All The Reasons

Too afraid to fall in love. Too afraid to need someone. Too afraid to want someone. Too afraid no one will ever be enough. Too afraid that you’ll never be enough.

I feel so fucking damaged. Even when I think I like a girl there are like a million and one doubts flooding through my heads. Millions of reasons why it couldn’t or wouldn’t or just won’t fucking work out.

Every new relationship brings a new life lesson. But what does any of those lessons mean if I can’t even open up myself enough to trust anyone again? I know the two girls that I actually, truly loved, never meant to hurt me that way. But all the girls after them haven’t given a damn about hurting me and they’ve left so many stupid wounds that I can’t even begin to figure out which ones to heal first.

I like them and I’m afraid they won’t like me as much. I care and I think they won’t care about me as much. That there will be someone they will always care a great deal more for. Or we both care but they aren’t doing enough with their lives for it to ever work. Or they aren’t ready to grow up or not ready to be away from their lives or they aren’t ready for a real, serious relationship that doesn’t revolve around little kid shit.

I want them and they don’t want me. They want me and I don’t want them. I want a family and they want fun. I want fun and they want a family. I want casual and they want serious. I want serious and they want casual.

I can’t get along with their families or they can’t get along with mine. They want to keep me a secret and I refuse to be in the closet for absolutely anyone.

They want to lie. They want to date me and their friends. They want to be with me but sleep with their friends. They want to be with me but be closer to their friends. Intimate with their friends. But not with me. Or they can’t deal with the fact that I am close with my sisters and best friends, and for some reason I can’t be close with them. I can’t find the trust to open myself up enough.

They want to go out every night, get drunk every night, smoke weed and stay up all fucking night. Or they want to stay in every fucking night, never do anything, never go out with their friends or my friends or socialize at all.

Or they suck in bed. Point blank.

Or they don’t take care of themselves. Don’t have any goals. Any plans to reach their dreams. Any determination or discipline or drive or focus. They have no idea what the fuck they want out of this world and have no idea where to start to figure it out.

Or they just don’t go. There is nothing in common besides wanting the same things out of life. There’s no spark. No conversations. No humor. No connection what so ever. Just boringness.

So many reason why it’ll never work and haven’t even begun to write them all down. Just the things that came to mind at the moment. How will anyone worth it ever be found? Where do you even begin to look?

You just know that you want it. That connection. To be with someone and have it all makes sense. Have it all click and feel right and not have to be so damn alone becomes finally someone fucking gets you and understands you and wants you and loves you.

But will it ever happen? Or is it just a fucking fairy tale. Pathetic. Everyone always searching for the same things, from age 11 to age 91 and only a few every truly fucking finds it, most just settles for the best they can get.

I’d rather be along than pretend to be happy with someone that isn’t right. But I want to find someone right and never have to feel this way again.

But it’ll never happen. And I’ll always fucking feel this way.