Mel

So, this is the new girl I have in my life at the moment. Her name is Mellisa, but I think I'm going to call her Mel. So far I just call her hon and babe, but I like the sounds of Mel. Anyway. She is pretty hot, isn't she? I don't know. Its strange. She is so damn sweet and nice and friendly. I don't even know where to begin. She's 20, she lives in Tacoma. She works a lot at KFC. She's not in school yet and doesn't have a car, which are two things that I would really prefer her to have but she's twenty. And I have to remember that now everyone is me. Besides, I'm 23 and I don't have a car right now so I need to stop fucking judging. I just need to be accepting.

She's very sweet and goofy. She texts me all the time, tells me how amazing I am, how much she likes me. She really wears her heart on her sleeve and I don't want to be someone that's going to abuse that. I know I tend to. When there are girls that are crazy about me and then girls that I'm crazy about, I tend to go for the girl that screws me completely over. Cause I don't feel as if the other girl is worthy enough of me. But really, who am I? Am I worried about what friends or family will think? Because - why the fuck should I do that when none of them have to live my life? I am the one that has to be happy in the end. Beacuse in the end all they are going to care about is if they are happy or not. So I need to care about myself in that same regard.

It just hard. You want to date someone you're going to be proud to be in public with. Proud to have on your arm. But what's most important is having someone who brings happiness to your world. Who brings out the very best in you.

I enjoy talking to her. I think she's adorable. She makes me laugh. And I look forward to talk to her everyday.

She's just so young! I guess that is what's bothering me. Like right now she's on break, walking to the store for energy drinks... I don't know why that bothers me. It just does. I should be happy that she likes to stay awake so she can talk to me. Its a good thing that she enjoys me just the way I enjoy her. Somehow... the girl has to barely notice me for to be interested. All the while I'm wishing they wanted me the way I want them but once a girl comes along that actually does, I don't have any fucking interest. Or I'm 80% more suspicious of them. I already convince myslf that its never going to work out.

What is wrong with me? Why do I do this to myself?