I Don't Know

I don't know what to do. Things have gotten so fucked up. No. I fucked things up so badly, driving and driving and thinking its okay. I know its not okay. I'm always preaching about being a good person and making the right decisions and then I turn around and make one of the worst decisions of my life. And now I'm paying for it.

I don't know what I should do about this. With just my lawyer fees, its going to cost me $3500. 1000 of which is already gone. I'm really hoping to just save up the money I will be getting so that when they tell me what my fines and court fees will be that I won't be completely struggling the awy I was the first time I had shit like this to pay for.

I'm so afraid of being that person again. Of being the person I was when I was with Caitlin. The poor person who couldn't afford to even buy food for herself let alone pay for rent and utilities and gas for the car and... anything. I already feel broke and poor and worthliness not being any to afford a car. Or a TV. Or anything I wanted.

And I got so close and lost it so easily.

What do I do??

My mother is struggling so badly. She is borrowing money from her evil bitch sister and her evil ex boyfriend and who knows what else she is doing for money. I want to help. I really want to help. I really want to give her what she needs but I don't trust her. I don't know if she is going to put it towards her bills or drink it away with Hennessy.

I don't know what do to.

I don't know how to make the right decision on what to do.

What I Want

I think I'm going a little crazy here. I dunno. It has been about six months since the last time I was in a relationship and I tried the bull shit crap with Jenn that didn't work and I think it really got my thinking that I want to be in another relationship. I didn't think I did. When me and Caitlin broke up I figured it was because I didn't want to be in a relationship at all. But I see now that its just because I didn't want to be in a relationship with her. I wasn't attracted to her... She didn't move me. Or even turn me on the way I want my partner to turn me on.

I figured out that I need to be with someone that is either tomboy. Or very secure in their sexuality so that I don't always have to worry about them. You know. Someone who is confident about who they are and what they want.

I do want friends. I want people who I can hang out with. Who will care as much as I care about this. Who will come to my rescue if I need it and ask me for help when they need it. People who it will be okay to be around, you know? Cause I don't have that. I have friends. I have Morgan, Okazaki, Kyla, Newman, Nana. Good people who I can honestly say I love and would do almost anything for but they are literally scattered across the world. Even though, real soon, Newman and Kyla will be in the same fucking place but I'm in Washington.

I just want to be... I dunno. I don't want to be completely alone anymore. I want a group of friends I can hang out with. I want to be able to go out with them and hangs with them at their places or my place or a random place. Play video games. Watch movies. Have drinks. Coffee... just a group of people that care. Is that weird?

And... I've come to realize... that I do want to date someone. It doesn't have to turn into a relationship but someone to spend time with. Someone to go out on dates with. Someone to spend time alone with. Its just driving me a little crazy that I don't have that. And like I said, it doesn't have to turn into a relationship. It could turn into a really good friendship.

But I think I'm going to need a car for all of this to happen. I do want to start hanging out with people. And I know that not everyone wants to go through the effort of fucking coming on base to see me. Fuck. I don't know. I like hanging out with Candis but... yeah... I don't think she's all that interested in being my good friend. I really have no idea what she wants from our friendship. And then there is Bree... completely fucking weird situation there. And then Lydia, who I think could be a cool friend. Oh and then Sophie... no real hope for that one but she really seems to like me. Really think she wants a relationship with me but yeah... not at all interested.

So. I guess figuring out what I want in the first step. Car. TV. Internet. Wii... super expensive shit but yeah... gonna be super bored and super necessary. I wonder if I'm going to be happy once I finally get these things. Or if I'm just going to come up with more stupid shit I need. Clothes. Shoes. Hats. Smallville. The L Word. Things that might help me fake happiness.

So. We'll see how this goes.

Direction

I don't know what I'm doing and no one really seems to understan that besides Okazaki. I'm not okay and I'm trying really hard to figure out how to be! I don't make the best decisions. I fuck up a lot and no one ever knows because I hide it so well but dude... I'm kind of like drowning here. I need some freaking help here. And everyone is taking it as if... I don't even know.

I've just been trying to explain to Kelly that I can't do this with her right now. Shit, I've been trying. And today I decided to tell her the truth and she said I was just throwing it in her face. But dude... its the damn truth. I can't be with someone like her. It sounds super fucked up and I acknowledge that... but I can't be with somene like her. She doesn't have her degree. She just now got a job after months of having nothing and depending on her dad. She lives with her dad, her family and friends smoke and drink their problems and lives away and I just don't see her trying to get out of it. Maybe she is but I don't see it and I never will cause guess what... we're in freaking different states.

I can not get wrapped up in a girl like her. I'm just going to end up thinking that that life is okay for me and that is not okay for me. I've finally pulled myself out that funk and I can't go back. And she doesn't understand.

I'm trying to be different. I'm trying to change. I can not freaking go back, dude. Maybe if she lived on her own or was in college or...  Something farther than a high school student but she's not. She doesn't even have a car. Unfortunately, we're not on the same level and I can't go back one.

I don't want to think I'm better. I don't want to think I'm doing more than her... but... I just need someone a little more like me. Someone who's future I'm not so unsure of. Someone who is going in my direction.

No Way Out

I am so depressed right now. Its like I can see the darkness. And I can see myself being pulled farther and farther into it. And I just can not pull myself out of it.

It is so fucking bad right now. I feel lost and broken and desperate and alone and... hopeless. Like. I don't see a way out of this. I dont see a way out.

Maybe this is just my exhaustion that is making this more than it is. I know being hungry or tired makes these feelings ten times worse and right now I am so damn tired.

But I feel lost. I want so many things and once I get these things... guess what... they're not going to change anything. Instead of having absolutely nothing, I'll have an expensive car that I have nowhere to drive to in. Microsoft Word to write about characters I'm too depressed to write about. I'll have an expensive flat screen TV to watch expensive cable that has nothing on. Dvds and Blu-rays that I've seen a thousand fucking times. Internet to talk to people on facebook that I only depress. I'll have a surround system to listen to all of that nothingness. A GPS to go nowhere... A Wii I won't want to play by myself.

I'm sick of this! I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of having no one. All the people I do get a little close to just keep getting farther and farther away. I'm sick of playing games. I sick of them being necessary. I'm sick of tackling life alone. I'm sick of not being able to trust people. I'm sick of getting stepped out and used. I'm sick of having to deal with scarred individuals. I'm sick of liars. I'm sick of fake people. I'm sick of broken fucking people who are not ready to get over being broken but like to pretend they are and bring people down in the process.

I'm sick of being a good person and caring and being affected by those people who are only interested in hurting my and bettering themselves. I'm sick of this life. I'm sick of it!

I want out.

Can Broken Hearts Be Mended?

"Monday, December 08, 2008

Currently Greatest Hits Volume 1 By Rascal Flatts see related Story Of My Life When things seem like they're coming together, it's the same moment where everything feels as if it's falling apart. Kelly is leaving. I knew this was coming but that didn't prepare me for the realization. Come Janurary 1st, she will be leaving. And as much as I don't want to admit this, it feels like for good. We should be getting closer together. We should be able to start a relationship that goes beyond friendship... but she's leaving and we can't. Doesn't matter than I can talk to her about anything if I wanted to. Doesn't matter that when I see her my day instantly gets better. Doesn't matter that it feels completely right to have her in my arms. None of that matters. None of that ever fucking matters and I think I'm going out of my fucking mind now. Because I'm losing someone that is so damn important to me once a fucking again. How often do I have to do this, huh? How many times? Should I just stop getting close to people? Because, God fucking damn it, they always leave. Or I leave. But they are never fucking there. God. Never. And I don't know how to handle this. I'm trying to see her as often as possible. Try to spend as much time with her as possible because our time together will be up too damn soon. But it just makes me think about her moving that much more. It just makes me miss her that much more. And makes me think how every day that goes by is just one day less we'll have together. I know. Suck it up, Tee. That's life. Get over it. But I've done this shit before. I never wanted to be with Nana, but she was my best friend and I loved her to death. And I had to leave her. And it has taken me five years to gather up the courage to go and see her. Right now, I should be worrying about getting ready for finals and seeing Nana on the 21st and finally meeting Kena. But I'm not. I'm sitting here, angry and pissed the fuck off that Kelly will be gone in less than a month. It's not right. She has become such a big part of my life. I don't want to let her go. I don't want to see her go. To lose someone else. Yet another person. Will it never end? Ever!? And everytime I see her, I end my nights like this. Upset. Feeling as if I'm losing a part of myself. But I can't stop seeing her. I miss her. Even if she nevers know the extent of my feelings or if I never make a move to show her, they are there and they only get stronger the more I see her and talk to her. Cept, everytime we have to say goodbye... it sucks.  So damn much. And the fact that I have to be the bigger person and tell her to go because it is better for her to leave, it kills me. Jesus, it's tearing me up inside. I don't know what to do to deal with this. Haven't a clue. This isn't helping. It's not getting anything real out. The only thing that I'm starting to realize, is that I'm falling for a girl that will never fall back. That will never even know. Will never understand. I never fucking knew that the best thing for someone I love would be the worse thing for me. I know it's wrong and selfish and weak of me to say this, but I wish I could just tell her to stay. Another love I will never know." I wrote that... about Kelly nearly four years ago. Recently, she's come back into my life and we've been talking and texting and she told me that she wanted to be with me but I chalked up my residual feels for her to the fact that things with Jenn were so chaotic that I needed something to focus my attention on and to get the attention she wasn't giving me to someone else. Now things with me and Jenn are so completely over and maybe I'm rebounding on Kelly... But. I loved Kelly. I was falling in love with her back then and now I don't know what I'm doing. The more we talk, the more I feel. That's definite. But I guess I didn't really think much was going to happen between us because she's all the way in Missouri. But... I guess something she said today... or the way she said it... really struck a cord with me. She had such conviction in her voice when she said that she wanted to be with me and that nothing was going to stand in the way of that. No matter what happens. No matter how long it takes, we're going to end up together. Lol No one's ever told me that before. And now I think I'm just being selfish. Saying we can't be together because of distance. I know I'm saying that because I can't do distance. I need someone that's here and I'm hoping to find someone that's here. And I kind of want that person to be a tomboy though that wouldn't matter with her. If she were here. I would want to be with her no matter what, but she's not here... She says she wants to come here. And if she did, I wouldn't hesitate. Is that being selfish? Waiting. Saying I can't be with her because I get insecure and more depressed with distance? I don't know anymore... Is wanting someone that is here selfish? I've already lost Kelly once. Look how badly I was hurt then. I didn't even realize it. Or maybe I said what I was going to do and just buried it all because it hurt that bad. It hurt so bad that I had to bury it so deep that I can't even remember what it felt like to love her then. And now I feel like I'm just making up excuses. That my desire to need someone that is in close proximity is just an excuse not to let her close again because it hurt so damn much to lose her the first time. Not being able to see her is going to kill me and I know I'm going to flip out about not being able to hug her or kiss her or sleep in her arms or cry on her shoulder... but is that really why I won't just be with her now? What's really holding me back? How do I open up my heart to someone?

Losing

I can't ever remember being this lost before.

I think it has more to do with the fact that I am so utterly alone here.
I have such good friends... in Missouri and Illinois and freaking Hawaii. No one is here for me, though. Maybe I'm just being selfish, wanting them to be in close proximity. But I do! I don't have a single solid thing to rely on here.

I really am trying to maintain myself. I just don't know how. I guess I'm weak. I don't know how to survive on my own. Books. Working out. Movies. DVDs. Facebook. None of that is helping with this soul-draining feeling of loneliness.

I decided it might be a good idea to talk to Morgan about this and she replied with "You need to make friends." Like I haven't been trying! And then I tell her that everyone on base is straight and married with kids, she made it seem like its totally natural because 22 year olds do that. And that I'm not normal cause I'm 22 and don't want that.

Cept I do want that. I just don't want it any type of way. I'm not willing to just throw myself into it without being prepared. I want a family. I want a child. I want a stable environment for that child. But I want a partner that loves me and friends that support me before I try to do all that because you need that to have a successful foundation. I can't just do that to myself or my future child the way my mom and the moms around me have done! I just can't.

So. I don't know what to do. I'm not going to have a baby just so I won't be lonely. I'm not going to settle for someone I don't care about or treats me like crap. All of my friends are hundreds of miles away. My family is hundreds of miles away. I'm utterly alone.

I don't know how to reaffirm my identity. I don't even know who I am anymore.

Limit: Reached.

I'm done being treated like this by this weed head, former fat, loose disgusting skin, not even that attractive, kind of fat, super insecure, never going to get anywhere, female. I Tried. I actually fucking tried.

Its ridiculous. I looked past all the stuff that would be a No-Go for me. Because I liked this shit. I put up with chick I shouldn't have to because its not who I am. I put my feelings aside. I practically begged. I went against my instincts and the advice of my friends and tried so hard and put my feelings out there.

But this girl has been playing with me the entire time, hasn't she? I told her I liked her. I tried so hard not to let her push me away the way she said she might try to do. I let her hurt my fucking feelings and man...

I'm just not doing this shit anymore. I'm done with this bitch. I really am. And right now, I know that it is wrong to be saying bad thngs about a person... no matter who that person is. No matter what that person does, I should always take the high road but I am so hurt right now. Its ridiculous. She just doesn't give a fuck about me and I actually care enough about her to keep trying.

Whether I can or can not deal with this shit anymore... whether I am or am not strong enough to take this bull shit... I am not taking this bull shit anymore.

I can only be pushed so fucking far. And she pushed me straight into "I don't give a fuck," so I don't give a good God damn fuck.

I'm too old to be babying a fucking 29 year old woman. Grow the fuck up.

Reaching That Point...

What's going to lift this cloak of loneliness and despair? I'm so sick of it. My life is not perfect but its on track. I have good friends but they live across the globe. I made good money but never get to spend it... Why does my life suck so much? Joining the Army was supposed to make things better. Instead, I'm just as depressed as I was in Missouri. Except now I have the added stress of working around important people and getting deployed and working long hours and pushing my body past limits with no rest. What am I accomplishing here that I wasn't accomplishing back in Missouri? At least I was in school then... now I'm in debt. At least I had a car there, now I'm like a hobo. At least I knew people there, now I know no one. At least I had something there. Now I have nothing.

I'm so sick of this bull shit. Fuck. I can't take it, god damn it. I am so utterly alone its ridiculous. At least in Arizona I had battles. If it became absolutely too much to handle I had people who I could hang out with to lessen it a bit. Here, I have absolutely no one. And no way of meeting anyone I can relate to. I'm just fucking alone here man.

And now I have Jenn... who was so fucking great at first. She gave me some type of small hope that maybe this place wouldn't be completely terrible. And then she just completely withdrew and said she wanted to be friends and then got all depressed and shit on me. And now I have to prove somehow to her... or show her somehow that I can be a good friend and be there for her but I'm like two seconds away from saying fuck it. She totally lied. She made it seem like she was so put together and stable and happy in life. Turns out, that was a fucking lie and she's ten times worse off than me. She was embracing what was developing between us and then she just yanked away... leaving me so fucking clueless and hurt and now I'm just getting annoyed.

Why can't I just find someone that takes this shit away? It sucks so bad. It feels like I'm bleeding from the inside out all the god damn time.

I've gotta find something that gives my life meaning. Something that gives me a reason to keep fighting cause right now there is absolutely nothing. And that is a scary fucking thought.

Suck At This

Already…

Wow. I’m getting worse at this. My thing with JayCee lasted for like… three weeks? Yep. Three weeks and now that’s completely over. I thought my crap with Caitlin would make me stronger and smarter. I thought I’d be able to do this dating thing but I can’t date people I might actually like. I can’t spend time with them and tell them what I think and let them see who I am and kiss them and feel close to them and have sex with them… because that just ends up going extremely badly.

No. Instead of all that forth right bull shit, I have to date people I’m not attracted to or can’t have a friendship with or can’t hold a meaningful conversation with. I can’t enjoy their company or the feel of them or have anything in common with them. Ever. Cause the second my feelings get involved… even a tiny bit, its destined for disaster.

I have to learn to stop being truthful. Fuck. I have to learn to stop allowing myself to get attached. I don’t care if I think this girl is absolutely amazing and could be “The One,” I’m not doing this shit to myself again. Its all a bad idea. And there will never be the one. There is no girl out there that could ever think that I was good enough to be with. There will never be a girl who thinks I’m worth trusting. Worth knowing. Because I’m not.

So. Putting an end to this shit right now. I’m going to stop seeing JayCee. Delete her from my phone. Ignore everything on Facebook. Eventually delete her. And then… I don’t know. Focus on this Army shit. Learn my job and learn to do it well. Work out and make my PT perfect. Get a car. Figure out school. Save up some money. Find something to do with my life besides wasting it.

Four Day

Thursday has finally come and gone and now I get to spend the weekend with JayCee! I am so excited.

Things with this girl are so insane! I've never been so into a girl before. Not... and actually embrace the feeling instead of embracing it. Cause I've never trusted anyone with these type of feelings before. But JayCee is so different. She's sweet and kind and something about her... her sincerity makes me feel comfortable. I don't see her dumping me later for an ex or only being into me for the sex or something besides the fact that she just likes me. You know what I mean?

She kisses me and it feels genuine. She looks at me and its genuine. And holds my hand or pulls me closer and I think its just because she feels something. Not because she likes the way I look or the way we look together or because she just really wants a girlfriend. I think its because she actually likes me and it feels that way. Its so crazy!

I can't keep my eyes or my hands or my lips off of her. I want her near me all the time. Ugh. Its crazy. I know I shouldn't be this into a person. Its way too fast. But I like the fact that if I was okay with going fast that it would be okay to feel that way. I can trust that if we slow things down and take our time and really get to know each other that she's not going to just disappear or decides she doesn't like me anymore or anything like that.

She's so sincere its crazy! Like. I told her one night that alll I wanted to eat was chocolate chip cookies and that night she made me some and brought them to me! And they're amazingly good. We were at the bar yesterday for karaoke and I was freezing and she gave my her all white, favorite hoodie...and she's a slickler for clothes like me. Trust no one with the clothes! But she game me her and said to hold on to it. Lol. I know that's something small but... I don't know. She makes me feel like a girl one moment and then the next I get to be dominant and its great. I get to be who I am, keeping my butchness completely in tact while not always having to be that dominant one. Its great.

Anyway. Its 12 am I need to get some sleep. She's picking me up in the morning and we're going to sneak away from Post for the weekend. One night we're staying in a hotel somewhere and then we're going to be hanging at her place until Sunday. Can't wait!

Weak Point

JayCee. Oh Jeez. I got on here intially to talk about the newness of Washington and how I finally made it to the barracks I will be staying in yesterday and all this other awesome/ confusing stuff about my Unit. But I got on facebook which led me to looking at JayCee's profile and man. That woman. How can I be so attracted to one woman?

She is gorgeous dude. I think that's what's getting me on her appearance. She's sexy and tomboy and tough looking and I very much enjoy it. But she's absolutely gorgeous, also, and I'm hooked. I want to see her all the time and just be in her presence. Dude... what is happeneing to me.

This is such a weak moment. Meeting a girl and liking a girl and then wanting to be around her all the time. And the kicker... actually admitting that to her. Letting her know just how much she affects me. Yeah - That's the freaking part that gets me. I don't know why I'm so open and honest about how much I like her but I am and... it just makes me want to like her more.

What in the world am I going to do? At this point, I could totally walk away. It would suck, maybe even hurt but I could walk away. Maybe even after sleeping with her, I can walk away. But that Walk Away period isn't going to last very much longer. I'm going to get attached. And then what do I do?

Washington

So far, this place as been a lot of fun. Despite the fact that they stuck me in Reception barracks that can only be compared to prison with the brick white walls and empty... yes empty... beds because apparently people steal linen so you can't have them on your bed or they may get jacked. Ha! Its funny but annoying. Its like a creepy version of BCT cause your bed has like a little cubby hole.

I think Washington would be a lot more fun if I had a car so that's number one of my list! Once I get a car, enjoy Washington will be alot more fun and I can actually go up to Seattle. Bad ass. Once I get my bonus it should be a lot easier. And stop paying Caitlin's bitch ass. Ugh. Wish she would just disappear.

Anyway. So. Somehow in the course of a week I've met a pretty interesting female who has actually caught my attention. Which is crazy, right. Cause Females don't do that. Ever. But with Jenn... aka JayCee which is such a cute name... she has. She's blonde with brown eyes. 29 years old. And just so fascinating. I mean. Yes. Maybe I'm rebounding from Caitlin cause she kind of fucked my world up a bit but JayCee really cool. She sings Karaoke... very fucking well. She's family oriented. From what I can tell her friends love the crap out of her. She's kind and funny and shy and goofy and so freaking cute it should be a crime. And I just don't know...

I just broke up with Caitlin like less than a month ago even though we've actually been broken up for months. At least we've been mentally and emotionally broken up for months and the distance just made it easier. But I think I like JayCee too much. We just met and I already want to spend a shit ton of time with her. And I tried chalking is up to just wanting to spend time with anyone who would give me the time of day but I was with Stacy (another girl I just met who I've been spending time with and who so obviously wants to fuck me) and I still think of JayCee. Then again, JayCee is tomboyish and has a cute style and Stacy is fem... so maybe I'm just more attracted to the tomboy thing and that's what really is reeling me in. So I'm going to test that theory by finding another tomboy to hang out with... Somehow. Not exactly sure how I will find this tomboy but I will!

I WANT it to just be the fact that JayCee is tomboy. And not that fact that she's awesome to talk to and be around. She's super cute when she blushes. She's generous and dependable and likes to have fun. And definitely not the fact that I can sit and listen to her talk and just become more and more intrigued by the second. Cause that's going to get me... it really is. People that fascinate me are my downfall! Chai... Luckey... ugh. The only girls that caught my attention right off the bat and ended up being epic fails. Like. Very epic.

Really. Right now. I just want to get JayCee out of my head. So what if she's a good person. So what if she's really sweet. So what if I'm actually physically attracted to her. Which I haven't been towards anyone is a very long time. Ugh. This is insane. I need to refocus my focus. I can't be wanting to prove to a girl I barely know that not everyone is a freaking jerk and that some folks will actually appreciate her for who she is and not what she can give them.

Oh Jeez. I've lost my mind. This has to be a freaking rebound cause... if its not, I'm in so much trouble. I just freaking met the girl. I'm not suppose to "like" her yet. But its certainly heading that way. I haven't even kissed her yet. I don't even know if its okay to kiss her because when we first met she said she was looking for friends first, dating second.

Man. What the hell is my problem.

Don't Belong

I guess its the time of the month where I feel down on myself and talk about how crappy my life has become. Even though, its really not that bad. Its not perfect. Not yet. I guess its not all that bad. The military has opened up so many doors. I just have to figure out a way to fix all the things I messed up. I was so busy trying to get the fuck out of St. Louis, that I left behind some loose ends.

But like I said, my life really isn't that bad. I think graduation from AIT and moving to Washington in like 22 hours just has me feeling a little depressed. Everyone has their families here and I don't. Everyone is saying goodbye to significant others they've made or reuniting with significant other's they've been away from and I'm not. I have absolutely no one. I have no place to call home.

I guess that's how I wanted it. I like being able to go where ever I want without having to worry about what I'm leaving behind. It makes it a lot easier. But at the same time I wish I had somewhere to call home. Caitlin and all of the lesian drama has ruined St. Louis for me. My mom is in California but I haven't been there in practically 15 years. Chicago... Jesus, I've grown so sick of that place and the only person there is Nana and she has made her own family there. Morgan is staying in Joplin to be with this girl she just met and claimed to love already. Yes... feeling a little resentment about that.

I'm moving to Washington. And the only thing I'm taking with me is a few boxes from home that's full of books and whatnot.

Maybe I'm just sick of this alone feeling. Even though I ruined things with Caitlin. But she wasn't the one for me. She drove me crazy. She wanted to control the wrong parts of me. She claimed to love me but I was never good enough for her. I think I was just like a trophy girlfriend. Something to show to people and be like "Haha, I'm doing better than you are" or something like that. I never felt loved by her. Well taken care of and maybe a little spoiled but that's it. Plus she's so insecure that it depresses me. I was never happy with her. Maybe some of that has to do with the fact that I'm not attracted to her. Like I don't find her... sexy or attractive or appealing in anyway. She was kind of a big turn off for me, actually.

Anyway. What do I want? I want money so that I can do the things I want to do. I want to travel. I want good friends that want to hang out with me and listen to my problems and trust me enough to tell me their secrets. I want a girl who loves life and loves to enjoy it. A girl who will go drinking with me and have a good time without me having to worry too much about them. A girl I find attractive in more ways than one. A girl who has her shit together and wants me for who I am. Not wanting to change me.

I don't know where to go from here. I don't belong and I'm sick of not belonging. I want to belong somewhere. I want to belong to someone. I want someone to want to be with me because they like me for me. Not because they like what they can maybe change me into. Its so heart breaking to realize that the last 2 years of your life was a lie and now you have to find a freaking way to fix it. But you don't have a freaking clue...

Where do I start, I wonder. Where do I go from here?

New Path

Things have kind of been fucked up since I told Morgan I had feelings for her on Thursday. I haven't been calling her as often or talking to her or anything. Hate to say it but maybe I'm a little stung by her rejection. And the fact that she is still talking and hanging out with and caring for Rachael even after every single thing that's happened between them kind of pisses me off. Like okay - you don't like me. Whatever. I will move the hell on. But you're really going to pour everything you have into being... a toy for this girl?

Yet I do all I can for you. Feelings aside, you're my friend and I want the best for you but you don't want the best for yourself? Instead, you want to use me. I feel like I'm going to put a shit ton of time and effort and money into getting Morgan to Washington... and she's just going to crawl back to Joplin for Rachael in the end.

I hate to disappoint people, especially the people in my life - but why am I doing all this? I'm starting to think that maybe I should wait to see how everything goes before I decide to spend all my money on her. Just for her to waste it. Cause she does have a history of wasting my money. And then not giving a damn about it.

If I just knew that Morgan was doing this for a good reason, instead of trying to force Rachael's hand... it would be different. Like I said - I liked her... Liked her... but I will get over that, no sweat. But I can't be used in such a way. I'm better than that.

I know I try to create a path by focusing on females... but that hasn't really worked out for me. Thinking that maybe its time I start down a different path... one that has nothing to do with females or "feelings" that aren't actually real or any of that stuff. When I focus on myself I think I do really good. Its when I focus on females that I get all fucked up. So maybe I just won't do that anymore.

Setting Myself Up

I know I'm setting myself up for failure but god I can not fucking help it. I want what I want - what I've always fucking wanted and it sucks so bad not being able to admit that to anyone or even myself.

I want to be the kind of friend that Morgan needs. I sit back and listen to her talk about Rachael. And I think I've gotten to the point where her talking about other females doesn't bother me on the outside anymore. But on the inside - fuck, it kills me everytime. Like today when she said that Rachael called her and asked how she was doing. And she actually called her back... I tried to be supportive and listen but everytime she mentions that fucking girl is kills me. And she doesn't know it.

I've never really been that good at reading Morgan and maybe that's because we really haven't spent too much time together. But how can that matter? When everytime I speak to her my world gets righted a little bit. And when I don't, everything is just a little bit off. Its gotten to the point where I can't even sleep that well without hearing her voice first.

How can it not be right? I know that's not how she feels or what she wants... but what about how I feel and what I want? I can't find another girl like her because I don't want to freaking find another girl. But I have to, huh? Cause its not at all what she wants and I'm only kidding myself by hoping that one day I will be what she wants. What she wants is Rachael and I'm not Rachael... I'm just her best friend who is always going to be there for her no matter what.

So maybe that's what I need to do. Maybe I just need to focus on being the best friend I can be and stop hoping to be something more. Stop holding on to the hope of her and start figuring out what to do next. Maybe I just can't see it but there has to be a life after her...

What It Is...

I don't know what it is about me that I can never express myself the way I want to. Like with my writing. I come across so many weird writer's blocks and I wish I knew why. I know there is a story I want to tell. That there are charactes I want to bring to life. But when I'm put in front of a piece of paper or a laptop, that story goes away. Or maybe I block it away.

Am I afraid of feeling for my charaters? They are already a big huge part of me. No one knows that and no one needs to know that - but I know that. Why can't I use that to my advantage? What exactly am I afraid of here?

Shane& Alyssa

Throw yourself into your work. Become the very best version of your self. Do all the right things and succeed in life. Be the person you always wanted to be. And once you've accomplished all the things you wanted to accomplish, then you can focus on things like want a girl in your life. Because nothing else matters besides your career and success.

This is what I want the basis of my story with Shane and Alyssa to focus on. I want Shane to think that she wasn't good enough for Alyssa back in high school. So she joins the Army and focuses on nothing but that. And she becomes quite successful. But she's still unhappy and she still can not do more than just a night with a girl. Besides Carmen. Carmen is the only girl she seeks out to have sex with but she can never stick around the next day nor ask or accept anything besides sex.

Now all I need to figure out is - not what fuels Shane's decisions - because that's Alyssa. But what fuels her strengths. Why doe she have the psyche that she has. Is it because of her mom dying so young? Is it the abuse at the hands of her dad?

Okay. Nevermind. I already know this. Its her past as a whole. Her dad abusing her. Her brothers alienating her. Her mom's death. Running away. Finding a place to call home and then losing her and blaming herself. And taking out that guilt on her friendships/ relationships to people - especially Jamie. And then finding someone like Alyssa who makes all the pain and shame and guilt and evil inside of her world go away. And then losing her. And losing herself because of it.

Now she's trying to rebuild herself and her life while trying to let go of and forget about Alyssa. Its not until she sees Alyssa again that she realizes that once again she's been running away from her life, while at the same time trying to become a person that Alyssa could love. Even though, she kind of gave up on that on the surface. Deep down she hasn't but she doesn't know that?

Ugh. Shane is so complicated but I love her to death. She is the only character that I have put all of my effort into creating. I've put more of myself in her character than anyone else.

It's fucking Alyssa who I haven't put enough effort into. I need to dig down deep and figure out what makes her who she is. Her brothers and her father and her nephew. But what about them? What did her brother do? What about her father leaving affected her so much? What about her connection to her nephew makes things so special? And what about Jamie? Why is her connection with Jamie so special?

Harsh Truth

How did it happen that I've become such a horrible person to someone I love? Someone, who is constantly telling me that all she wants is for me to be happy and understood and supported... and all I do is be cruel to her? What the fuck is that about exactly? I know that I don't believe that me and her are supposed to be together. But... because I don't think she's what I want. But do I have to be this way?

Maybe I am being this way because I'm trying to unconsciously justify what Morgan did to me. Which... was the same shit. Maybe I'm trying to avoid the fact that Morgan believes that we aren't supposed to be together. She doesn't have those type of feelings for me. Just becaue I have them for her doesn't mean she has to have them for me. Just because I love her and would support her and will always be there for her... that doesn't mean she has to have that type of love for me back.

Tonight, Caitlin was asking some pretty good questions and I didn't want to answer them. But now that I thinka bout it, those are the same questions I want to ask Morgan that I'm just too afraid to fear because I know what the answers will be. So, I don't ask and I've never asked. Cause if she tells me then all my hope - hope that I didn't even know I was holding on to - just gets crushed. I guess I really don't want to accept the fact that things aren't going to work out the way I want them to because then I will be truly lost. But Caitlin is so much better than me. Even if it meant being lost and having to refigure everything out, she still takes the risk. And I still continue to be an ass about it all and hurt her. And yeah - if I keep on this path, I will lose her completely. But I keep doing it.

Is is so much... is it so bad to have someone like Caitlin in my life? I don't think I'll ever have deep feelings for her the way she wants and I don't know if that's because I'm holding out for Morgan or because she's just not what I want out of a girl. But either way, I shouldn't be treating her as badly as I have been. I just don't know how to explain it all to her. And maybe I don't know how to explain it all to her because I don't understand the other part of myself... the part that wants Morgan. I don't understand why Morgan did me the way she did and its scarred me so much. And I just want her to tell me that I will never have a chance. And I'm afraid of her telling me that I will never have a chance. And I'm afraid of her knowing because I don't want it to fuck up our friendship. I don't want it to change or dictate anything between us.

But fuck. I need to talk about this. I need to understand and know. Even though I know it won't mean anything to her. That she'll be more worried about hurting my feelings than telling me the truth. But fuck. I'm so sick of holding on. I'm so sick of not being able to move on. I just want to be able to move on. And I think I'm getting to the point where I don't care what it means for our friendship in the end. I just want to fucking be released...

So then, I have to talk to her and tell her and deal with the consequence of that. Even though it cares the fuck out of me. Cause her knowing is going to change everything. And maybe she won't want to move with me because she'll think it has more to do with my feelings for her than the fact that I geniunely care about her and want her to get her life on track. Its just all going to be on the fact that "Oh shit, I think Tiff is in love with me" and not on the fact that Tiff really just wants you to be okay in life.

Shit. I don't know how I"m going to do this. I have to though. I know I do. Even though she's dealing with all of her Rachel drama. And all her feelings with that. And I know my admition of feelings isn't going to change her feelings for Rachel. It just may change her feelings for me.

Ugh. How am I going to start this conversation with her? It needs to happen. Soon. Like right now. I need to just man up, call her and fucking get some real answers for once and then maybe I can finally be set free dude. I'm just a chicken shit.

Fuck me, dude. This sucks.

Broken

I feel so broken all of the time. I feel like I'm always going to feel this way. I'm never going to feel whole.

Horrible

I feel like a horrible waste of space right now. My cousin Tanesha... my fucking cousin Tanesha who I have memories of... died this morning. She was the cousin who moved int with us when I was like 5 or something cause her mom couldn't... I don't know, deal with her or something. And she walked me and Tiara to school everyday. Picked us up. Baby sat while my mom got into whatever it is she got into. I remember looking up to her for a while. And then she pissed me off and I didn't really like her that much. And ever since I've gotten older, I could have gotten close to her and never did. Cause I was too busy being a useless waste of space. I was too busy trying to find girls who didn't give a damn about me and make life harder for my mom and sisters. And just being pathetic. And I never paid my cousin any type of attention, even when my mom told me about all her problems with everything and I just blew it off like oh fucking well. Life is tough.

But I didn't have to be that way. I could've facebooked her. I couldn't got her number and texted or called and told her that I would be there if she needed me. Or something along the lines of some encouraging words. Or I could've just called to listen to what was going on with her. Something. But I never fucking did. And she's gone. And I can't fucking believe this.

I guess I'm just so blown away. And I'm so fucking sorry. I'm sorry for her. I'm guessing she didn't want to fucking die. Today. Alone. She was probably scared and in pain and no one should have to go out like that. She didn't even get a chance to fight it. Or to prepare for it. Or say goodbye. Or know that people loved her one last time. She didn't get any of that. She was just alone and no one even know what happened in her last moments. Its forever lost now.

I just... don't want to go out like that. I know its selfish to say that, right now of all times, but I don't want to leave this world alone. I want to make a mark on this world. I want to influence someone. I want to have people love me and I want to love them back with all of my fucking heart. I want to give them everything. I want kids to love and to watch grow up. I want a career that will provide for my family. I want them to never have to suffer. And right now I feel like I'm just fucking wasting my life.

I'm a horrible fucking person. And it took the death of someone close... the death of my cousin to realize how big of a fucking ass I'm being about everything. No. About what big a fucking mistake I'm making with my life.

I need to change. I really need to do things differently. I can't just disappear. And right now, if I died, that's all that would fucking happen.

New Darkness

Life is just sucking so much. I know that I should not rely on another person for my happiness. In fact, I don't even believe in that shit. I think you should be able to make yourself happy. However, what is my philosophy on allowing another person to make you so unhappy? I want out of this relationship. It's just so much.

I know I can't imagine her not being in my life. But isn't that how is always is with all the fucking girls I've dated? I was so "in love" with all of them and the thought of never being able to see or talk to them was so fucking devastating. Except... look at me now? I don't talk to any of my exes. In fact, I don't like any of them really. I guess, there are some I don't flat out dislike... but I don't talk to or associate with any of them. And I'm just fine. Then again, never had a fucking life with any of them either. Still. I think if me and Caitlin broke up, I could rebuild.

What I'm worried about... is her. I don't know if she'll be okay without me. And I think tha's the deciding factor. The Guilt of leaving her hanging and breaking her heart after a year and a half of a relationship. Then again, half of that time was spent fighting.

I don't know what I'm searching for. I don't know what I'm waiting for. I don't know what I'm hoping for. I just know that I'm nearing my limit before I reach that fucking breaking point.

I know I want friends. I know I want to hang out with people who actually care and give a damn. I want people with shared interest. People to go to the movies with and drink with and hang out with and workout with. People who want to hang out with me.

I just hope something changes soon. That things somehow get better for me... cause right now, all I see is endless darkness and despair. And it sucks. I don't want to be this way. I want to fucking enjoy what this life has to offer. Especially now that I'm in the fucking military. Instead, I'm so fucking unhappy its pathetic.

Start Over

Time for me to grow up. Time for me to stop being what I am... and change.

Tonight is my last night in this apartment. Probably my last night with Caitlin. And I need to grow up.

It's time for a change. Its time for me to start over. Basic training in two days. And after that, I graduate and head to AIT. And after that, I go home, pack up and go to... wherever the hell it is I get stationed.

So I think today is as good a day as any to leave the past behind and look forward to the future. I have a good girlfriend and whether we're meant to be together... I'm not sure. But I don't want to sabatoge things. If we don't work, then we don't work but I don't want it to be because I'm causing us not to work. Cause I'm being self-destructive.

I'm starting with the Army. I'm leaving to become a better person. To change from civilian to soldier. Maybe next I should try getting over Morgan. I think 3 months away from her, without direct contact, will help do that. And hopefully Morgan and Rachael will work out there crap and Morgan can actually be happy. Because some people actually do deserve happiness.

And I can work on making my own girl happy. I know I say that she's a big reason why I'm not, but I think that the other factors add on to it more than she does. I love her. We work so well together. And she does make me happy. But if I wasn't so unhappy about work and school and money and cars... then maybe I wouldn't take out my frustration on her. And then maybe we would work better.

So my goal is to get back on track. Completely. I need to fix things. And I need to fix things with my girlfriend.

Job. Money. Car. Place to live. Girlfriend.

Key components of my happiness.

Now all I have to do is achieve them.

Nonsense

I think I'm going crazy. I think it's just the fact that I'm going to be in Joplin soon, like leaving Monday night soon, but I'm really losing my mind. I'm really allowing my feelings for her to just resurface. God. Why does that always happen when I'm about to see her? Maybe its excitment but I really think it's just my dumb ass being fucking dumb again. I don't know how many times this girl can reject me before I finally fucking get the hint but every time I get the chance to see her, I get irrational.

It's no wonder she dumped me the first time. And never wanted to date me again. I'm too intense. And I'm so intensed about her that when I don't talk to her for a while, it just gets all buried but it never comes out with other girls.

I love Caitlin. Me and her are pretty perfect together. We work very well together, in almost every aspect of our lives. But I'm not passionate about her. I never want to just rip her clothes off and do her wherever we are. I love being with her, talking to her, touching her but there's really no heat. And I think its because I'm holding it all in because of Morgan.

Some part... a big part... of me always believed that me and her would end up together. And that is obviously not on her list of things to happen. I mean, she doesn't even really know and I never want to tell her because I'm always dating someone or she is... and because she's rejected me so many times that it's... awful thinking of trying with her again. I even tried kissing her once a few years ago and I really don't think she liked that at all. Even though my brain replays the moment over and over again sometimes, trying to find something in her reaction that wasn't rejection but in the end I really have no idea.

I want to believe that she likes me but doesn't think I'll be around. I like to have that romantic idea in my head that deep down she believes it too but can't admit it to herself until I admit it to her first. I want to believe that she wants me to be her end result the way I want her to be mine sometimes... but... I really don't.

But when we talk all the time... And ONCE out of a million texts she calls me hon, I feel the way I did the first time I met her. But its other girls that don't deserve her. And me... getting with girls I don't deserve and its all just fucked up. And I'm fucked up. About it all.

I just can't wait to get to Joplin, see her and then get back so I can forget her again for the next year or whatever it will be before we talk again and whatever it is we do.

I just hate how fucking insane and pathetic I can get when it comes to her. I would do long distance for her. I'd waste hundreds of dollars to go and see her every other week or even every week. I would move to Joplin to go to MSSU just to be near her. I'd get stationed near her. I'd want her to move wherever I got stationed. I'd want to start a family. I'd want to make it work. I'd want to change my world and ask her to change hers. I'd do so much...

And I don't even know why. The Morgan I fell for years ago isn't there anymore. She's a totally different person and I rarely even know this new her. Still, she drives me wild sometimes. The old Morgan that I like hasn't really gone... I just don't know her anymore.

God. I'm so fucked up. I don't even know anymore. Its ridiculous how crazy I get when it comes to her and no one else. I wish I could get it under control. I wish I could change it. Things would be so different if I could. Maybe she would even notice me then.

I need to stop this. I'm in a loving relationship. Things are finally going to change and get better. Big things are in the works. Morgan is hung up over this crazy girl and needs to get over her and once she does she'll either get back with her, get back with crazy Joy or find someone new that's absolutely crazy - that isn't me. We're really good friends, who will never live anywhere near each other. And... things are going great the way they are and I really don't need to be fucking them up now.

I really just need to stop all this.

Time For A Change

Everything is happening so fast. I leave for BCT in about a month, and I'm leaving so much behind. And I will probably never get to see very many people again, so I'm taking my vacation week to go see Morgan and Nana.

And I just... wonder how it all happened. That these two people are the people that mean so much to me. Nana... I met her at camp when I was like 13 and my heart just stayed with her, no matter what crap she was putting me through. I was in love and when I got rejected, I somehow found a way to get past it.

And Morgan - we were supposed to be together forever. I was... what? 16? When I met her. When I fell in love with her. I even know the day - October 29th, 2005. And she had held a part of my heart ever since.

Six years later and the thought of her being unhappy still makes me sad. I know that me and Morgan aren't meant to be together. It's hard. Because a part of me wants it. Not right now. Right now, I'm with Caitlin and it's the most amazing thing I've ever had in my life. I do a lot for her and I want to continue to be hers.

But Morgan. I think, in the back of my mind, I want us to end up together. It's like... throughout the journey of my life we're just supposed to be friends but the destination is supposed to be her? I guess. I know that sounds stupid, but somewhere in me I believe that.

I know she doesn't feel that way for me, and even if she did it wouldn't go anywhere. I have Caitlin for one. She is the most important. And also, Morgan lives in Joplin and will probably never leave there and I just can't see myself living there. Having friends there. Becoming apart of that town? I would go crazy. Absolutely crazy.

And its crazy, but that is probably the biggest reason why we would never work. I still find her attractive. I still enjoy talking to her. I still love her in a way. And I will never stop caring about her. But I can't change my life for her. I'm going to BCT soon and then I'll be stationed somewhere and I need to live somewhere where there is an Army Base. And Joplin... that is just not going to happen.

I kind of just wish she was strong enough to leave Joplin behind and venture out on her own but she's not. She needs to be there. But she doesn't go to school, she works in a factory, she parties all the damn time and that's how she is okay living. I'm not. I need so much more than just those things in order to survive. Maybe doing that for a few weeks or even a few months is alright, but a lifetime? I could never do that.

And besides, there are so many other factors about Morgan that prevent us from ever working. Like, I highly doubt that she has any romantic feelings for me. I think that ship sailed about two years ago. In fact, I'm pretty sure it has and its never coming back by again. I don't mean to downplay her life in Joplin. I'm actually kind of jealous. She had great friends and a supportive family that loves her. I just wish she could recognize a bad situation and actually try to fix it, but she's not strong enough. And... she would never let me try to help her.

So. We will probably never, ever be in a place where... where she likes me. It's crazy how things can do in two totally different directions. I remember when we were suppose to mean the world to each other, but she stopped trying to compromise with me a lot time ago. Now she just wants these horrible girls that don't want her... who are just slowly destroying her and she's letting them.

The point of this, though, is that I think she will always have a piece of my heart. Or, at the very least, in the back of my mind, a place where I don't even want to acknowledge exist, Morgan will probably always mean something more to me than just a friend to me.

The only question is, do I just let it be there... let her be there. Or should I take this New Year and New Life I'm about to start, and try to eliminate it?

I got over Nana, and we're way better for it. Should I try the same thing with Morgan? And completely eliminate any possibilities...?