good way to change things.