Update

How should I ask Caitlin to be my girlfriend?? I have no idea. I want it to be something special, so I'm thinking about doing something interesting on Christmas... since she said she always wanted something to ask her out on a holiday. I hate that its Christmas... since its at the end of the year. Which mean, next year, our one year will be Christmas, but if that's what she wants then that's what I want to give her. lol. Wow - I guess I do sound like a pleaser. Kind of. Just because I want to make HER happy doesn't mean I'm a pleaser! I don't just do this for anyone. But Caitlin... I guess it would be lame to say she's special but she really is. There is just something about her.

So, I need to come up with something extra awesome. But I have no idea what that is and Christmas is like ten days away. I really need to learn to stop doing things last minute. No wonder why she gets so frustrated.

Man, I miss her. I think I may be becoming a little too dependent on her presence. All I ever want is to be near Caitlin... which means I'm not getting necessary stuff done. Uh. Like school... I have two test due today and one on Wednesday, but what am I doing? Watching Naruto because it keeps my mind off of how much I miss Caitlin. Jeez, Tee. Need to get this shit together. This is probably why my relationships don't last very long. I lose focus so easily.

So. My resolution for this relationship is to stay focused on the things that matter.

Fearless

The only way to concure fear, is to embrace it. But that simple act seems to be the most difficult. Fear is one of the most powerful emotions. Its hold on us is so strong than it can last forever. Even the strongest person in the world has fear. So, not matter how strong of an individual you become, there will always, always be fear.

So, what then, do we do with this emotion? Even the idea of going against fear is frightening. As long as you allow fear to control you, then you will forever be on the safe side of life. And the moment you step away from it, you are so suspectable to the harmful things around you.

To open your heart to something - has to be the most frightening of things. Cause as long as its closed off, you're safe. And the moment its open, all the bad things that can harm you can happen. I guess that's the thing. Just because it can hurt you, does mean that it will. And as long as you keep it closed off - safe from all the harm, you also keep it closed off from all the good.

So then fear comes into play once again. Cause if you're willing to open your heart for someone, now comes the task of trusting that person to keep your fragile heart safe from all the things you were afraid of in the first place. No longer can you safeguard your heart, because now you have theirs to protect. The main priority is no longer yourself - but the girl who made you want to try opening up your heart in the first place is what matters now. Cause its not just about you anymore. Its about her. And while you're busy keeping her heart safe, you just have to trust that she will keep yours safe, because all you want is for her to be happy and secure.

Is that the essence of being fearless?

Done With It

This is supposed to be about my "Fearless Heart" but I've never been fearless when it comes to my heart. I think I sometimes leave it open for the world to see and today I was feeling like it was bleeding. I think I just got lonely. I go to work and spend a few hours with some friendly people and then I'm off and... I'm alone. Not one of my so-called friends decided to text me back. Which is just fine and dandy. They owe me nothing. Neither of them have any obligations to talk to me. It was just like wow, okay. I just realized that I really have no one I can count on. And I shouldn't be trying to count on anyone. That's my problem.

I get lonely and I let it get the best of me. That's why I've been seeing Caitlin so damn much lately. Why I even began talking to Luckey in the first place. We are both just using each other in hopes of feeling less lonely. She's not the girl I want to be with. And I know I'm not the girl she wants to be with. She just wants me to be the girl she wants... but I'm definitely not. And I'm pretty sick of being used. Whenever she's lonely like this, I just jump up and head over there. Which I don't even know why, since we I do see her its... basically nothing. Its nothing like when I go to see Caitlin. Its not even like when I go see Demetria. I don't feel wanted there at all. When I get there, I'm constantly questioning why I'm even there.

I just know that I need to get my shit together. Its almost 2010. Do I want to enter into a new year with all this shit? I stopped working out. I haven't saved any money. I can't remember the last time I actually studied. I don't write. Don't play my PS2 or watch One Tree Hill. All I do is work, shop and go see these girls. These highs and lows of my depression are becoming uncontrollable so I need to make it managable. My character has gotten so weak... I've gotten so weak. I don't know why I can't get it through my head that dependability is what's destroying me.

Fucking For Real

What the fuck is up with you thinking that I have to always admit shit when you ask a damn question? What is up with me always trying to please you despite how pissed you make me? How much you hurt my fucking feelings like its nothing. Okay, I really get it. I do. So, why does it feel like you're constantly pouring salt on my damn wounds every time you hurt me? Can't you just hurt me and then leave me the fuck alone? What is so hard about that?

God, I understand why your friend never wants to talk. You don't give people a chance to get over things. You just keep on pushing and pushing and then get upset when you don't get what you want. Sorry. I can't ALWAYS please you. Sometimes I need to do things for me, too. Cause you definitely aren't too worried about me. So I have to be.

Ugh. I'm just so pissed right now. Fine, I get it. I'm unwanted and get to be secluded from the group. Thanks for making that known. Now, can I be left the hell alone for a little bit? Stop trying to make me fucking talk all the fucking time. I already don't like to do it. I try to make you happy and because it does help improve my character. But Jeez. Can you just leave it alone for now?

How the hell are you going to one - tell me you're with some girl that likes you. Two - say you're having a movie night with her. Three - saying its the movie night I was not invited to. And four - fucking ask me if I'm mad about it. NO THE FUCK I'M NOT NOW LEAVE ME ALONE. Let me find some way to enjoy the rest of my Sunday. But no, you can't do that, can you? You have to call after I did not decide to text you back and ask me if I was upset. You fucking know I am. You fucking know I don't want to talk about it, so why ask? Why get upset that I don't want to? I sure hope you did not expect me to stop you when you said you were going to sleep cause damn, I do have some pride. I put it aside a lot for you, but trust me, it has not gone anyway. So why don't you just leave me and my pride alone for a little while until we're no longer pissed the hell off at you and your little group. Is that so much to fucking ask?

I swear, I just don't get people sometimes. Like fucking seriously?

Affected

So, I think this Caitlin thing is finally starting to affect me.

I was thinking about her last night. She was the first person I thought of today. And I have been irritated all day.

I keep thinking that this crap is harder than I thought it would be. What I'm going to do once we can talk again. And how I just want to say fuck it and send her a text.

But I can't. I said two weeks and I need to stand by my decision. Even if I have this big ass fear that our time apart is just making her more connected to other people. And making her less connected with me.

I don't know. I can't worry about it. If it was meant for her to be more connected with someone else, then two measly little weeks is not going to make a difference. If she likes me like she says, then I should be okay. Still, I worry. Not everyone is like me. Maybe her feelings for me aren't... strong, at all.

Wish I just knew now.

Only time will tell.

Two Weeks

We're going to meet back in two weeks and reconvene.

We're going to take a break and figure how it all went wrong.

And in that two weeks we're going to see if we can go longer than that.

We're going to use that time to strengthen all of our weaknesses.

And if we're still weak when this is over, then we'll just continue until we're at the place we need to be.

This time is for us.

Lets get it together and put things back in perspective.

Focus

I asked her to write me a poem. And she did.

Now I'm confused and worried and enlightened.

Everything with her is new. From the way my feelings for her have started and developed to the way I respond to how she makes me feel.

We talk and she tells me things and expects me to tell her things. But I can't. I don't know how. I want to figure it out but I don't know where to start. I want to ask her but that would be a sign of weakness. It might give her reason to believe that what she thinks is true all along.

In Forecast - the poem she wrote - she basically said that she's unsure about me. Later, she admitted that she doesn't trust me. When did I ever give her reason to? I hit on Demetria... There was always that spark of uncertainty and I just lit the damn flames and now I have no idea how to control the inferno. But I'm not a coward, I'm just a little afraid.

I think I need to stop seeing others girls. I think I need to make Caitlin my main focus, whether I'm her main focus now or not. I think that would be one step towards where I want us to be. But I'm afraid that I'll be left alone if I do that. I'm afraid I'll stop seeing everyone and Caitlin will decide that me and her aren't right for one another. And then I'll be alone.

But why am I so afraid of being alone?

A part of me just wants to tell her something without actually doing it but that's counterproductive, isn't it? Then I'd be doing exactly she says I do... what she's afraid I'll always do - saying one thing yet doing another. Lying. Being the person she's so afraid I might turn out to be.

But I don't want to be that person. I want to be the person that can make her happy. That can help wash away all of the doubts and fears she has about... everything. I want to be the person that makes her life better.

Do I have what it takes to be the person I want to be or am I just destined to fail?

I don't even know.

So, its just like impossible for me to be happy right? I always have to care about the other people affected by my actions, hoping that they will be happy but I just don't give a shit about my happiness do I?

Why in the hell should I care if she's affected my something I'm doing? She had her chance man. She said nothing. There was ample opportunies to do something or say something and she didn't. That opportunity is gone so she should just suck that shit up and move the hell on. She obviously doesn't care all that much.

I finally feel like I know what I want and I feel like I can't have it. Like... its just not possible. Like this is going to be yet another thing I have to give up for someone elses happiness. So she can be okay.

Would it be weak to admit that Yes, I wouldn't mind being happy for once. To have someone who fits. Who cares. Who makes me laugh and not feel like I'm a big ass loser. Someone whose happiness I actually care about. Someone I can actually see myself being interested in for more than a month or two.

I don't want to be the bad person hear. I don't want to make anyone unhappy or ruin anyone's friendship. But yes, dammit, I'm angry. You should've said something before my feelings every developed into what they are now.

And now I feel like things are going to change. That maybe she might care more about her friend's feelings than mine and decide that we are better off as just friends. I really don't want that.

I want the girl I want. I'm willing to wait for it. To work for it. Cause she is what I really, really. But what if all the effort and time and feelings I put into this isn't enough? Just because someone isn't comfortable with it. Like its that big of a problem? She acts as if she were in love with me and now that I'm talking to her friend that its all coming out. When I know for damn sure she was never that into me or else she would've said something... She may have a fear of rejection but she is also open... or at least she was.

Man. I like who I like and I don't want to change that. Not for anyone. How I see it is She has the girl she's talking to and interested in and I have the girl I'm interested in and want to be with. I'm sorry if that makes things a little uncomfortable but we're both adults here. Its something she can deal with. Its not as if there was anything ever that deep between us in the first place.

Jumbledness.

Man... that girl. She drives me crazy. I can't do everything in order to please her.

But why do I feel like I do? I feel like everything I do should be effing perfect and when its not - which it never is - I feel like I just made the biggest mistake ever.

Man. I miss her. She, Heather, Demetria and Angele went to Club 15 and I decided not to go cause I didn't have an outfit since I just found out last night when I went to go see Caitlin at the mall. I was over there earlier and I got to see them all get ready and what not.

Caitlin is so beautiful. And hot and sexy. It sucks not being able to touch her when I'm with her. Sometimes it feels like I can't even look at her. Especially around Demetria.

Ugh. I feel like my life is completely off track right now. All the stress is focused on this one week. I'm determined to come out of it successful. There's no way I'm going to let this crazy shit beat me. Especially now.

I'm Teezy Jai.

I can do whatever I want.

Insecure.

I found out that she doesn't even want a relationship to next semester.

What does that mean for me?

I kind of feel like I should just sit back and chill until then. Cause until that time I don't even have a chance.

Cept - there is no gaurantee that she'll even want to be with me once she gets to the point where she wants a relationship so I feel like I should keep other girls around just in case she isn't the girl I'll end up with. That way I won't be completely alone. Which sounds pathetic to me.

Ugh. I don't even know.

She hangs out with other girls so that she doesn't get attached to any particular person. This is all strategic and thought out. How stupid is that? These sort of things shouldn't be rationalize. The heart isn't rational. It doesn't map out a plan to embark on a relationship.

I mean, I do accept that this is what she wants and I'm trying to be respectful. I'm trying to be patient. But sometimes she says things that makes me think "Why the fuck am I even wasting my time?"

Am I wasting mt time? My heart wants her but I don't know what the fuck my brain is thinking. I think that maybe my brain is thinking that I need to chill.

A relationship right now is not a good idea. But a part of me wants one because its been so damn long since the last time I really had one. My last real girlfriend was Heather. The last person I was monogymous with was Chae. I don't know what I should be striving for here.

Maybe I am just being impatient. I just wish I knew for sure that things with us were going to happen. Then I would feel better about things. If I knew that she at least planned on dating me. Then I would probably feel better.

But right now. I don't feel better. If feel like my friendship with Demetria is going to ruin things with Caitlin but me and Caitlin might not even end up forming a relationship to see if we can work out so why should I cool my friendship with Demetria for a girl who might not even want me? At least I know Demetria wants to be my friend. I know she's not going to stop being friends with me simply because Caitlin is insecure about it... so why should I even consider the fact? That's not right. That goes against my beliefs.

What is wrong with me. There is no way I'm going to sacrifice one thing for another and she has to deal with that. However. I don't want her to be all upset and I don't want her to stop consdering me as a possibility because of it.

And what is wrong with me? Why would I want someone who has me like on a list? She doesn't think twice about putting other girls before me. She might not even want to be with me but she likes the way she feels when we're together and the things I do for her. Maybe she is just using me and I'm letting her. Maybe I'm letting her play me. Maybe I'm fucking stupid and need to get a grip. Maybe I need to stop playing by her rules and play my own game.

Or maybe I just need to chill on all of this and be by myself until I'm no longer this insecure anymore.

Angry.

I'm angry and jealous and irrationally pissed. You're not mine. Will probably never be. But I don't like thinking of you belonging to someone else. Of you sharing yourself with someone else.

I want to be the person you tell your secrets and dreams to. I want to be the person that have the ability to put a smile on your face. I want to be yours and have the world know that you're mine.

I don't want to be insecure.

I just want things to be easy. Why do they have to be so difficult? Why can't you just realize how things are supposed to be instead of making shit so fucking hard.

Its making me sad now. Ugh. This is never going to happen. I just want to yell at you and tell you how stupid you're being. There's a way things are supposed to be and you're just going against it. Like you're against us being happy together.

I don't know how to stop being angry. I don't even know why I'm angry.

So what if I'm alone. I've never thought that was a bad thing. So what if I don't have someone who cares about me in a special way. So what if the only person I'm living for is myself. So what if I can't have the girl that makes me crazy and happy and jealous and excited and so much more all at the same time. If I can't even explain why I want her then why the fuck do I want her? Why should I have her.

UGH. I don't even know what I'm talking about now. This has to be the period thing happening and I have way too many negative feelings going on in side me to control the depression. Now I'm all sad when I knew this was going to happen. I just didn't want to believe it would.

Right. You'll get over it. The sun will still rise tomorrow and you still have class and work all day. Nothing is going to change because of how you're feeling now so just put it aside and forget. Who cares if you don't get to be happy like everyone else.

Confused.

I don't know when it happened but now I don't ever want to be apart from you.

I know - I'm not ready for a hardcore, serious relationship. But I want to build one. I want to build it with you.

Thinking of us not being together scares me.

I want to open up. I want to tell you thinks. I don't want you to reject me or judge you. I don't want to push you away.

I don't know how to pull you closer.

I get nervous trying to be the person I want to be.

But not being her is making things worse.

I don't know how to be open. I want to try.

I don't know hot to be honest. I want to learn.

I want to tell you everything. But I think you won't believe me.

If I can't get you to believe the small things how can I get you to believe the big things?

Actions speak louder than words. I'm afraid my actions will be too much. I'm afraid you'll think I'm pushing and decide I'm not right.

I'm afraid that you won't like the me you see.

I'm afraid I'm not enough.

I'm afraid my fears will be too much.

I'm afraid you'll reject all the parts of me so I only offer up the small ones.

I want to change.

I want you to realize I'm changing.

I want you to like the changes.

Moments

Waking up to a Good Morning text.

Waking up next to you.

You waking me up - Just because you want to.

Being called Sunshine.

Seeing you smile.

Making you smile.

Seeing you laugh - Even when its at me.

Putting my arms around you.

Being pulled closer.

Looking at you. Looking at me.

Being with you.

Having you in my life.

Knowing you're beautiful - Even though I can't say it aloud.