Smitten

Okay. So. Have you ever met someone that you just instantly clicked with somehow? You meet this person and think they seem like a pretty cool person, so you talk to them and there is like never a dull moment? So you start texting and talk and the more you talk and get to know this person, you think "holy crap, I can see myself with this person?"

Hard to believe but with Trey, is seriously feels that way. There is like never a full moment. Oh my gosh. I wish I wasn't so tired so I can properly describe how fucking amazing this person is.

I've definitely never met anyone like Trey before but it feels like I've known her for months already. Maybe even years. Because we connect so much. The conversation has been so good and interesting over text and facebook but when Trey came down to visit on Sunday is was the most fun I've had in two years. Probably even longer, so be true. I've never wanted to be near someone quite like this before. I like adore Trey. Like seriously. From the fact that Trey is genderqueer to the fact that she gets super nervous and anxious about things.

I just keep seeing her face. Last time. Hanging out and just talking was great. She watched me talk and listen and it was fucking great. And then we make it back here and she gets me heart pounding. When I finally kissed her and everything just felt so good. Holding her. The feel of her skin. So damn good. And then the sex was fucking unbelievable. And saying goodbye was so difficult but I knew it would be the last time I saw her again. Soon. Not soon enough but definitely not too soon from now.

I know I should be worried and freaking out about getting close to anyone ever again. I know I should keep in mind that she has a complicated, troubled past and that I really don't know if this person will hurt me but I'm already thinking... trusting that she won't hurt me.

I know everyone has their flaws, but I honestly think that when I realize what Trey's are that is won't matter. Having so much faith in someone is so not like me. This person has such a strange affect on me.

Too Amazing

Alright, I know I told myself not to get overly excited about the prospect of Trey but he is just too damn amazing not to talk about. Especially since he is driving down tomorrow so we can hang out. And I'm pretty sure he's spending the night and we're going to continue hanging out Monday, also.

He is so damn amazing. We Skyped for the first time and I was nervous there might be awkward silences but it was never an issue. We chatted and joked and it was just so fucking awesome. And when things got too embarrassing to talk about, we typed it out. Lol. Like. Having him to talk to is so great and I just don't have enough words to describe how much I like this guy.

One of the things we talked about was being referred to as him or her. And he told me that sometimes he feels feminine and sometimes he feels masculine and I was just like how about I refer to you as both, depending on which you're feeling like and he got super excited about it.

Like. I know, it sounds a little strange however, I have no problem with it. I like that he feels he's both. That he has his days and then she has her days and it reflects in her personalitiy. I'm sure the clothes will pretty much give it away but I will have to pay close attention. Have no problem with that, also. And if I can't figure it out, I'll just have to ask. Lol.

He's such an amazing person. And the dynamic between us is so awesome. I like it. Because no matter what he feels like, he likes that I am more dominant and pretty protective and I really like the fact that he is kind of territorial because I have no prblem if he wants to stake a claim or something.

I'm pretty sure we are going to be taking things slowly, though. I mean, talking all the time and Skyping is one thing but we both decided we were going to work on ourselves this year before we ever really knew each other and I have no plans of going back on that now.

Like, I really wish my car situations was squared away now. And that my body looked more like what I see in my head. And that I am just a better, more stable person period. I know I still feel pretty broken and my confidence is not where I want it to be... but I don't want to keep distance between us. I seriously don't. I don't want to miss out on a good thing. So, I will just have to keep things slow and steady.

Although, there is Valentines day to think about. Stupid shit is right around the fucking corner. But he told me that he actually likes romantic stuff so HOPEFULLY my car situation will be better and I can drive down and maybe bring flowers or a teddy bear or something. Lol. Ask him to be my Valentine. Cheesy, I know but he is so damn amazing. I just want him to know that.

Okay. I know, I'm getting ahead of myself here. Today is only the 19th and Valentines Day is a month away and I have other things I should be worrying about, I can't stop thinking about him so... yeah. I want to say like he's too things working out with him or getting better or here's to getting to know more about him but gosh damn it, I'm afaid to fucking jinx this. This guy really is something.

I don't know what mistake I always, always make with the other people I become interested in and then date and then get into a relationship with but I seriously don't want to fucking fuck this up. I need to figure out what my issue is and fix it because oh my gosh, I haven't smiled like this in so damn long. I don't want that to go away.

Trey

I know, I'm setting myself for failure by writing about this because the Universe just seriously hates me but I really like to document everything. At least this week keep my focused on something until Santoyo gets back so we can actually talk abut some stuff. So, here goes...

So, I met this person. They messaged me on facebook about a week or two, actually it was probably a month ago. I'm thinking they added me because of some facebook pace I frequent and decided to add me for some reason. So at least, I totally accepted the response because I usually do that when someone is attractive enough. But never really said anything.

Then they started speaking to me. Randomly. Nothing really significant but the conversation flowed easily. Still, didn't pay it much mind. A lot of folks add and/or talk to me because they think I'm good looking. Besides, it said on their profile they were married and I tend to take that seriously no matter how false it may actually be.

So, said person decided to send me a random message about being trans. Now, I've been wondering about transgenderism - not sure it that's a word - for a while and have been adding and speaking with more transman because something about it fascinates me and such. So when this person decided to ask me how I "felt" about the "transgender issue." And my first response was that transmen are fucking awesome, if that's what they're asking.

I mean, Adam Torres fucking kills me how awesome he is.

So, when I gave my possible opinion, said person decided to tell me that they think they are a transgender male. And I said that they should be who they are, but not to jeopardize their livelihood. And ever since then, we've been chatting, sparingly. And then somehow, one conversation led to another and now the conversing has been been a pretty constant, regular thing.

Now, I really didn't think anything would come from us speaking. I want more transgender males are friends because I just find them really cool. So when he told me that he is identifying as trans right now, I was like okay, then I will refer to you in the male pronoun.

Then I gave him my number and we've been texting a lot. Like constantly. And the more I learn about him, the more I like. And the strangest thing is that I think I like who he is, even as a female. Because I saw the girly pics because he has to dress female in order to function in his life without an issue.

This is all sounding very confusing and I'm not explaining it right but he is really freaking cool. Like I said, the more I learn the more I like. And now I'm starting to think this person is pretty near perfect. How is that possible? I don't know. He lives two hours way in a tiny fucking town but its really not bothering me because I"m enjoying just getting to know him. The kind of guy he actually is.

I know I have a tendency to get overly excited about situations like this. See every girl I've ever been interested in. But this is different because he is well, a he for one. Two, he seems to like who I actually am and not just the pictures they see on facebook. But I had to think on the trans things.

Could I date someone who fundamentally a male? I think we all know the answer is yes. I like masculine females. I adore them. And I freaking adore transmen. So, not an issue. How about the distance? Without  a car, its quite depressing. But I should have one soon and I have no problem driving two miles anywhere. Does he like African American females? Yes. Obviously, he started speaking to me first.

So I went through all the usual reasons why I wouldn't date a person and none of those reasons are holding up quite well. Hence, the blog. I feel comfortable enough to know that I like him and he likes me. He has said so several times about liking who I am and showing me to his friends and saying how attractive I am. Lol. I find that cute.

But what is the difference between him and Mellisa, you wonder? I really have no idea. Except, I do. Mellisa was all over me the second we text and just overly excited about talking to me even though I had barely spoken to her. Mellisa didn't have any of her shit together. She apologize for every little thing. She's kind of immature. The only thing she had going for her is the job she has at KFC and she's only 20 and I'm really trying hard not to be judgmental because I was working at DQ and Schnucks at 20. I didn't have my shit together. I had so many issues. Was in the strangest of places mentally and physically. And just a crap ton of other things.

But that is the damn difference. I was 20. I'm 23 now and my shit is in way better order than it was before. And I would just really love someone who also had their shit together. Because I tried that whole trying to settle for someone on a lower level than myself than Kelly and I ended up giving my all also and it backfired big time. So, I just can't go there again.

And Trey is just so different. He has a decent job, doesn't live at home with the rents and it trying to figure himself it. Like he acknowledges that he doesn't quite know but what's to figure it out. I adore that. Someone who is self-aware. I really freaking need that. And he wants to get to know me. Ask questions and had real answers to my questions.

He didn't just pour out all of his issues in one conversation.  And he doesn't just throw out random weird jokes or phrases that makes absolutely no sense to anyone but himself. He isn't trying so hard. Talking to him is like peeling an onion. The more I ask, the more I mean, the closer I get to who he actually is. Instead of him just telling me all this random shit for me to base my opinion on that.

I just feel like Mellisa was way too insecure for me. She didn't actually want me. She just wanted someone, anyone to love her and to not be so alone. I felt like I could be anybody. It's not a really good feeling to have. Plus, the date wasn't the best date I've ever been on and I didn't have any fun with her. I feel as if she was just trying so hard to like me and forced it when I doubt she actually felt anything for me. And her style... I didn't get it. She just threw anything together, had her long hair shoved into a way too big hat. I just like more clean up, more confidence in the clothes. Not just a "Trying to hide my body" type a way.

Now, I know its really not fair to compare two people who are complete opposite or even compare people period but I have to explain why I'm more likely to go for Trey and I was likely to go for Mellisa and why I had to stop being so flirty and such what her. Had to stop leading her on.

And another cool thing about Trey, besides his cool freaking name, is his hair. Short. I adore fucking short hair on anyone. Its fucking hot.

Okay. Now I really need to stop obsessing about him. He is just so cool and I really like who he is. Very feminine personality but masculine and I feel like it would fit well  with who I feel like I am. But - getting ahead of myself again here.

I'm enjoying getting to know him. And I'm enjoying the fact that he anticipates my texts and that it brings a smile to his face. And I'm enjoying the fact that I have no desire to try and "save" him because he's doing a pretty good job of keeping himself together without my help. I like that shit.

I don't want to jinx myself by saying I hope this works out in my favor and what not, because the Universe hates me and what's not but I am looking forward to learning more about this guy.

Dream Girl?

So. I keep blogging about how no girl is right for me and how I don't want love or how I will never find love or how each girl I talk with is not someone I could fall in love with and blah blah blah. But I've never actually wrote about what exactly I would want in a girlfriend. So, I guess I'm going to talk about that right now.

First, I think its safe to say that I want a girl who is "stud" or "butch" or whatever. Tomboy. I'm not saying I will only ever like tomboys from here on out but it is safe to say that being tomboy is one of the most attractive things to me. I love a girl in baggy jeans and a fitted hat. That's just the way it is.

I won't apologize or be ashamed of who I am, ever again. I did that. First with being gay period and then with who I'm attracted to. So. Tomboy. But a tomboy with some sense of style. It can be punk style, stud style, pretty boi, etc. But actual style. I can't handle it when people have no idea how to wear their fucking clothes. Or have no appreciation for clothes or shoes or hats, in the least. I can't handle it. I just can't. So, appreciation for clothes. They don't have to be as into it as myself but come on now...

I guess it goes without saying that they must be good looking. Cute in someway. I'm not a very shallow person. And I'm easily intimidated by good looking people. So saying someone has to be dropdead gorgeous would be crazy and unfair. But I have to be attracted to the person. However, I've dated so many different people that I'm attracted to so many different things about a girl that its hard to say specifically what I think is attractive.

They just can't be over weight. Which brings me to working out and enjoying sports and outdoorsy thing. I know, I don't play very much sports anymore or do shit outside besides run but I want to. I want someone who is fit and in shape, because it means they care enough about themselves to stay healthy. They don't have to be as vain and egotistical as myself... but they have to care about themselves. And one of the ways that shows is through working out... working hard... being disciplined enough. And it says a lot about your personality.

And if they're fit, it means I can drag them to do new and different things like hiking and camping. Or they can drag me to do it. But I want to get around to doing it somehow. So, someone who will drag me out of the barracks would be simply great. I very much like it in here but I know there is a world outside these walls that I'm really missing out on.

Must love videogames. Despite the fact that I don't play them much, I do like them. I just hate to lose... so I take breaks. And I like very specific games, so that doesn't help. But I would love to date someone who will sit up and play video games and listen to music with me for hours at a time.

Another thing. Music. Its not that big of an issue for me. Cause I can listen to almost anything but if they're like obsessed with rap music... its probably going to irritate the fuck out of me. I don't dislike it but I can't deal with it for very long. Just saying.

Then there are the basic things that I want. Like, must be old enough to get into a bar because sometimes I hang out with people who like to go to bars. Must have a decent enough job and have a vehicle. And must have their own place. Not by themselves, but can't still be living with the rents. I can't handle that. I just cannot anymore. If I come over the watch a movie and your rents are in the living room with us, that is a total No Go! Now kids... I don't much care about kids. As long as the other parent isn't like still trying to be with you or something crazy like that, its cool. I have absolutely no idea how to talk and interact with children but I'm willing to learn. They just tend to stare at me like I have an extra head, though.

I don't care about money. I only care that they have enough to take care of themselves. I don't care about them knowing how to cook or not but if they can, that's a bonus because I can't cook and don't cook. But if they're okay with fast food and microwavable stuff all the time, than so am I.

They must have a healthy sense of humor. I love when someone can make me laugh. I actually think its necessary in any type of relationship. Whether its just a friendship or whatever. My entire family cracks me up. They're the funniest people I know. So, if I'm going to date someone and spend a lot of time with them, then they have to be funny and be able to make me laugh.

They have to be ambition. Wanting something out of life means nothing unless they are actually trying to make those dreams a reality. If they enjoy reading or writing, that's a plus but not a necessity. If they like comicbooks heros and anime, also a huge bonus.

They don't have to share my crazy obsessions with certain things like Twilight, Jacob Black, Superman, Dragonball Z, The Lion King, etc, but tolerating it instead of making fun of me would be great.

And I guess, someone who doesn't want my freaking attention 24 hours a day, seven days a freaking week. When I like someone, I really like them. And really want to talk to them. To be with them. But for pete's sake, I had a life before you and I'll have one after you so just relax! I cherish "Me Time." Very much so. So please, don't try and take that away from me. It will just piss me off.

I'm sure there's more but my attention has been split for the last... two or three... maybe even more hours so, I suppose this is what I care about the most? Lol. Alright.

All The Reasons

Too afraid to fall in love. Too afraid to need someone. Too afraid to want someone. Too afraid no one will ever be enough. Too afraid that you’ll never be enough.

I feel so fucking damaged. Even when I think I like a girl there are like a million and one doubts flooding through my heads. Millions of reasons why it couldn’t or wouldn’t or just won’t fucking work out.

Every new relationship brings a new life lesson. But what does any of those lessons mean if I can’t even open up myself enough to trust anyone again? I know the two girls that I actually, truly loved, never meant to hurt me that way. But all the girls after them haven’t given a damn about hurting me and they’ve left so many stupid wounds that I can’t even begin to figure out which ones to heal first.

I like them and I’m afraid they won’t like me as much. I care and I think they won’t care about me as much. That there will be someone they will always care a great deal more for. Or we both care but they aren’t doing enough with their lives for it to ever work. Or they aren’t ready to grow up or not ready to be away from their lives or they aren’t ready for a real, serious relationship that doesn’t revolve around little kid shit.

I want them and they don’t want me. They want me and I don’t want them. I want a family and they want fun. I want fun and they want a family. I want casual and they want serious. I want serious and they want casual.

I can’t get along with their families or they can’t get along with mine. They want to keep me a secret and I refuse to be in the closet for absolutely anyone.

They want to lie. They want to date me and their friends. They want to be with me but sleep with their friends. They want to be with me but be closer to their friends. Intimate with their friends. But not with me. Or they can’t deal with the fact that I am close with my sisters and best friends, and for some reason I can’t be close with them. I can’t find the trust to open myself up enough.

They want to go out every night, get drunk every night, smoke weed and stay up all fucking night. Or they want to stay in every fucking night, never do anything, never go out with their friends or my friends or socialize at all.

Or they suck in bed. Point blank.

Or they don’t take care of themselves. Don’t have any goals. Any plans to reach their dreams. Any determination or discipline or drive or focus. They have no idea what the fuck they want out of this world and have no idea where to start to figure it out.

Or they just don’t go. There is nothing in common besides wanting the same things out of life. There’s no spark. No conversations. No humor. No connection what so ever. Just boringness.

So many reason why it’ll never work and haven’t even begun to write them all down. Just the things that came to mind at the moment. How will anyone worth it ever be found? Where do you even begin to look?

You just know that you want it. That connection. To be with someone and have it all makes sense. Have it all click and feel right and not have to be so damn alone becomes finally someone fucking gets you and understands you and wants you and loves you.

But will it ever happen? Or is it just a fucking fairy tale. Pathetic. Everyone always searching for the same things, from age 11 to age 91 and only a few every truly fucking finds it, most just settles for the best they can get.

I’d rather be along than pretend to be happy with someone that isn’t right. But I want to find someone right and never have to feel this way again.

But it’ll never happen. And I’ll always fucking feel this way.