30 Days Until I Freak Out

So, I give myself until... about.. January 26th to freak out about leaving. I have practically a month and I haven't been doing shit to prepare myself. I'm hoping that that will all change.

Tomorrow is the beginning of the end - or should I say the beginning of the beginning. Since Unique left her car here for a week or two, I'm feeling hopeful. Now we have two cars again, for like a second. So, tomorrow, I'm starting over.

I'm getting up at 0300, because that's what I'm all be getting up at Ft. Jackson, and going to bed around 2000. Well. I might have to change that to 0400 and 2100 and then just compensate for the hour difference when I get there. Most nights I can't even get to bed until 3:00 AM. Lol.

I'm going to start back up with my Future Soldier Training online, even if I have to go to Mickey D's or Barnes & Noble or DQ to do it. And I'm going to try reading the entire IET Handbook. And going through the ArmyStudyGuide.com site.

And I'm going to start doing my morning, evening and night pushups and sit ups again. Along with going to the YMCA to run and workout. Still trying to get to that three miles before I go! Guess I have to start with One Mile again but I know I can make it to three if I just put forth the effort. Eat better. Drink LOTS and LOTS of water, which I should start at this very moment, really.

And. Last but not least, work on my paking list. First thing on the list is getting my bank form figured out. And I can no longer waste money. I need to pay Caitlin $400. I don't even know how I went backwards. Okay, maybe that was Christmas money that should've been rent money but you know. [Which reminds me, how can she hound me for the $200 I owe her every time we're together or at least every time it comes up in conversation but then turn right back around and ask me to pay for braces? Does she know how much that cost? Regardless of how much I will be making. I mean, come on.]

I also think that I should finish my Shane and Alyssa story. Maybe get a really good start on Cory and Sean. And quite possibly take a crack at that Erotica book Radclyffe is editing. At the very least, I can get some insight on where my writing skill really is and maybe even figure out what I need to do to improve it. You know, now that I will be travelling a bit, I bet I can make one of Rad's workshops next year! Or take a trip to Provincetown around Womens Week? Lol. Maybe not but maybe I really will be able to meet her in person. That would be so sweet!

Anyhow. Preparing for BCT. Preparing to leave. I need to pack up my room at my moms. See Morgan. Maybe even Nana. And figure out what I'm going to do with all my stuff here. What I want to keep. What I want to get rid of. The crap that are just so unnecessary.

And maybe - hopefully - doing all this will prepare me mentally for what I'm about to do.

Going Crazy

I don't know what's going on today, but I seriously feel like I don't want to do a single thing right now. I really don't know what happened. I know finals start... like really soon. And I know that I have a Course Project due sometime this week that is worth quite a bit of points. And I know I should be learning this Chi Square stuff for Stats. And working out. And learning all I can about this Army stuff. And writing as much as I can.

But God, I can't concentrate. Its driving me crazy. I know the cold weather makes me not want to do anything but lie in bed and be lazy, but... school is almost over! Ugh. Do I need warmer clothes or something? I don't know. It's crazy not being able to concentrate. I really need to do this homework and practice exam and project. I really need to read and study and get ready. Cause this lazy shit isn't going to fly in the military!

Maybe I just need to prioritize. Make a list of crap that needs to be done and then do it. Yeah - Maybe that will help. Putting things into perspective does seem to help sometimes.

Alone

I feel so alone, all of the time. I had no idea that I had isolated myself from the world like this. Completely and utterly disconnected from everyone around me. Friends. Family. Co-workers. Classmates. People I knew when I was younger. People I know now. I am not connected to anyone.

I don't even know what I'm searching for. Or why it even matters that I feel like way. I mean, I know it doesn't matter how I'm feeling. I just wish I knew why I felt the way that I do. And if I can't, I wish I knew how to change it.

I just want to get out of St. Louis. Maybe that's my problem. I'm sick of it here.

Basic starts in less than 90 days. I think I can hold out until then.

Task List for Week of Oct. 19th

[] Statistics Homework
[] Research Homework
[] Study for Policing
[] Get form to drop Biology
[] Call Union
[] Pay Cell Bill
[] Pay Gas Bill
[] Take CRM Exam
[] Take Land Navigation Exam
[] Tell Annie giving shift to Ashley
[] Pay Caitlin for Homecoming Tickets
[] Pay Tow Truck thing
[] Owe Caitlin money?
[] Check myview about loan
[] Study for Statistics Exam
[] Study for Research
[] Do Chapters in Policing
[] Laundry?
[] Start First Aid Training
[] Get Biology teacher to sign form
[] Pay Credit Card Bill
[] Fill Out Bank Form
[] Save some of DQ Check
[] Get Running Shoes
[] Go to YMCA
[] Think seriously on cleaning car
[] Sean and Cory story?
[] Alyssa and Shane story?
[] Stay off facebook
[] Put new music on iPod
[] Get new headlight

Lets see if I can get all this shit done within the next 7 days.

Basics

First and foremost, I need to stop taking out my anger and frustration on Caitlin. It's not her fault that things are so stressful right now. Even when that stress involves her sometimes, it's not her fault. Take today for instance, just because she locked her keys in the car and we had to call around for someone to open it, and she had to get to work and I had to wait for said person to come, doesn't make it her fault. Okay - you missed a class. If YOU would just study for that test, meet with a TA during office hours and find the notes from someone, it wouldn't be that big of a deal. Deal with it.

Second, Basic starts Feb. 7th. Or, I ship out for BCT on the 7th. In 123 Days. That means its time to prepare. Learn what needs to be learned. And work out. Keep in shape. Prepare mentally. I can't understand - lack of internet or not - why that concept is so difficult for me to grasp. Get ready. This is serious. Do the tutorials. Do the push ups and sit ups. Visit the gym - YMCA or Mark Twain - and run. You're already scared out of your mind, even if you are looking forward to it. Minimize the fear by learning about it. Educating yourself. Preparing.

Thirdly. School is not going to become easier unless you study and do the work and ask for help and read the book. Doing one out of four is not going to do much good. That's 25%. That's failing. Plain and simple. Read the chapters. Study the notes. Do the examples. Start on the homework early. Okay, you don't have enough time. Make the time.

Fourth - Work. Okay, you switched departments and have to pay shit all over again. Do it. Not much else you can do since you already agreed. Talk to Mary M. See if a pay raise is possible. If not, just deal with it, okay? Save your money. Pay your bills. You have a Cell Bill to pay. Car insurance. AC credit card. Nana needs a hundred. You need running shoes. You promised you'd pay Caitlin Tow Truck thing. You can't just rely on this loan thing because it pretty much seems like you're not getting it. So deal with it, Mayo.

Oh yeah - and do something about that apartment of yours. Its a mess.

Feel So Done

I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I must really be lonely. I've been thinking a lot about Marissa lately - or at least the Marissa I wanted to date back in high school. And Morgan. When Morgan... loved me. The feelings I had then. I don't have them now and would never try to pursue either of them ever again, but I can't stop thinking about the past for some reason.

I think its just because I'm so unhappy. My life is just one diaster after another. If its not tickets and bills, its car trouble and lost wallets. I'm just getting so tired of the way my life is turning out.

From dealing with my mom's moods swings to Caitlin's, I'm just feeling a little miserable. I feel like everything is going to hell, all of the time. I work and work and work, and I still get noting. I try to make Caitlin happy but she never really is. I don't have any friends. I don't have any money. I don't have anything. I'm just exhausted all of the time with nothing to show for it.

I really feel like I'm getting to the end of my rope here. How much unhappiness can I endure before its just too much? I'm trying to be strong cause I believe that that's what life is about. Being strong. Fighting back. Never giving in. But whoever said I was strong?

I can't even write a damn journal, cause Caitlin's in the other room crying about... something. Something about me not wanting to talk to her friend Talisa cause she's homophobic and I don't like homophobic people. I don't know. Just have to go now.

Leave Me Alone

Ugh. I hate Caitlin so much sometimes.

Maybe its just me. Maybe I am a little self-centered and selfish and can only think of myself sometimes. But does that mean I'm always wrong?

I'm sick of dealing with her all the time. I really am. I miss her when we're not together or don't talk for a while, but I'm getting sick of dealing with her. I really am. I have never met someone who is so emotional or takes things so personally before.

We get into a fight and I don't understand why we're fighting, and don't apologize and she freaks out. She freaks the fuck out. Yelling and screaming and throwing shit. Or we get upset. She decides she doesn't want to talk so she says she's hanging up. I try to walk away and I'm in the wrong. She hangs up and it's all gravy.

Or how she keeps me up all night every night. Even when I have to work at 7 am. She only wants to have sex at night time, when I'm exhausted. She wants me to wake up when she wants me to. She's yelling about this damn accident report. She's driving me insane.

I just want to sleep. I just want to work and make money. I just want to be left the fuck alone sometimes. Just leave me alone sometimes. Let me do what I do and just leave me alone.

Turn off the lights. Take out the garbage. Put the food away. Cover your mouth when you yawn. I feel like I'm living with my mother. And I hate how she's trying to tell me how to save my money that I work for. I get that I owe people stuff - but this isn't the first time I've been in debt and it probably won't be the last. Leave me alone. Let me handle it.

I appreciate her help and that she cares so much. But I'm growing sick of this. And my arm looks like shit right now. I'm freaking out and she still finds a way to argue with me.

Why can't you just say "We'll figure it out. Don't worry, it'll be okay. Whatever happens, you're going to be fine. We're going to be fine." Where the fuck are my words of encouragement? But she's always going off on me when I don't have any.

And I can't stop looking at my arm. Its just getting worse. That should be the main focus! But do you know what is? The fact that Sara is leaving from the Galleria and going to Midrivers. That's why she's crying. Not for me but because her manager is going to a different store and that she won't be getting 40 hours in August anymore.

I feel like... I just want me own place. My own space. That I don't want to deal with her anymore. I"m stressed and frustrated and scared. I just want to be left alone.

Happiness

I really wish I knew what was going to make me happy.

I thought I knew.

A car. A job. Money. An apartment. A beaituful girl.

Well - I have all that. And I don't feel any happier. In fact, I think I'm more depressed than ever.

At any moment I feel like I could just shatter into a million pieces.

Or cry forever.

I realize that I enjoy the company of others, especially my girl, but I'm most comfortable alone.

I never have the desire to finish the things I've started.

Its a task just to get out of bed in the morning.

I don't know how to change it all. How to pull myself out of this pit of despair I've created for myself.

Maybe the first step in fixing myself is figuring out how to fix me. I can't figure out the what until I figure out the how.

Four. Twenty-Six. Twenty Ten.

I want to change my image. Change who I am. Become a better person. But I am not at all sure how to do it. I try and try - or do what I at least think is trying. So I hope that a Step By Step list of things I want or think need work on will help me get closer.

[] More Mature Wardrobe
[] New Hair Cut
[] Work out Regularly
[] Figure Out What You Want
[] Finish A Story
[] Finish The Other Story
[] Become A Stronger Person
[] Get up at 6 Am Every Morning
[] Accomplish Something Everyday
[] Learn A New Word Everyday
[] Read Something New
[] Get Rid Of Your Stomach
[] Run Every Morning
[] Write Every Morning
[] Thirty Push-Ups Every Day
[] Let Caitlin In

I need to make a change. Even if not for myself, then for my girlfriend. She deserves so much more then what I am. Then what I have become.

I just need to get up and do something. To just get up and accomplish something. To just get up and change.

Maybe the darkness will always be there. And maybe it will never stop trying to take me down with it. But does that mean I have to let it? I want the strength to fight it. I have come this far. I'm almost twenty-one years old. What do I have to say for the years I've spent on this earth? Am I any closer to who I want to be?

It doesn't take much to just do it. Just do it. Get up and do something.

Life begins 4.26.2010. The start of the rest of your life.

Stop depending on your mom and stop depending on your girlfriend and just depend on yourself.

Depend on Tiffany. Teezy Jai. Sunshine. Tee. Depend on yourself.

I Hate...

This time.

This moment.

This day.

This job.

This school.

This major.

This stress.

Myself.


I'm patiently waiting for Friday. For our new place. For everything to just fucking come together. I'm hoping that it will. I'm praying that it fucking will and that all of these negative feelings will go away.

I feel so angry and stressed right now. So fucking depressed. And I can't fucking write and its killing me, damn it. If I can't write, then what the fuck can I do?

First I have to get done with these taxes. Then the FASFA. Then this apartment stuff. Then all this money stuff. Then school money I owe. Then this play. This paper. This exam and that exame. This stupid fucking sitation. My cell bill. My car insurance. Gas. Apartment crap. Furniture crap. Moving crap. School crap. Writing crap.

I'm just so fucking sick of dealing with it all. All of this fucking stress. I hate it. I'm sick of it.

I just want to rest. When can I fucking rest. Even this relationship is stressing me out.

I hate this fucking shit.

Third Month

So, today is the me and Caitlin's Third Month Anniversary. I really can't believe it. It doesn't feel like it at all. For so long I couldn't even make it to two months, but here I am at three, with her. I'm going to be so amazed for the rest of my life, that I have such a wonderful girlfriend. I really fucked up the other day. I cheated. God, I've never cheated on anyone before in my life. It was just one kiss, that I didn't stop, but I still cheated. I really wish it had been on someone who I didn't even care about, but it wasn't. It was on Caitlin. And she forgave me. The entire day, I apologized and cried and cried and apologized, and finally, towards the end of the night she yelled at me and got pissed but that's it. I thought she was never going to speak to me again. But she did. She came in last night, forgave me and... and I couldn't believe it. She said I was wrong and that I hurt her, but that I'm only human and make mistakes. I don't know if I would've been that cool, man. I feel awful, and she still won't kiss me on the lips. But I guess it counted for something that I told her as soon as I could muster up the courage.

I should've never done it. I should have never even been seeing Luckey the way I was... or at all, for the matter. I knew I still have some kind of feelings for her and that it was wrong. I just didn't put an end to her. I liked the attention, and the fact that she's a stud. Everything else about her, I didn't like at all. With Caitlin, I love absolutely everything about her. How could I do that to her. How. How. How could she just forgive me? How. Damn it. I'm so sorry I did this. I'm never doing it again. I am never putting myself in this situation, ever again. I never want to hurt her. I can see she's lost some faith in me. That she's still hurt and betrayed. I have to make this up to her, but I do not have a clue how.

I'm just so fucking sorry. I really hate myself for making such a mistake. Of all the times to do it. I don't care if I was afraid of being committed to someone or afraid that I wasn't living my life. I can't understand why I would be afraid of spending my life with one person, especially if that person is Caitlin. She is the best part of me. Why would I ever want to lose her?

I know I keep saying that I want to be a better person, for me. Well, I'm changing that. I want to be a better girlfriend, for her. Because she deserves someone so much better than me, yet she's deciding to stick with me. To work it out and move on. The least I can do is become someone worthy of her heart. So I will be. For her.

I'm So Sorry

I don't like the person I am when I'm with Luckey. Probably cause I don't like the person Luckey is with everyone else. Life is a joke to her. Everything is a facebook status to tell the world. And that's fine. But I'm not going to be apart of it.

I guess I'm just angry that I made a mistake. That I've been making mistakes for months. Tomorrow is Caitlin and I's three month anniversary. 3 Months, and I spent most of it thinking about another girl. I'm horrible. I don't know how I've been able to live with myself for the last few months. I'm emotionally cheating. And yes I'm fucking saying this and if she reads this, then it just means that I was meant to be caught. Like fuck, I lied to my girlfriend. I told her I was going to be with Dominique and Chrystal, when really I went to go see Luckey. And we laid around in bed. And then she fucked kissing me and I didn't stop her. I kissed her back. It only happened once, but when I saw her again this morning, after doing my essay, she kissed me again and I was too stunned to tell her not to. I had forgot and that reminded me. Like wtf. She knew not to do it again, at least. But I should've never kissed her back the first time but I was so tired. God. I wasn't thinking.

And now I feel like shit. I want to cry but I can't. I don't deserve to. I need to tell her the truth. But then I have to tell her about my lie. And about all my other lies. And I'm afraid she'll never trust me after this. She already suspected that I was cheating with Luckey and I brushed it off. I wasn't cheating, physically. But I told her I missed her. I let her call me baby and crap. Just because I didn't say it back doesn't mean it wasn't wrong. God. I feel so bad. I can't believe what I'm turning into because of a girl I don't even want to be with! Why am I such an idiot? How could I jeapordize my relationship with Caitlin? This whole time I've been saying that I'm so worried about hurting her heart... so why the fuck would I put myself in situations where damaging her heart was 100 percent possible? How could I be so selfish! I'm the kind of person I hate. And I don't deserve her forgiveness. But I'm so afraid of losig her. I don't want her to leave me. Even if we don't end up moving together. I don't want her to leave me, damn it. I don't want her to lose trust in me, when obviously I can't be trusted. But I don't want her to know that.

I can't cross anymore lines. I fucking can't. Laying in bed with her. Sneaking to see her. Lying to my girlfriend. And now a kiss. Who the fuck knows what will happen. I can't lose her. She's become a part of me. And I can't lose her. I don't even want Luckey. I just wanted what Luckey represented... and I don't even want that anymore. Ugh. I just want things with Caitlin to work out. I just want Caitlin. I'm not this person.

I want to tell her so badly, but I can't. I can't risk losing her like this, but if I let this lie go on too long and I do deside to tell her, its only going to make matter worse. God, I need to just man up. And I need to be a better girlfriend. I need to dedicate my heart to this relationship. She's all in and I need to be also. That means that other females can not be anywhere in my heart. Only Caitlin. Because it belongs to her and only her. I'm never doing this again. I'm never doing anything that could hurt her again. I'm so sorry. I don't deserve you. But I'm going to do everything I can to make the rest of our lives together the best for you.

Road Not Taken

I'm supposed to be writing this essay on The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost, but of course I can't concentrate. Its due tomorrow at 10 and of course, I can't come up with shit. And that's my favorite poem. But this Luckey thing is driving my crazy. It should've been over and done with by now. This crap has been going on for weeks. But I don't want to drop her from my life. And I don't want her to drop me. And she doesn't want it either. She keeps saying she wants me. But I'm with Caitlin.

Back in high school, or even when I first started college, I would've died to get a girl like her's attention. She's pretty much everything I want in a girl. She's got the look, the style, the attitude. But she's not in school anymore, she lives with her ex, she can't be trusted and she plays with me so damn much. One moment she wants this. And the next she wants something totally opposite. One moment she's saying how she wants to distance herself from me. And the next she's asking if I want to spend the night. Like what is that? And why am I drawn to her so much?

I have a girlfriend who I work with. We're good together. We have everything planned out and we're trying to get that. With Luckey, I feel like its just physical. And a little psychological, since I can't get over it. I do want her. But me and Caitlin are solid. Even if there weren't a me and Caitlin, me and Luckey wouldn't last long. Maybe a two months. But I don't like that she lives with Jaimie, I don't like that she parties all the damn time. I don't like her friends. It would never work. It would just be a mistake. So, why is it a mistake I'm so willing to make?

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;"

I have two girls I like. I can see how far things with me and Luckey will go. I can see how things will turn out.

"Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,"

But I decided to go with Caitlin, because it was a better choice.

"And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back."

I told Luckey that maybe one day, we could try things. But that I'm with Caitlin now. I doubt that I'll ever be with Luckey though.

"I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

I had two girls I cared about. Two choices in which to choose from. Instead of taking the second, which was what I normally would've done. And it would've taken me to the same places I had already visited. I took the one less traveled by, the one I had never tried before. And that made all the difference. It actually worked out.

How can I not find something to write about with this poem? I'm fucking living it!

I need to stop focusing on Luckey so much. I need to just let her drift from my world. Cause her being in it isn't going to do much of anything, but hold us both back. I guess a part of me is just scared that I might regret it... ha, like I'm not heading down that path already. I just need to put it in words: I think that I might get tired of Caitlin one day and want someone like Luckey but it will be too late. And I'm a little afraid that I'm supposed to have a Luckey stage but I skipped it.

Whatever. What's done is done. I don't live in regret. I make decisions and I live with them. I took the road that would make a difference. Caitlin is the most amazing girl I've ever met and Luckey is an inconsiderate dick. There's nothing to have second thoughts about.

3.9.10.

I need you out, so I'm kicking you out.

How can I expect to make something of myself when I can not even control what is going on around me.

I'm deliberately doing things wrong.

Everything I've ever wanted - I now have. Do not tell me that that is not enough, because I know it is. I'm just being retarded about all of this. I don't know why but I will figure out.

My main goal is to get back on track. And then stay there. I feel so out of it right now that I don't know what's going to happen one moment to the next. I'm fearful of the actions I'm making, hoping that it doesn't come and bite me in the ass. And for what?

I'm not this person. I have never been and I'm not going to turn into it because of anyone. I do things the right way. I go by the book. Questioning myself only leads to mistakes.

Make a decision and stick with it. That feeling you have is temporary. It will go away if you let it. Don't hold on to negative things that will only serve to slow you down.

You have the heart of the girl who is perfect for you. The condition of anyone else heart besides hers is irrelevant. Do not fuck up your dream for someone who doesn't even seem to have one.

Hate That I Feel This Way

I don't know what it is. I spent all weekend with Caitlin, experiencing all that Chicago's crappy ass has to offer and... it was fun. For the most part. There were some annoying parts. And Caitlin was great. She met Nana, Kena, Mari and Raul. And I tried so hard not to think about Luckey. Which worked for the most part. I deleted her number and texts. I figured that if I had nothing to do with her, adding to the fact that Nana didn't have internet so I wouldn't have to get on facebook to message her, that I would be okay. Which I was. My focus was completely on Caitlin. But all this time I'm thinking about the future, the photo we took and how good it would look in the apartment, I was thinking about the immediate future. That once we move out it'll be great, and easy and saving would be easy. Then I think about how that's going to make it easier to get my own place, by myself.

How messed up is that. Yeah, in the next few months I'm thinking about us together. But in the next few years? Two. Five. Ten. It's all about me. Maybe I am just selfish, or maybe I just don't see that far into the future with anyone. One, that only leads to hardship. And two - I don't know what the hell I want for the future. I never picture myself with a fem... at least not at this stage in my life. Whenever I see a stud, God I just want to fuck her. I've never been that way about fems, and especially right now, I don't think that's going to happen.

And Caitlin's a fem. Sometimes I be so horny that I just want to fuck... but we never do. And when she does want to, I don't want to. I mean, I don't know if its the fact that she always wants to do it at night or that she doesn't really know what she's doing or that I'm busy or tired... or because I'm just not interested. But when I see Luckey, no matter how I'm feeling, my body responses to her. Is that because she a stud? Or because I really like her?? I don't know. But when she spends all day on facebook and never texts me, I get upset. I see that she's having a bad day, I want to know what happened... to see her. I always want to see her. I try so hard and I get no where. Is it the thrill of the hunt? I know I wanted Caitlin the more I thought she wanted someone else. Is it going to be the same with Luckey??

And then... what the hell am I doing. I know I enjoy being single, but once I am single I just want to find a girl to have some fun with. To have sex with and connect with. But I find her and... its not satisfying. I want another girl. A girl that doesn't want me. A girl I hurt. A girl who won't give me the fucking time of day now. And I don't know why. Is it because I have a girlfriend? Cause having a girlfriend means there's no chance? Is it because she no longer trusts me at all and thinks I'm not worth it anymore. Does that mean I don't have a chance and should focus on my girl now. The girl that will work out.

I know I can't break up with Caitlin for Luckey. A part of me believes that me and Caitlin are meant to be. Its just not the right time. Obviously, because I keep responding to another girl. Maybe I just want to have my way with Luckey and once that's over, I want to settle down with Caitlin. But... that can't be a good attitude to have. It's definitely not. I want to just use Luckey and maybe she realizes that. God. That's horrible.

God. I want both of them but I can't have one. Not have both and still consider myself a good person. I want to be a good person. I want to do the right thing, always. But if my heart isn't in it, then what does that mean?

I want Caitlin. Logically we make sense. She can better my life. I know it. And sooner or later I can afford to stand on my own two feet, cause I really can't right now. And with Caitlin I will be motivated to. Luckey... I like her style. I want her body. She's sexy to me because she's a stud. My body responses totally different to her than it does Caitlin because I am more attracted to studs. And I am attracted to people I think I can't have.

But maybe I really can't have Luckey. I've tried, more than I really should've. Even besides that girlfriend thing, I would've never tried so hard with a girl I didn't believe wanted me in any way. But I have with Luckey. Bitch won't even text me back - not sure what the hell I did to piss her off. On Thursday, I texted her, trying to learn a little bit more about her. Then I called her, and she said she had something to do but would call back. Never did. I called the next day, never got an answer. I called today. Never got an answer. I sent her a messsage saying I lost her number on facebook and to text me. I got nothing. But she could put a status. I'm trying one last time, just for some kind of friendship, so I sent her a message on downelink. I doubt I'll get shit back but I tried, anyway. For what? I don't know. Maybe because I'm stupid and want to sabbatoge something with a great girl.

Maybe I just need to leave this chick alone, for good. Even if she does text me or message me back or whatever... her interest would probably only last for a few weeks. Maybe less this time. And then I'd be stuck all alone again. All for a few weeks of fun, instead of a lifetime with a wonderful girl who could bring a lot more than fun. Maybe if I would just stop focusing on this other girl, I could be happy with my own.

Man. I can't do this to Luckey. I can't use her. But I can't care about her either because she can so easily drop me. I don't trust her. I can't. But I feel like I can't not have her in my life. But that's what she wants. Just like with Chae. She doesn't want me. I have to let her go if that's what she wants. I wish I knew what she wanted. I wish she could just tell me. Maybe that's a reason why I don't trust her. She said she wanted to be friends... but she won't give me the time of day. Or maybe she didn't. Maybe I decided we should be and she just went along with it. But now she's tired of it. She says she tired of being single and just wants someone to be with... and I really can't give her that because - I don't trust her and she's not offering what I want right now. A girl like Caitlin. So maybe we're destined to drift so far apart that the idea of texting her is just ridiculous, like it it with Chae, and Demetria and everyone else in my world, really. God. I want to let her go. I want her to tell me that that's what she wants and then I want to do it.

Time

I wonder; am I more worried about being with someone for more than two months or do I really want this thing to work? I think maybe I'm just afraid. We've were talking for months before we actually made it official, but I'm not sure that counts for much. We were both talking to other people, as well. We didn't make it exclusive until November and didn't make it official until December. Then again, its almost February. Its almost been two months. Once March hits, I think my fears will subside and I'll feel more at ease with this relationship.

I'm afraid, however, that I will be extremely uptight until February 25th comes around. And I don't even want that date to come up, because by then I will have had papers due and exams taken. lol. Maybe that will make 2/25 come a lot quicker. I mean, February is next week. Like... 3 days away. I think I can do this. I think I can relax enough not to mess this up.

I don't know how us always spending time together is going to effect everything, though. When I miss her, I'm not sure if its because we spend so much time together and I miss not having her around or because I geniuely miss her presence. These days, it seems like we don't have seperate lives. We never spend a night alone. Sometimes in different places, but always in the same house. It worries me. I know I can be alone, I like to be sometimes, but I know she doesn't. I hate to think of her alone. And that's another thing. Am I only with her because I dn't want her to be alone? She once said that if it weren't for me, she'd move because she has nothing else left here. Am I only with her because we make sense? She's willing to let me live with her, only paying cable and internet - if I want those things - while she pays everything else.

Maybe things will be different once she moves out. Cause I don't feel at home at her place. I don't feel at home at my own place, but at least here I have my things that make it tolerable. But at the place she currently lives, I feel completely unwelcomed. She does, too. Maybe that's why things feel awfully out of place over there, because of that damn bitch. So maybe I will feel better about things completely. All of this complies with time.

So, I guess in a couple months, we'll see.