Sigh.

I'm like 110% sure that the universe hates me. Because they dropped this extremely awesome girl in my lap and then puts her in the arms of someone else. I don't know. I'm not saying I know very much about this girl. She's still fairly new in the battalion and I've attempted to stay away - especially after finding out that she's spoken for now but... she is so cool. And she's been wanting to hang with me more, okay.

Like, she's short and attractive and cool. And likes superheroes and Degrassi and Panera Bread and sushi. And she's upfront and honest. Like, I think it's really stupid to name all of the reasons why you think a girl is awesome or why you like her or whatever but we would be so compatible. She even writes and wants to be an English teacher - how dope is that? She even likes soccer. But a guy from work - A friend of Rod's - already has her heart. I didn't even know they were talking or dating but they're a couple. And he's a nice guy and I like him well enough. And I'm genuinely glad when two people find each other and find happiness but I must admit that I'm a tad jealous. Because she is so cool. And she actually wants to hang out.

She's even into Instagram and Tumblr.

But whatever. I will take a deep breath and pretend as if I do not like her. If there is one thing I can do it's push away feelings for people that only want friendship. And let's face it, that's how all of my friendships start. I meet them, think they're cool, kind of like them and then realize that they don't see me this way and just continue to be a good friend to them. I just need to get over the initial shock of finding someone super cool.

I don't know. I need to stop talking about this person because I know that the more you talk about someone the more you like them but she is just super cool. We went to get sushi last night and we were just chatting, trying to get to know each other and she asked me about my last relationship. Which was Trey. And I told her about how everything happened. And after hearing it she asked who hurt me. And I thought about Morgan and I thought about Nana but I ended up telling her about Kyla. It's much easier to understand.

But like I said. I will stop now and just try to keep her in my mind's friendzone.

Wish It Was Over

I don't know.

Kyla was pretty much my last ditch effort at being any type of happy. I just foolishly thought that because I've liked her for so damn long that my feelings much be mutual. I just have this belief that true love... not "true love" but love that is true is only real because it is reciprocated. So I thought that the reason why I haven't been able to get over her in so many years is because she felt the same. But I'm beginning to realize that she doesn't. I'm beginning to accept that there's no way.

It just sucks because I am not in all enthusiastic about continuing my life right now when all I really want is to stop existing.

I'm trying really hard to keep it together but it really kills to know that the girl that you think is so amazing does not feel the same. Not only that but that she prefers the love of someone who is not worthy of her.

I try so hard to be the best version of myself. I try to be the best I can. I try to do thing that will make me better. And I try to always be a good person. But it doesn't matter. I'm never good enough. There is always someone better. And it's beginning to be way too much for me.

I would really just like to end it but it's ridiculous because my sister is a bitch to my mom and my mother is getting older and lonelier and Morgan and Nana for some strange fucking reason seem to actually love me to some extent. And I would just... hate to abandon them before they're actually prepared for that. Tiara, too. I would just really love to know that they would be alright if I was no longer around.

It's crazy how easy it would be to end it. A bunch of sleeping pills and some alcohol. It'd have to be enough to get the job done. And I don't think I'd want anyone to fucking find me. I wish I could just die normally, though. And accident. But something that I can see happening. So right before I'm about to die, I can be like "This is it. Finally." And I don't have to feel bad or wonder who's going to find my body or worry about them trying to save me.

It's so fucking stupid. It's so fucking lame that the pain from this is so severe that I'm right back to wanting it to all end again. I just want it all to end. I want the pain to stop. Why does it hurt so bad here. I just want to cry. I just want to break down and not feel anything for a really long time or maybe never again.

But I can't. I'm stuck here, feeling everything. And having to pretend like I don't feel a fucking thing. Like this shit doesn't phase me. Doesn't kill me. Doesn't destroy me.

I need to find some way to fucking distance myself. Probably by deleting her number and pics and the one thing that she actually uses, facebook. Then I can focus on reclaiming my sanity. Which I desperately need to do because I can't fucking handle any of this shit.

Fucking Up The Journey

I think my problem is that I keep thinking my life is like things in the stories I read. I keep thinking that someone out there is haboring feelings for me but doesn't want to tell me for fear of rejection or something like that and that all they need is a push from me to make things happen.

But that's not how things are. Not with anyone. And especially not with Kyla. I may have found her attractive since the first day I saw her and I may still have some type of feelings for her but that doesn't mean it's mutual. Kyla is just really charasmatic and friendly and flirtacious. She treats me the way she treats all of her friends. There is nothing special or unqiue about it. And I know admitting that to myself really hurts because I have so much hope that she will wake up one day and see me the way I see her but that isn't going to happy.

Tristan, you have to realize that. You have to realize and accept that Kyla only sees you as a friend and that is how you need to see her. As a friend. It's no different than with Nana and Morgan. In fact, it's pretty much exactly the same. A person connects with you, likes you for who you are and wants to be your friend and you automatically take it to mean something more. When it doesn't mean anything.

You're going to go on leave on Monday and see your family and friends and have a good time. Catch up on sleep. Relax. Remember what it's like to be around people who know you differently than the people you work with. It's a vacation. That's all. It's not supposed to be some attempt at getting Kyla to see you as more than just a friend. Not only is that pathetic but it's super manipulative. You have manipulate people to like you. Have you not learned from Nana and Morgan? You should just be happy that there are still people out there that want to be friends with you, instead of being pissed and sad about the fact that no one wants to date you.

People do want to date you. But those people only want to date you because they want to date anyone. And you don't need that in your life. So just chill.

Seriously. You need to get over this. It's driving us both crazy and I don't know if I can take that much longer. Can't you just focus on better yourself. Focus on improving your PT and going to the promotion board and figuring out where you want to go when you reenlist and saving money and getting top surgery and just all the things that you think will make you happy. Focus on what you think will make you happy. Stop wasting your time and energy having feelings for someone who doesn't have them back... hoping that one day you'll be good enough for them to see you as more than just a friend.

Cause it's bullshit. I know neither one of us can see it now but we seriously do deserve better. We deserve better than Trey and Chai and Tay and Caitlin and Kelly and countless other women who you've settled for because you just don't want to be alone and they don't want to be alone. That's not a good enough reason to date someone. You need to realize that. You need to accept that. And you need to change because of it.

You need to move on from the sorrow you hold on to. You need to change to become someone you can actually tolerate because hating yourself to such a degree is getting so damn old. It would be nice to wake up one day and not wonder what the point of it all is. It would be nice to wake up and not have to convince yourself why you have to get through the day. It would be nice to just wake up and have it all mean something instead of repeatedly telling yourself "I can't see what the purpose of suffering it now but one day it will make sense." It would be nice to wake up and just have it all make sense, right then and there. Do you know what I mean?

So let this Kyla thing go. Let it all go. It's not worth holding onto and making yourself miserable over.

It's really fucking stupid but the truth is that you can't be happy with anyone else if you aren't happy withour anyway. Anything you get into now would be totally fucked beacuse you hate yourself so immensely. If you want something real to come along you have to get to a stage in your life where you actually like you. Life is a journey and you are totally fucking it up because you are not apprecating any of it.

I Just Want The Girl I Like To Like Me Back

What the hell is it about Kyla Marie McDonough that has me so fucking smitten? Is that even the write word for it? Smitten? I think I'm way past that now. Okazaki literally just said that I have it bad for Kyla and I think she's right.  I'm so into this girl and she doesn't even have a clue.

It would be unfair to ask Kyla to figure out how she feels about me. She hasn't been broken up with that BB girl for very long. She's still messing with her head and emotions with all of her craziness.  Kyla is super busy with school and working two jobs and dealing with her family. And to just come out and say "Yes, I know we've been friends for like five or six years or something like that but I like you and want to know if you feel the same" is just bullshit on my part.

This is so damn stupid. I am so miserable over a girl who probably doesn't even feel the same. Like honestly, these feelings are too intense. I sound like a stalker or a weird or freak or something. I'm obsessing over a girl who has never really given me any indication that she feels the same. This is overwhelming and will probably just drive her away quicker. I'm lucky that she still wants to be my friend and I'm fucking pushing it with all of me "feelings" and junk.

This is dumb. I'm done talking about this right now. Too much negative feelings involved with talking about this.

Fake or Real?

I wish I could analyze my feelings. I wish I could distinguish between real feelings and fake ones. I wish I knew what I really genuinely felt from what I just think I felt. Do I only like Kyla because I'm lonely? Because I'm single? Lets think about the past year...

Back in the beginning of the year, before I met Trey and she met that chick, I remember always wanting to talk to her and always thinking she's awesome. We go months without talking and I just always like her.

In high school, I enjoyed her company and liked her. But I couldn't date her so I startd dating Marissa and then a bunch of other girls that I don't even want to name. I remember liking her when I started dating Heather. And when she joined the Army, I remember emailing back and forth and feeling less than thrilled when she met Morgan, but I started dating Chae so... the disappointment lessened. Then I met Caitlin and I remember when she came to visit Missouri and told me last minute and I just really wanted Caitlin to meet her. And then when I went to visit for Thanksgiving, I couldn't stop wanting to just hang out with her and for Morgan to go away for a few hours so we could hang out and just talk. And then when she and Morgan finally broke up, for good, I just wanted her to notice me.

It doesn't exactly sound as if these feelings are false.

It sounds like whenever liking her becomes sucky and she starts dating someone, I date someone to try and forget. And apparently it doesn't actually work. It's been six years and I am still not over her. It's been six years and I still hope that one day she'll start to see my the way I see her.

What the hell is this?

It's not practical to like someone this long. It's not practical to have feelings for someone that doesn't have them back. In fact, it's impossible to have real, genuine feelings for someone unless it's reciprocated.

Since she doesn't feel the same way, these feelings are actually real. They should be able to go away. I just have to make a sincere decision to get over her. For real. No lingering feelings or residual hope.

If I just focus on bettering myself for myself and not someone else then this should be possible.

I mean, she obviously doesn't give a fuck. I mean, she only wants to be friends. She doesn't want anything more. I should be happy with just having her in my life but it's definitely better if I start to distance myself... She said she doesn't know how she feels but I have to take that to mean that she doesn't feel the same and it's time to truly move on.

If I can just focus on other things, I should be able to do it.

Kill This Crush

I need to get over Kyla McDonough. I honestly don't know how it's been like seven years without these feelings for her going away. Okay, I can admit it. I like her. I have liked her since senior year. I was so smitten by her. As pathetic as it sounds, it's true. I'm pretty sure it's just my mind making things up. She's attractive, yes. Ambition, beautiful, funny, adventerous, open, sweet, kind... short, stylish, adorable. Okay. I can sit here and list all the awesome things about her but I'd be here all day, okay. Let's just say that I think she's perfect. She has so many awesome, amazing qualities. She always has. But back in high school I figured I didn't have a chance because... well, she didn't like girls then. And then when she figured out that she did, it was the distance that pretty much ruined it for me. She moved around a lot and I was dating so many different people and we grew apart. And then she joined the Army and met Morgan and I was with Caitlin and then I joined the Army and things have just never really worked well timing wise.

Six years later and that is still true. I live in Washington and she lives in Missouri (complete opposite than it was back then when I was in MO and she was in WA) and neither of us even likes distance.

It's weird. I've always thought she was amazing. Obviously, because that's the only reason why I still talk to her even though I've thoroughly stopped talking to everyone else is my past. In my opinion we just work well together, but that's just my opinion. In my mind, she is perfect. Everything about her is amazing. Her laugh, her eyes, her smile, her voice. Even when she's angry I think it's pretty adorable. Whether she's all dressed up or in sweats and a t shirt - which I really like when she's in sweats and a t shirt - I think she's gorgeous. No matter what she does I think she's perfect.

But it's just in my head. In my head, we'd be perfect together. Because she wants serious and I can serious. I'm attracted to her, no doubt. I get excited but the idea of kissing her. Touching her in any way. I mean, just a hug and I'm like oh my gosh, Kyla touched me. So it goes without saying that I'd like to kiss her. And anything more than that... well, I try not to think about it because she is my friend and I think it's a little disrespectful to fantisize about your friends. But would I ever... if even the chance, hell yes okay.

Anyway. What I'm trying to say is what I feel for her has to be in my head. It has to be fake. Because no matter how much I love her calls, when we're on the phone I can't think of a single thing to say. Alright, that may just be me and my social awkwardness. I was talking to Toddy today and couldn't wait to get off the phone even though I do enjoy talking to her. Same goes with when I talk to Nana. I just feel so uncomfortable. So that could be it.

But realistically... could me and Kyla work? Could I see myself calling/ Skyping with her every night? Could I see me coming to visit just for her and then enjoying her company while I'm there? I don't know. And the even better question is could she feel the same for me? Because I sincerely doubt that. I don't think she's attracted to me physically. Nor do I think she sees me in anyway besides a friend. She doesn't see me as anything besides a friend.

So. What I need to do it see her when I visit, tell her how I feel and tell her that I'm working on getting over her. I just need her to reject me. Is that possible? I really do enjoy talking to her but if I tell her that could change that. That could change our whole friendship. But would it? Should I wait until I visit or get it out the way now? Spare myself a visit? I just need her to reject me. I don't think she has a problem with her friends having feelings for her. She knows her ex bf likes her and still continues to hang with him sometimes, regardless of the awkwardness. So maybe me telling her how I feel won't be such a big deal. Maybe it'll be exactly what I need to finally put this six year crush to rest. I should try it. I need to try it.

Tired Dude...

I just wish that I could look like regular guys. I wish that I was taller and that my clothes fit better and all I had to worry about was my hair and going to the gym. I wish I looked like real guys and then I could walk up to girls that looked like Charlotte Arnold and have them actually like because I look like a respectable person and not a thug or stud or anything I don't want to be.

I'm so into these fictional fucking characters and these stupid fucking celebrities because they seem so great and awesome but I can't connect to real fucking people. I don't find anyone else good enough... not physically and not with their personalities. I mean, let's face it... Cristine Prosperi and Annie Clark probably aren't that interesting in real life. It seems like all they enjoy doing is shopping and partying and I'm not into that at all but for some reason I just want them to acknowledge my existence. I've never been this obsessed with a celebrity before. Beautiful with an amazing character or not... like what is wrong with me?

I can't help but feel as if this has something to do with my aversion to relationships. To feelings and anything that may make me feel anything at all.

I'm so hollow inside. I care about the people in my life and would do anything for them. I will call to check up on them or sit and listen to them talk about their day or cry or complain or be super excited about something. I will spend money on them and time. I will hang out with them and do things for them. I will do anything.

But I won't call and tell them about my insecurities. I won't tell them anything about my past. I won't ask for anything or rely on them or depend on them for anything at all. I won't hug them when I'm sad or call them crying and hurting. I won't do anything. I will be there for them but I will not expect them to be there for him. Nor will I expect them to make me happy in anyway.

I'm sad. And I want the pain to stop. But I won't ask any of them for help. I won't even tell them I'm hurting. I won't tell them that I feel like crying everyday. I won't tell them that I'm so damn close to the edge that it actually scares me how easy it would be to just fall off of it.

I want to be with someone. I want them to understand and like me for who I am... and I want to be attracted to them. I want them to be someone I am actually attracted to and want to spend time with and be near and not be utterly awkward around them.

I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of never fitting with someone. I'm sick of hiding 80% of myself from the world. And I'm sick of it all hurting so fucking much. I'm sick of this pain. Please, just go away. I need you to go away. I don't believe in doing stupid things but sometimes the thought just pops in my head and I"m never really sure what prevents me from doing the stupid thing but I'm afraid that whatever it is will stop working and I'm going to do whatever I can to stop the pain.

Low Moment

I feel so love sick right now and I guess it's becoming so overwhelming that I just have to write about it. I'm just making myself miserable watching Degrassi. Seriously, Fiona Coyne drives me wild. I just want a girl like her. She's damaged and lonely and strong and sexy and stylist and... fictional. Still - there has to be a girl like her out there somewhere in the world right? Even still, if there was, I highly doubt they'd be interested in someone like me.

I'm disgusting and everyday I look at myself in the mirror and deal with that. And I can't blame girls for not being interested in me. I'm a freak. I'm a loser. I'm depressed. I'm lonely. I'm broke. I'm disgusting. Why would anyone beautiful and brilliant want to date me?

I guess most of the time it doesn't suck like hell because I can distract myself with Degrassi or some other show or random people from Tumblr or whatever but there are moments when it just really hits me and it hurts and I feel devastatingly alone and disgusting and wrong.

There are days when being trans literally feels like burns all over my body but no matter what I do I can't soothe them. There are days... moments... when I look at my naked self in the mirror and sincerely wish I could rip off these meat sacks on my chest and trim the fat off my ass and stomach and mold my body until the curves of my hips and the thickness of my thighs go away.

There are moments when I feel so disgusting... moments like now... where I just want to be anyone else but myself. Anyone but this short, fat black girl who can't find clothes that will fit right... who constantly has to pull down her T-shirt to cover her abs and make sure the bulge in her stomach doesn't show or that her outline of her breast are too prominent to people.

I'm so sick of being this person. I wish there was someway I could change it all. Be different. Be like the person I see in my head. Feel like the person I think I am. Instead of this disgusting piece of shit I am right now. I feel so wrong. So gross. I feel like I'll never be right. Like living is just a big fucking joke that someone is playing on me. But I can't end things because there is just a tiny sliver of hope that things could change and I'm so fucking stupid that I hold on to the hope, even though it makes no fucking sense logically and even though taking a breath every single second of the day hurts like hell.

I'm so depressed and unhappy and tired and alone and I just want it all to fucking stop. Just once. Just for a while.

Not Apologizing

"Why don't I have a cute girlfriend?!"
"Well you had Trey and you broke up with her...."

Let me just clear this up right now. Trey was not what I was looking for...

Yes. She was nice and friendly and we had fun together and she cared. But my heart wasn't fucking in it.

One. She fucking lied. I feel lied to. She started talking to me at a time when I said that I really only wanted friends and then I felt really bad when she said she had feelings for me so we began dating. Like. I don't know how to explain this really, not without sounding like a huge fucking dick but whatever.

At the beginning of this year, I was so damn sad and hopeless and I just wanted a friend. I wanted someone who would care. And then comes Trey. And she seemed cool and interesting and she said she was trans and I started becoming interested. Maybe caught a few feelings for her. But let me just say that I thought she was a he...

Later. She started getting super attached and yes, I did enjoy the attention so I let it go on. Then she is spending the night and we're having sex and we're dating and I'm meeting her friends and family and then she's asking me out and then she's saying she loves me. And how did this even happen??

She only started talking to me because she wanted someone to date. She didn't want to be my friend. She manipulated me hardcore and I never even realized what the fuck was happening. She used the things I love - superheroes, favorite shows, etc - to gain a connection and then she just went for it. And despite how hesitant I was about it all I didn't want to say anything because I really liked having someone around and spending time with someone and having someone to talk to.

And this was exactly around the time that Kyla totally ditched me for her new girlfriend so I was feeling even more alone than usual....

Trey was not what I wanted. And I can't and I won't feel bad about admitting that. Honestly, I was only initially interested because I wanted a friend and the only reason I thought that allowing more than just a friendly thing to happen was because I thought Trey was trans. But she's not. She's very much a girl. And not the type of girl I wanted.

I'm sick of feeling bad about the fact that I want a girl who is more around my height. And is kind of slender. And has a more of a solid body. And is either super girly or super not girly. No in-fucking-between. I'm not trying to define gender binary whatever... but I know what I like. I like super girly girls (not fems) who have long hair and wear make up. And I like tomboy girls. Possibly butch but definitely masculine. And I like transguys. Dude that identify as male. At home, in public, in private. Do you get what I'm saying?

End of Chapter

So, Trey and I broke up last night. I broke up with her, through text. It started with me deciding to go to the gym instead of go see her on Thursday. Then not texting at all Friday so she waited until that night to point out that we've haven't spoken all day. Well, she asked if I realized and that just completely irritated me. Then she began talking about how her feelings are hurt and stuff because I haven't been paying much attention to her lately and I went off about how depressed I am and how the only thing I'm concerned with is trying to be happy. So she started talking about therapy and getting on meds and I had to keep saying that I wasn't going to do either of that. That's I'd find my own way of being happy. And she finally figured out that I was annoyed and simply said okay, sorry for pushing and... then she asked if I wanted her to just sit back until I was ready. And I don't know. So she said that she needs to know basically, so I said she should just focus on all the changes happening in her life.

And of course, she asked if we were taking a break. And I made a decision. I told her I didn't believe in breaks. Which, I realized then that I don't. Either you are broken up or you're together. All that in between shit is bullshit. So she said alright and something along the lines of "it sounds like you think we shouldn't be together. And if that's what you want then I will respect that." And all I could say was I guess.

I'm trying to be more mature but I absolutely despise hurting people.

Still. It's not a matter of hurting her or not. I am utterly and completely unhappy and being with her is not helping. It's just filling with me guilt and dread. I like talking to her and hanging out but I don't look forward to it. I just feel... well, dread.

I guess I'm not longer attracted to her and I kind of doubt that I ever truly did. When we began talking, she made it seem as if she was a different person. She sounded well together, self assured and confident. And she made it sound as if she were out. But she's none of those things. She's not sure of who she is. To some she may seem gender fluid but to me it just comes off as confused. She made it sound as if she was more masculine than feminine but once we hung out she started dressing super girly. And then said it was because I was so masculine so she just naturally started dressing more feminine.

We had a lot less in common than I thought. I thought the Smallville thing was promising, hoping it was just one of the many things we would have in common but it was mostly just me introducing her to it. Which is fine but not what I expected....

And then there's the whole working out thing. Working out has to be who I am. Because it's what I want to do and who I want to be but she couldn't even begin to understand what working out means for me.

And then the trans* thing. I'm grateful that she was so understanding but I was under the impression that she understood because she was trans* also but she wasn't. She goes by Trey to her friends but she won't correct people that call her by her given name, and she still goes by it at work. She masquerades as this other person at work and with her Mormon family and that's supposed to be alright. But I want someone who is out. Out. If you're gay or lesbian or trans* or whatever, fucking own it. Don't tell me one thing, only come to find out that things are totally different.

Don't get me wrong. It wasn't all lies or misleads. And she helped me realize that Tristan Jacob exists. It probably would've taken years before I ever realized. And a little longer still to accept it.

But we just don't fit. There is chemistry and we make good friends and have a good time when we're together but I don't long to kiss her. I don't think about her late at night. I don't want to have sex. There is no passion. There are no butterflies or that amazing feeling when I look into her eyes. Instead, I don't feel any amazing. I just feel kind of wrong. And it annoys me when she touches my face. And the way she looks at me doesn't make me anticipate what could happen. I just don't want to think about it at all, really.

I don't know how to explain it. It's like... when I used to date guys and I used to feel gross or just not right whenever I was with them. I know it's dumb and impractical and crazy but I just really want it. I want the butterflies and the friendship and the attraction. I want to be physically attracted. Why is that wrong??

Why is it wrong to want a girl that looks like Fiona or Imogen or Becky? I know, they're glamorous because the're fictional but I want someone who is a little superficial? Someone who likes staying in shape and wearing attractive clothing? Someone who will get up with me and go running or to the gym every once in a while? They don't have to be perfect but I have a type and I can't help that I have a fucking type. Why should I feel guilty about that?

Feminine. Tomboy. Stud. Butch. Trans*. What the fuck ever but they have to be my idea of hot. It sounds shallow and superficial but that's just how it is.

Questioning

What is the matter with me? Do I seriously not like Trey as much as I thought I do?

I don't know.

All I know is that I'm watching Degrassi and watching Imogen try to comfort Fiona and all I can think is "I wish I had that. Someone to care and be there for me when I need it. To love me no matter what and want my happiness." Except... I have Trey.

But lately... the idea of seeing Trey or being with Trey or talking to Trey hasn't been as appealing as it once was. Its just... not everything I thought it would be. I thought Trey was this genderqueer, leaning more towards female-to-male... someone who had their shit together. Someone who knew who they were. Someone who wasn't confused about identity or religion or faith... someone who was out and proud about who they were. Someone who was okay with themselves...

But fuck. She is not. She still gets upset if someone questions the Mormon religion. She gets anxiety about just mentioning to anyone in her family that she made be different than the idea they have of her in their minds. Her friends are super possessive.... like Kris gets jealous that Trey spends so much time with me.  She doesn't have her life together. She dropped out of school and can't go back. She has a crazy living situation. She drinks and smokes weed a lot. She's a thousand times more insecure than I am.

She's not the person I thought she was but now its way too late to fucking back out of this shit. This is why I absolutely hate getting close to anyone. This is why I fucking hate dating. And this is exactly why I didn't want to ever get involved with anyone again. Gosh. I fucking hate this part.

I fucking hate being obligated to like someone just because I fucking care about them. This is exactly what happened with Caitlin. It wasn't fun anymore. I just wanted to be left alone... on my own, figuring shit out. Saving money. Doing things for me.

I thought I was getting a brother... someone who was just as much male as me, who enjoyed the same things I did, who wanted the same fucking shit I did and wanted to do the same shit I do. Instead, I got someone who is extremely girly and needy and insecure. Someone who needs to be loved. Who needs other people. Who can't ever be who she really is in all aspects of her life.

We are just too different. And I don't altogether like her friends. Kaleigh and Bri, yes. Kris and Tiff... kind of. This Shaan guy, not even a little bit.

Maybe this is my depression....

Its Just Bullshit

Why do people get involved with they are so fucked up themselves? Why do they put that burdon onto other people when they are not okay inside? When they are so messed up and broken? If you can't control your depression, then don't get involved with someone. If your life is fucked up, then don't get involved with someone. If you can't communicate or your first instinct is to be a bitch when you are hurt or your feelings get hurt, do not get involved with someone.

This is a basic fucking concept, people. If you are not ready for a relationship then do not get involved with someone. Don't say you are. Don't say you're working on this. Dude. If you're still working on things... if you're still working on trying to figure out how you can be with someone then you're not fucking ready. You're not fucking ready and don't do that to another fucking human being. A human being you claim to fucking care about. Because if you do then you obviously don't care as much about them as you claim. And you guys shouldn't be together in the first fucking place.

I'm just tired of it. I took a lot of time and energy... a lot of effort figuring myself out to the point where I can be with someone... where I can be alone and made a lot of mistakes getting there but I learned from it. So do not insult me by trying to be with me when you're not ready when I worked so hard to be ready for someone I can care about and be with.

Its just bullshit.

When are people going to stop being so selfish? Alright. I get that you can be lazy or reluctant to help your fucking self. Whatever. But don't say you want to be with someone... that you don't want to be alone... and the be the more selfish prick of all time?

Selfish? How is not wanting to deal with your own fucking problems selfish? Because when you cry and refuse to be alone by getting involved with someone, you drag that someone into your fucking shit. You drag them into your darkness and depression and whatever mess of shit you've got going on.

Stop being so fucking selfish. Seriously. Don't tell me you care about me and want to be with me and then turn around and get all upset and depressed and tell me that it has nothing to fucking do with me. It obviously does. If it doesn't, then we shouldn't fucking be involved.

So maybe you should fucking think about that and think about what you want and think about if that fucking makes sense. If that can actually work. If you want to be with me because you care then fucking act like you care about me. Caring about another person is not just about treating them nicely and doing what you can for them. Its about letting them in and letting them care about you. All aspects. In your brightest time and in your fucking darkest time.

Fucking think about that.

Gosh. I'm so sick of fucking people not understanding. Not getting it. Not fully comprehending what it means to be with someone and then wondering why it didn't fucking work out. Because you fucking fucked it up with your selfishness.

Fucking get a clue already.

No Friends

So. Kyla and this new bitch she is dating are really just... unbelievable. Like, this is such dysfunction and Kyla is just going with it and its really been bothering me and I can't figure out why. Maybe I did have feelings for Kyla way back when, before I ever laid eyes on Trey and my entire world like shifted but those feelings are gone. Now I just really saw her as a friend. Someone I could depend upon, not for anything big but just for small stuff, like when I'm having some kind of anxiety about Trey or Morgan or work I could call her and talk. Or I could just write a bunch of random stuff on her facebook timeline. And then this girl comes in and just ruins that and has Kyla thinking I'm in love with her and that I'm hating on her girl and just all this nonsense. And before I know it, Kyla and this chick are "not actually engaged" but pretty fucking much and I can't even ask a question about anything without her being all distant and hesitant and just.. like... whatever.

Obviously, we didn't have a friendship at all. If this random chick from the net who she has only ever Skyped/Called but never seen or spent any real time with can just come and tear apart whatever friendship I thought we had then it wasn't friendship. It was nothing. And I don't stick around for nothing. Like, I wanted Kyla to be happy and be with someone who deserved her because I thought she was pretty great. It didn't matter who the girl was as long as she treated her right. But this girl doesn't at all and somehow I am the one that is in the wrong.

Well. What's done is done. Kyla has so obviously made a decision I didn't even know needed to be made and I will learn to accept that.

I think the real kicker is that I thought we were actual friends. But we weren't. And I need real friends. And I have none.

I have Nana who has her own life with two beautiful kids and a new boyfriend in Chicago. I have Morgan who has her own life with a gang of girls who are just dying for her attention in Joplin. I have sisters who have lives with work and boyfriends and all that stuff. I have Okazaki who has a life and a girlfriend and a good job.

I'm not saying I want to be someone's entire life but I wish these people had room in their lives for me the way I have room in my life for them. I would drop what I'm doing to talk to these people. I'd give them my last dollar. I'd do absolutely anything for them. But most days I can't even get a text back from any of them. I just want a friend who will be a friend. But I have none. I thought Kyla was my friend but she isn't. She isn't anything.

Oh well. I guess I don't need real friends.

Guilt

So. Trey asked me today... in not so many words, why we aren't a couple yet. Actually, she pretty much said that she couldn't understand why we're not  a couple yet. And I told her I wasn't ready and that I don't want to rush things. And immediately she said, okay, that's fine but she doesn't think we need to take a step back and that she has to think about some things.

And now I feel like a pretty huge fucking jackass for hurting her feelings. But I don't know why. Because I can't understand why not wanting to be in a relationship after only about a month of talking is a bad thing. Sure. We've had sex. My bad? It wasn't exactly my idea. She didn't exactly have to seduce me but I tried to back off but that's not what she wanted. And the other day, she was speaking with her exgirlfriend Jenn about us having sex and Jenn said something about "having sex makes you think you like someone more than you actually do" and I suggested we stop having sex then and she said no.

So why do I feel like a jerk? I'm sorry but I never asked for a girlfriend. I never said I wanted one. I said that I wanted to focus on becoming a better me and that I had goals and stuff that I needed to accomplish. That I needed to change. It just so happen that wanting those things makes me appealing and a very awesome, attractive person noticed me and I noticed them back. How is that a crime?

I like Trey. I really do. I love spending time together and learning more and making her smile and having her make me smile in return. I want to become more with her one day but right now just isn't that day. I'm too fucked up. And I know this.

No, I'm not talking to anyone else. No, I don't want to talk to anyone else. I'm not sleeping with anyone else nor do I want to. I like Trey. I want Trey. But I can't afford to lose myself in a relationship or a woman right now. Everytime things go wrong in my life, its because I got blinded by a girl and fucked things up for myself. I know who I am and how I am and I know what I fucking need right now.

But still, that's not enough. Its not enough to be the only person in my heart or mind. Its not enough to want to be with you. To want you and only you.

Why must you have all of me? Its only been a month.

I don't know. I don't know what to do or think but I know that my mind isn't going to change just because she wants it to. Because she wants more than what I am willing to give right now. If she wants to stop seeing each other than fine. But I've done that "fools rush in" thing and you know what, only fools rush in. This isn't a fucking movie. We do need to take a step back and slow things down if she is going to get upset by the fact that I don't want a girlfriend after only a month of knowing her. There is so much I don't know. So much I should know. And there is so much about myself.

I honestly think we need to slow down. I've already spent so much time and energy and money on her already. I can't afford to visit every weekend. That's an insane amount of gas money and miles. I haven't had a whole weekend to myself since we met.

Like. I still want to be my own person. And that is the main reason. Because I still want to be me. And its already difficult enough because I have no idea who I actually am and adding someone and becoming an "us" and leaving behind all the things I love in order to care or love another person is too fucking much for me right now. Why do I feel bad about not going to see her for a weekend when we spent last weekend together and we're spending the following weekend together and I just saw her a day ago?

Why do I already feel as if I can't be me? I feel like wanting to watch Degrassi on Friday nights and sleep in on Saturdays and go to the gym and then watch Young Justice in the morning and Naruto at night and play videogames and text people and everything is wrong? Like I should want to use all the time it takes to do those things and spend it with her?

This is all insane. I feel like I'm already losing myself.

I don't want something that's fake. I don't want a facebook girlfriend. I don't want to have to put myself second. Maybe that is selfish but that's just how I feel. Like I need to spend more of my time and energy and money doing things I want and not trying to make someone else happy. Because in the end I have to be happy. And doing that isn't going to make me fucking happy.

What To Do

The important thing to remember when you're dating someone and when you're not exactly dating and even when you're just plain single is that you were a your own person before you ever met anyone and you have to remain being your own person. You have things that were important to you and you have to keep those things in mind. Just because you care about someone isn't going to change what you find important in your life.

This is my own advice and I still seem to be having quite a hard time listening to myself.

I really adore Trey. But I have to remember that its okay to be my own person.

I really love spending time with Trey. But we've spend every weekend together for the last month. And we will be spending the 14th to the 18th together next week.

I'm just wondering if I should cool it for this upcoming weekend? I haven't had real time for myself in weeks. And then money. Buying Kovu put me in quite the hole and I won't get paid again until the 15th... meaning, I'm broke as fuck until then. Considering that I only have $75, its going to be a difficult week or two.

But I really want to spend time with her. And I want to have fun with her.

I just also want to work out and sleep. And save some actual cash. I absolutely despise being broke.

I don't know what to do. I can't get enough. I honestly can't. I love spending time with her and being with her. And I love knowing that my day with start and end with her. But I also love my freedom. And being alone. And being able to Facebook and Tumblr for hours at a time. And I like watching whatever I want and having my space for myself.

But I love having her near me. I love cuddling close to her in bed. And kissing her. And her kissing me. I love hearing her voice. Feeling her touch. Her smell. I love looking over and seeing her on my bed or couch or desk chair.

There has to be a middle ground. There has to be able to get both.

Smitten

Okay. So. Have you ever met someone that you just instantly clicked with somehow? You meet this person and think they seem like a pretty cool person, so you talk to them and there is like never a dull moment? So you start texting and talk and the more you talk and get to know this person, you think "holy crap, I can see myself with this person?"

Hard to believe but with Trey, is seriously feels that way. There is like never a full moment. Oh my gosh. I wish I wasn't so tired so I can properly describe how fucking amazing this person is.

I've definitely never met anyone like Trey before but it feels like I've known her for months already. Maybe even years. Because we connect so much. The conversation has been so good and interesting over text and facebook but when Trey came down to visit on Sunday is was the most fun I've had in two years. Probably even longer, so be true. I've never wanted to be near someone quite like this before. I like adore Trey. Like seriously. From the fact that Trey is genderqueer to the fact that she gets super nervous and anxious about things.

I just keep seeing her face. Last time. Hanging out and just talking was great. She watched me talk and listen and it was fucking great. And then we make it back here and she gets me heart pounding. When I finally kissed her and everything just felt so good. Holding her. The feel of her skin. So damn good. And then the sex was fucking unbelievable. And saying goodbye was so difficult but I knew it would be the last time I saw her again. Soon. Not soon enough but definitely not too soon from now.

I know I should be worried and freaking out about getting close to anyone ever again. I know I should keep in mind that she has a complicated, troubled past and that I really don't know if this person will hurt me but I'm already thinking... trusting that she won't hurt me.

I know everyone has their flaws, but I honestly think that when I realize what Trey's are that is won't matter. Having so much faith in someone is so not like me. This person has such a strange affect on me.

Too Amazing

Alright, I know I told myself not to get overly excited about the prospect of Trey but he is just too damn amazing not to talk about. Especially since he is driving down tomorrow so we can hang out. And I'm pretty sure he's spending the night and we're going to continue hanging out Monday, also.

He is so damn amazing. We Skyped for the first time and I was nervous there might be awkward silences but it was never an issue. We chatted and joked and it was just so fucking awesome. And when things got too embarrassing to talk about, we typed it out. Lol. Like. Having him to talk to is so great and I just don't have enough words to describe how much I like this guy.

One of the things we talked about was being referred to as him or her. And he told me that sometimes he feels feminine and sometimes he feels masculine and I was just like how about I refer to you as both, depending on which you're feeling like and he got super excited about it.

Like. I know, it sounds a little strange however, I have no problem with it. I like that he feels he's both. That he has his days and then she has her days and it reflects in her personalitiy. I'm sure the clothes will pretty much give it away but I will have to pay close attention. Have no problem with that, also. And if I can't figure it out, I'll just have to ask. Lol.

He's such an amazing person. And the dynamic between us is so awesome. I like it. Because no matter what he feels like, he likes that I am more dominant and pretty protective and I really like the fact that he is kind of territorial because I have no prblem if he wants to stake a claim or something.

I'm pretty sure we are going to be taking things slowly, though. I mean, talking all the time and Skyping is one thing but we both decided we were going to work on ourselves this year before we ever really knew each other and I have no plans of going back on that now.

Like, I really wish my car situations was squared away now. And that my body looked more like what I see in my head. And that I am just a better, more stable person period. I know I still feel pretty broken and my confidence is not where I want it to be... but I don't want to keep distance between us. I seriously don't. I don't want to miss out on a good thing. So, I will just have to keep things slow and steady.

Although, there is Valentines day to think about. Stupid shit is right around the fucking corner. But he told me that he actually likes romantic stuff so HOPEFULLY my car situation will be better and I can drive down and maybe bring flowers or a teddy bear or something. Lol. Ask him to be my Valentine. Cheesy, I know but he is so damn amazing. I just want him to know that.

Okay. I know, I'm getting ahead of myself here. Today is only the 19th and Valentines Day is a month away and I have other things I should be worrying about, I can't stop thinking about him so... yeah. I want to say like he's too things working out with him or getting better or here's to getting to know more about him but gosh damn it, I'm afaid to fucking jinx this. This guy really is something.

I don't know what mistake I always, always make with the other people I become interested in and then date and then get into a relationship with but I seriously don't want to fucking fuck this up. I need to figure out what my issue is and fix it because oh my gosh, I haven't smiled like this in so damn long. I don't want that to go away.

Trey

I know, I'm setting myself for failure by writing about this because the Universe just seriously hates me but I really like to document everything. At least this week keep my focused on something until Santoyo gets back so we can actually talk abut some stuff. So, here goes...

So, I met this person. They messaged me on facebook about a week or two, actually it was probably a month ago. I'm thinking they added me because of some facebook pace I frequent and decided to add me for some reason. So at least, I totally accepted the response because I usually do that when someone is attractive enough. But never really said anything.

Then they started speaking to me. Randomly. Nothing really significant but the conversation flowed easily. Still, didn't pay it much mind. A lot of folks add and/or talk to me because they think I'm good looking. Besides, it said on their profile they were married and I tend to take that seriously no matter how false it may actually be.

So, said person decided to send me a random message about being trans. Now, I've been wondering about transgenderism - not sure it that's a word - for a while and have been adding and speaking with more transman because something about it fascinates me and such. So when this person decided to ask me how I "felt" about the "transgender issue." And my first response was that transmen are fucking awesome, if that's what they're asking.

I mean, Adam Torres fucking kills me how awesome he is.

So, when I gave my possible opinion, said person decided to tell me that they think they are a transgender male. And I said that they should be who they are, but not to jeopardize their livelihood. And ever since then, we've been chatting, sparingly. And then somehow, one conversation led to another and now the conversing has been been a pretty constant, regular thing.

Now, I really didn't think anything would come from us speaking. I want more transgender males are friends because I just find them really cool. So when he told me that he is identifying as trans right now, I was like okay, then I will refer to you in the male pronoun.

Then I gave him my number and we've been texting a lot. Like constantly. And the more I learn about him, the more I like. And the strangest thing is that I think I like who he is, even as a female. Because I saw the girly pics because he has to dress female in order to function in his life without an issue.

This is all sounding very confusing and I'm not explaining it right but he is really freaking cool. Like I said, the more I learn the more I like. And now I'm starting to think this person is pretty near perfect. How is that possible? I don't know. He lives two hours way in a tiny fucking town but its really not bothering me because I"m enjoying just getting to know him. The kind of guy he actually is.

I know I have a tendency to get overly excited about situations like this. See every girl I've ever been interested in. But this is different because he is well, a he for one. Two, he seems to like who I actually am and not just the pictures they see on facebook. But I had to think on the trans things.

Could I date someone who fundamentally a male? I think we all know the answer is yes. I like masculine females. I adore them. And I freaking adore transmen. So, not an issue. How about the distance? Without  a car, its quite depressing. But I should have one soon and I have no problem driving two miles anywhere. Does he like African American females? Yes. Obviously, he started speaking to me first.

So I went through all the usual reasons why I wouldn't date a person and none of those reasons are holding up quite well. Hence, the blog. I feel comfortable enough to know that I like him and he likes me. He has said so several times about liking who I am and showing me to his friends and saying how attractive I am. Lol. I find that cute.

But what is the difference between him and Mellisa, you wonder? I really have no idea. Except, I do. Mellisa was all over me the second we text and just overly excited about talking to me even though I had barely spoken to her. Mellisa didn't have any of her shit together. She apologize for every little thing. She's kind of immature. The only thing she had going for her is the job she has at KFC and she's only 20 and I'm really trying hard not to be judgmental because I was working at DQ and Schnucks at 20. I didn't have my shit together. I had so many issues. Was in the strangest of places mentally and physically. And just a crap ton of other things.

But that is the damn difference. I was 20. I'm 23 now and my shit is in way better order than it was before. And I would just really love someone who also had their shit together. Because I tried that whole trying to settle for someone on a lower level than myself than Kelly and I ended up giving my all also and it backfired big time. So, I just can't go there again.

And Trey is just so different. He has a decent job, doesn't live at home with the rents and it trying to figure himself it. Like he acknowledges that he doesn't quite know but what's to figure it out. I adore that. Someone who is self-aware. I really freaking need that. And he wants to get to know me. Ask questions and had real answers to my questions.

He didn't just pour out all of his issues in one conversation.  And he doesn't just throw out random weird jokes or phrases that makes absolutely no sense to anyone but himself. He isn't trying so hard. Talking to him is like peeling an onion. The more I ask, the more I mean, the closer I get to who he actually is. Instead of him just telling me all this random shit for me to base my opinion on that.

I just feel like Mellisa was way too insecure for me. She didn't actually want me. She just wanted someone, anyone to love her and to not be so alone. I felt like I could be anybody. It's not a really good feeling to have. Plus, the date wasn't the best date I've ever been on and I didn't have any fun with her. I feel as if she was just trying so hard to like me and forced it when I doubt she actually felt anything for me. And her style... I didn't get it. She just threw anything together, had her long hair shoved into a way too big hat. I just like more clean up, more confidence in the clothes. Not just a "Trying to hide my body" type a way.

Now, I know its really not fair to compare two people who are complete opposite or even compare people period but I have to explain why I'm more likely to go for Trey and I was likely to go for Mellisa and why I had to stop being so flirty and such what her. Had to stop leading her on.

And another cool thing about Trey, besides his cool freaking name, is his hair. Short. I adore fucking short hair on anyone. Its fucking hot.

Okay. Now I really need to stop obsessing about him. He is just so cool and I really like who he is. Very feminine personality but masculine and I feel like it would fit well  with who I feel like I am. But - getting ahead of myself again here.

I'm enjoying getting to know him. And I'm enjoying the fact that he anticipates my texts and that it brings a smile to his face. And I'm enjoying the fact that I have no desire to try and "save" him because he's doing a pretty good job of keeping himself together without my help. I like that shit.

I don't want to jinx myself by saying I hope this works out in my favor and what not, because the Universe hates me and what's not but I am looking forward to learning more about this guy.

Dream Girl?

So. I keep blogging about how no girl is right for me and how I don't want love or how I will never find love or how each girl I talk with is not someone I could fall in love with and blah blah blah. But I've never actually wrote about what exactly I would want in a girlfriend. So, I guess I'm going to talk about that right now.

First, I think its safe to say that I want a girl who is "stud" or "butch" or whatever. Tomboy. I'm not saying I will only ever like tomboys from here on out but it is safe to say that being tomboy is one of the most attractive things to me. I love a girl in baggy jeans and a fitted hat. That's just the way it is.

I won't apologize or be ashamed of who I am, ever again. I did that. First with being gay period and then with who I'm attracted to. So. Tomboy. But a tomboy with some sense of style. It can be punk style, stud style, pretty boi, etc. But actual style. I can't handle it when people have no idea how to wear their fucking clothes. Or have no appreciation for clothes or shoes or hats, in the least. I can't handle it. I just can't. So, appreciation for clothes. They don't have to be as into it as myself but come on now...

I guess it goes without saying that they must be good looking. Cute in someway. I'm not a very shallow person. And I'm easily intimidated by good looking people. So saying someone has to be dropdead gorgeous would be crazy and unfair. But I have to be attracted to the person. However, I've dated so many different people that I'm attracted to so many different things about a girl that its hard to say specifically what I think is attractive.

They just can't be over weight. Which brings me to working out and enjoying sports and outdoorsy thing. I know, I don't play very much sports anymore or do shit outside besides run but I want to. I want someone who is fit and in shape, because it means they care enough about themselves to stay healthy. They don't have to be as vain and egotistical as myself... but they have to care about themselves. And one of the ways that shows is through working out... working hard... being disciplined enough. And it says a lot about your personality.

And if they're fit, it means I can drag them to do new and different things like hiking and camping. Or they can drag me to do it. But I want to get around to doing it somehow. So, someone who will drag me out of the barracks would be simply great. I very much like it in here but I know there is a world outside these walls that I'm really missing out on.

Must love videogames. Despite the fact that I don't play them much, I do like them. I just hate to lose... so I take breaks. And I like very specific games, so that doesn't help. But I would love to date someone who will sit up and play video games and listen to music with me for hours at a time.

Another thing. Music. Its not that big of an issue for me. Cause I can listen to almost anything but if they're like obsessed with rap music... its probably going to irritate the fuck out of me. I don't dislike it but I can't deal with it for very long. Just saying.

Then there are the basic things that I want. Like, must be old enough to get into a bar because sometimes I hang out with people who like to go to bars. Must have a decent enough job and have a vehicle. And must have their own place. Not by themselves, but can't still be living with the rents. I can't handle that. I just cannot anymore. If I come over the watch a movie and your rents are in the living room with us, that is a total No Go! Now kids... I don't much care about kids. As long as the other parent isn't like still trying to be with you or something crazy like that, its cool. I have absolutely no idea how to talk and interact with children but I'm willing to learn. They just tend to stare at me like I have an extra head, though.

I don't care about money. I only care that they have enough to take care of themselves. I don't care about them knowing how to cook or not but if they can, that's a bonus because I can't cook and don't cook. But if they're okay with fast food and microwavable stuff all the time, than so am I.

They must have a healthy sense of humor. I love when someone can make me laugh. I actually think its necessary in any type of relationship. Whether its just a friendship or whatever. My entire family cracks me up. They're the funniest people I know. So, if I'm going to date someone and spend a lot of time with them, then they have to be funny and be able to make me laugh.

They have to be ambition. Wanting something out of life means nothing unless they are actually trying to make those dreams a reality. If they enjoy reading or writing, that's a plus but not a necessity. If they like comicbooks heros and anime, also a huge bonus.

They don't have to share my crazy obsessions with certain things like Twilight, Jacob Black, Superman, Dragonball Z, The Lion King, etc, but tolerating it instead of making fun of me would be great.

And I guess, someone who doesn't want my freaking attention 24 hours a day, seven days a freaking week. When I like someone, I really like them. And really want to talk to them. To be with them. But for pete's sake, I had a life before you and I'll have one after you so just relax! I cherish "Me Time." Very much so. So please, don't try and take that away from me. It will just piss me off.

I'm sure there's more but my attention has been split for the last... two or three... maybe even more hours so, I suppose this is what I care about the most? Lol. Alright.

All The Reasons

Too afraid to fall in love. Too afraid to need someone. Too afraid to want someone. Too afraid no one will ever be enough. Too afraid that you’ll never be enough.

I feel so fucking damaged. Even when I think I like a girl there are like a million and one doubts flooding through my heads. Millions of reasons why it couldn’t or wouldn’t or just won’t fucking work out.

Every new relationship brings a new life lesson. But what does any of those lessons mean if I can’t even open up myself enough to trust anyone again? I know the two girls that I actually, truly loved, never meant to hurt me that way. But all the girls after them haven’t given a damn about hurting me and they’ve left so many stupid wounds that I can’t even begin to figure out which ones to heal first.

I like them and I’m afraid they won’t like me as much. I care and I think they won’t care about me as much. That there will be someone they will always care a great deal more for. Or we both care but they aren’t doing enough with their lives for it to ever work. Or they aren’t ready to grow up or not ready to be away from their lives or they aren’t ready for a real, serious relationship that doesn’t revolve around little kid shit.

I want them and they don’t want me. They want me and I don’t want them. I want a family and they want fun. I want fun and they want a family. I want casual and they want serious. I want serious and they want casual.

I can’t get along with their families or they can’t get along with mine. They want to keep me a secret and I refuse to be in the closet for absolutely anyone.

They want to lie. They want to date me and their friends. They want to be with me but sleep with their friends. They want to be with me but be closer to their friends. Intimate with their friends. But not with me. Or they can’t deal with the fact that I am close with my sisters and best friends, and for some reason I can’t be close with them. I can’t find the trust to open myself up enough.

They want to go out every night, get drunk every night, smoke weed and stay up all fucking night. Or they want to stay in every fucking night, never do anything, never go out with their friends or my friends or socialize at all.

Or they suck in bed. Point blank.

Or they don’t take care of themselves. Don’t have any goals. Any plans to reach their dreams. Any determination or discipline or drive or focus. They have no idea what the fuck they want out of this world and have no idea where to start to figure it out.

Or they just don’t go. There is nothing in common besides wanting the same things out of life. There’s no spark. No conversations. No humor. No connection what so ever. Just boringness.

So many reason why it’ll never work and haven’t even begun to write them all down. Just the things that came to mind at the moment. How will anyone worth it ever be found? Where do you even begin to look?

You just know that you want it. That connection. To be with someone and have it all makes sense. Have it all click and feel right and not have to be so damn alone becomes finally someone fucking gets you and understands you and wants you and loves you.

But will it ever happen? Or is it just a fucking fairy tale. Pathetic. Everyone always searching for the same things, from age 11 to age 91 and only a few every truly fucking finds it, most just settles for the best they can get.

I’d rather be along than pretend to be happy with someone that isn’t right. But I want to find someone right and never have to feel this way again.

But it’ll never happen. And I’ll always fucking feel this way.