No More Lies

God. Fearless Heart is like the worse thing I could've named this blog because my heart is in no way fearless. In fact, my heart is the one thing I fear the most about myself. Its insecure and can't be trusted. It lies and falls and tricks me every fucking chance it gets. I fear it more than I fear anything else about myself.

And yet, I want to be able to trust it. But I can't. I guess I need to rebuild the trust and that's going to take a lot of time and energy. Its not something I can just wake up after a day or two and say "Yeah, I'm ready to trust you again." Its like any other relationship I've ever been in - except that I'm deciding that one day I'll be able to trust it again when usually when someone screws me I give up completely on them.

And it sucks so much right now - my  heart, I mean - because its trying so hard to convince me that I have feelings for someone when that can't possibly be true. Kyla McDonough. Are you insane? Kyla McDonough is the coolest chick I've ever met and the most gorgeous girl I've ever laid eyes on that wasn't on TV. Her smile, her eyes, her hair, her body. How can someone look completely perfect in sweats and a T-shirt, in pajama pants and a tank top, in a evening gown, or dress or freaking jeans? How can she be completely shitfaced and still make all the girls in any room look like ugly baboons in comparision?

Kyla McDonough is amazing and the only girl that actually fits the criteria and guidelines I put on myself for women. She's intelligent, beautiful, driven, ambitious... has her own place and car and have demonstrated in every freaking tough situations I've had to see her in that she can take care of herself. We can text or call or flirt or bullshit or talk serious and its always a good time. And when she's upset its the cutest thing I've ever seen.

I like her. And she's so amazing that my heart has began to believe that is has feelings for her when she is just a friend. Just because she's the most awesome girl I've ever had the pleasure of meeting doesn't mean we should be more than friends. Maybe it just means I need to find a female as close to her as possible.

But thinking about her and dreaming about her is not going to make thing any fucking better for myself. So for 2013 I need to get over this illusion that I have any real feelings for her.

She is a good friend and I am hurting on real friends these days. So "Fearless Heart" stop trying to convince me that there is anything between Kyla and myself. Stop trying to ruin one of the few good things I have in my life. 2013 is all about things being better than they were in 2012. And fucking things up with someone that I like so much  is not a good way to change things.

Realization.

I Don't Need To Be Rescued...

And I don't want to have to rescue anyone else either. I cannot be the light at the end of your dark tunnel. I can't be your Knight in shining armor. I can't be anything that involves fucking saving you because I'm way too busy trying to save myself at the moment. That is all I have the strength for.

I understand that people have tough days. Sometimes tough weeks or months. But its a hard knock life for every fucking body. We are all having a hard life. It sucks. But do you think that anyone want to sit up and listen to your crappy fucking life all the fucking time when they are having a hard time themselves?

But that isn't really the problem, is it? You have this preprogrammed instinct that you must save every girl you catch feelings for. Something isn't perfect so you automatically assum eit needs fixing when no one ever said it did. And its even worse when they acknowledge how chaotic their lives are because then you - kind fucking you - has to try and fix it. Has to try and make it better. Its stupid and insane but that is who you are T.J. You always feels that you must help someone. That you have to show them kindness and acceptance.

That's not your job, however.

And its exactly why you need to find someone who doesn't need rescuing either. Not in that literal sense you seem to be drawn towards.

Like you said. Everyone has it tough. That is just life. You can't fucking fix everyone.

All you can do is fix yourself. All you can do is rescue yourself. All you can do it the best you fucking can for yourself. All you can do is allow others to figure shit out on their own.

Because that's the type of person you want in your life. Not someone you need to fucking save. But someone who has figured out how to save themselves. That way, you know they are strong enough to have you in their lives. Because, lets face it, you are a tough person to deal with. And not just any girl can handle you.

Too Much... Not Enough

Stupid period. I fucking hate this time of the month dude. I seriously do. Its the only time where I am completely out of control with my emotions and I get all sad and depressed and just... can't get a grip on myself. I fucking hate it. And I'm all vulnerable and I start becoming more than friendly attracted to my friends. But liking your friends is like the most retarded thing a person can do. Because relationships never last. And friendships are forever altered...

What I want... is to believe that real relationships do last. That not everyone is a liar. That some people do actually know what the fuck they want out of life. And who they are. And that they are actually trying to make something of themselves. Not planning it... not just fucking saying it but actually fucking doing it.

I know I'm not perfect. I know I have a long way to go before becoming something that I, myself, would be proud of. I'm not who I want to be yet and I'm not claiming to be better than anyone else. We all have our journey to take. We all have our mistakes to make. And none of us are done making the most of this life. But... some of us are closer to being useful members of society than others. And is that so much to ask for? Someone who is a useful member of society?

I know, I'm not one to talk. I sit up in my room all day, chatting with folks on facebook and watching awesome shows on tv, but I can take care of myself. I work 5 days a week at a decent enough job and I'm attempting to secure my future. I do want to finish school and obtain a degree. I'll get my license back one of these days... actually, within the next 30 days if I play my cards right, and I'll have a new car. And I have credit cards and decent credit. If I can something, I have enough money to buy it. I have saving accounts. I have goals that are more than just dreams. They're plans. I have ambitions. I have discipline and I try to be a good person.

And I can think. I can hold a real conversations. I'm wise and knowledgable and willing to learn. Willing to be taught. I want to do things with my life. So why the fuck can't I find anyone else like me?

They don't have to be exactly like me. I am awesome because of all the little parts about me that are cool that make me awesome as a whole. But I meet people and get to know the little parts of them and none of them are as cool as I hope. As a whole they look pretty cool. They sound pretty cool. But I get to know them... They have too many uncool parts. No ambition. No drive. No discipline. No job. No car. No healthy friends. No money. No sense of style. No confidence.

They don't have to have it all but they have to have some of it. And a sense of self. A sense of who they are. I can't take all this insecure crap. We are all insecure. That is life but you don't need to be broadcasting that shit to the world. Have a little faith in yourself, for pete's sake.

I'm seriously not trying to make it seem like there is a problem with people not being so sure of themselves. I'm just saying that I am too preoccupied with my own life to be some kind of super support system for someone else. I am 23 years old. I am very fucking busy trying to keep myself afloat. I have no time or energy to keep two fucking people afloat. I've tried that, more times than I care to admit, and in the end all it left with me was feelings of emptiness.

I know everyone is looking for a reason. But sometimes you need to be your own damn reason. Because the person you're trying to fucking lean on may not fucking be strong enough. This is why I need it to be 50/50. Why I need it to be even. We have to be on the same level.

Mel

So, this is the new girl I have in my life at the moment. Her name is Mellisa, but I think I'm going to call her Mel. So far I just call her hon and babe, but I like the sounds of Mel. Anyway. She is pretty hot, isn't she? I don't know. Its strange. She is so damn sweet and nice and friendly. I don't even know where to begin. She's 20, she lives in Tacoma. She works a lot at KFC. She's not in school yet and doesn't have a car, which are two things that I would really prefer her to have but she's twenty. And I have to remember that now everyone is me. Besides, I'm 23 and I don't have a car right now so I need to stop fucking judging. I just need to be accepting.

She's very sweet and goofy. She texts me all the time, tells me how amazing I am, how much she likes me. She really wears her heart on her sleeve and I don't want to be someone that's going to abuse that. I know I tend to. When there are girls that are crazy about me and then girls that I'm crazy about, I tend to go for the girl that screws me completely over. Cause I don't feel as if the other girl is worthy enough of me. But really, who am I? Am I worried about what friends or family will think? Because - why the fuck should I do that when none of them have to live my life? I am the one that has to be happy in the end. Beacuse in the end all they are going to care about is if they are happy or not. So I need to care about myself in that same regard.

It just hard. You want to date someone you're going to be proud to be in public with. Proud to have on your arm. But what's most important is having someone who brings happiness to your world. Who brings out the very best in you.

I enjoy talking to her. I think she's adorable. She makes me laugh. And I look forward to talk to her everyday.

She's just so young! I guess that is what's bothering me. Like right now she's on break, walking to the store for energy drinks... I don't know why that bothers me. It just does. I should be happy that she likes to stay awake so she can talk to me. Its a good thing that she enjoys me just the way I enjoy her. Somehow... the girl has to barely notice me for to be interested. All the while I'm wishing they wanted me the way I want them but once a girl comes along that actually does, I don't have any fucking interest. Or I'm 80% more suspicious of them. I already convince myslf that its never going to work out.

What is wrong with me? Why do I do this to myself?

Damn Life

I'm not saying I don't believe in marriage or that I don't believe in marriage for myself but seriously... I see the shit on TV and it just doesn't seem like something I would do. Then again, maybe that's because I always see this shit from heterosexual people on TV. And, well... I'm not heterosexual.

God. I've never said that before. I know I'm gay. I've said written that or said it out loud plenty of fucking times but saying I'm not heterosexual sounds so very strange. And so very right. I am not heterosexual and I don't want a heterosexual life. I'm all about equality. But I'm gay. I want a gay life. A lesbian life. That's what I want to be. A lesbian. My self.

Maybe I am thinking about this because Washington legalized same-sex marriage this month. I can get married one day, if I stayed here, if I wanted. If I found the right fucking woman... but I just don't feel as if I'll ever find that right fucking person. My options are so fucking slim. And I am so fucking picking. I know what I want.

My equal. My partner. Not someone I have to make. Not someone who I have to show how to be an adult. Someone who already fucking knows how. Someone who already knows who they are. Someone who realized that they are lesbian, that they love women, that men are not an option. Just because that's who I am. And I want someone who is like me. Like I said - my equal.

I feel like that's never going to happen. Finding someone who is financially secure... emotionally secure... someoen who has their life on track. It doesn't have to be completely together but things have to be on the right track. Someone who is secure with who they are. Know what they want. And keeps themselves together. Who takes care of themselves. They don't have to be obsessively into it but to care would be fantastic.

To be honest... I want them to get my humor and emotions like Nana does, to be fun and secure with themselves like Kyla, to be fearless and strong like Okazaki, and to dress and understand me like Morgan. And they need to be as driven as Tamara and as blunt, honest and intelligent as Tiara.

Want The Darkness

I guess I never really grasp the concept of what it takes to keep me sane in this world. Definitely not work. More like a delusion. I don't have anything to actually keep me sane. I don't actually have anything that is keeping my together, besides myself. I watch all these shows and just come up with more and more items to add on my list of things I don't have but want. I want a real relationship.

I'm not crazy enough to believe that true love actually exist. I mean, in the sense that there is one true love for every person. I just think there is a such thing as love being true. No games, no drama, no lies, so dishonesty. Just one person being true and remaining true to only one person. Forever.  When two people are adults it should be very easy to maintain a relationship like that but no one is ever adult enough.

I just want something that's mine. Something that is precious and dear to me, you know. Something that makes this existence actually survivable. I know that the only thing that's keeping me from collapsing, shattering to a million tiny pieces - pieces that will be very nearly impossible to put back together. I know that you have to be broken before you can build yourself back up but what else is there for me to do? That whole incident last year was pretty much rock bottom for me and I've been trying to build myself back up ever since.

But I just don't feel like its enough. I feel like I'm not doing enough. Like I'm not making very much progress. Or much of a change. Big enough of a change. What else can I do to not be me, I wonder. Working out, changing my diet, all things I am doing. But what else? I love the shows and movies I watch, I like the sense of calm they seem to give me when I watch them. Keeping up with people who have lives, I guess.

And I know I said I liked who I am. But that doesn't mean I am satisfied with who I am. Because I'm not. I want more of a change. I want more of an alteration. I just don't know what would be extreme enough. What would be enough period. I will run until my legs don't work and my chest is about to explode. I'll walk in the cold, sleep in a tent, not have any running water. But what else can I possibly do? I can't get any piercings or do anything cool with my hair. Pretty much all I can do is change my clothes and style.

I think I see what needs changing. My attitude. My thought process. Changing how I think. Why I think the way I go. Once I can figure that out, I will change automatically. Do I have to indulge myself in the darkness in order to figure that out though? Maybe I do. Maybe I should. Maybe I need to lose myself completely before I can actually figure out who it is I am supposed to be.

How do I do that? Where to I begin? Its hard to figure that out. I don't think purposefully seeking out the darkness is something people usually do. I just know that being in the light is definitely a painful thing to me. Its crazy, but I feel it. The darkness, deep inside. Trying to get me. Trying to destroy me. It hurts and consumes. But letting it take me over, especially after I've been fighting it for so damn long. Where do I begin with that shit?

I do want to go deeper. Mostly because what's the point of staying out of the darkness anymore? I literally have no reason to fucking fight it. But letting it get me doesn't really sound possible. I'm not angry depressed. I'm just alone and depressed. Lonely, I guess. But worse than that. Self hating, self loathing. I just really want to change who I am.

That same question keeps looming over me though. Where do I start? How do I begin? What would be a big enough change and where is the starting point for that?

I Give Up

I want someone I can go and have coffee or tea with. I want someone to watch movies and TV, play video games and work out with. The awkwardness of dates and knowing she likes you and her knowing you like her and enjoying the awkward moments. Late night texting and phone calls. Trying to decide who's place you're going to stay at tonight. Meeting up at the mall or movies or some restuarant. Trying to decide what to wear before you see that person. Trying to impress them. Get their attention.

I guess I will never find what I'm actually looking for. Cause, I guess I don't believe it exist. How could it? A girl that actually fits with me when I don't fucking fit anywhere, ever. I am always this unique person. I'm black and I speak properly. I dress like a boy but not a thug. A whiteboi, clean cut and preppy. I like white girls who are different, not ghetto or white trash or uneducated. And tomboys, I like other tomboys. I like One Tree Hill and Smallville and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Comics and superheroes and anime. Not stupid fucking black comedy shows and movies and reality TV. I actually like to read and buy books. I have an interesting insight on life and the things around me. I don't believe the first thing someone tells me. I don't believe in religion or anything that I can't really prove. I don't believe in hate or intolerance. I don't believe in us vs them. I don't believe that one group of people can be totally wrong with who they are. I believe people should love who they want and be who they want and that that should be the only thing that matters.

I believe in love. True, honest love. Love that has no lies or deceit. Just love. Love that fits. Love that grows with the people who are experiencing it. Love that consumes and changes you for the better. But most importantly, love that fits. Cause the love I have experienced never fits. It never goes with who I am. Its always me trying to please them but never them trying to please me. Trying to make us work. Just me.... me trying to make it work.

I guess I want someone who wants me. I've never been with someone who just wants me. Who sees me and is interested and wants to impress me. And be with me. And get to know me. And make me happy. And try to make it work with me. Instead of just the other way around. Its always the other way around. Damn it.

Whatever. I have other shit to do than feel bad about how crappy of a life I have. Its over. Done. I give up.

Thinking.

I guess what got me thinking - or on this train of thought - was watching the Once More, With Feeling episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and watching Willow and Tara. And maybe even the fact that I'm trying to read all the Twilight books before Korea so I can watch them and get back here and see the last one, and Jacob. His fierce love and how he imprints on Bella's daughter... ugh whatever. None of that matters really, but the fact that as I was walking back to work after lunch, I was thinking about love in my life. About my past loves.

Nana - who I was fiercely devoted to myself. Nothing really mattered to me but her. And its not as if I even recognized that I wanted her the way that I did. I just knew that I wanted to be near her, because things were different when I was with her. I felt loved. And I would've done absolutely anything just to be near her. Whether it was begging my mom or her mom or her boyfriend or whatever just so we could spend some time together. It didn't matter what I had to go through because being anywhere near her was totally worth it to me. And being heart broken - I guess I never really knew what it was so I never really considered that. It wasn't until moving to St. Louis that I realized anything at all about myself, so the most intense pain I can even remember with her was leaving her and moving away. Which, I suppose is a good thing. I remember the depression and how much it sucked but the heartbreak part... not much of a memory for me. But I remember how much I loved her and I know she was the first person I ever loved that way, no matter what I might've said back then.

And then Morgan. When I think back to that point in time I just remember how happy I was to be with her. It was like she was the sun in a stormy day or something. Talking to her just instantly made my day. Learning more about her and falling for her was actually a nice time in my life. She made me feel cared for. Like loved. She made me realize that someone actually could love me for me and no other reason. Not because they were getting something else from pretending to love me but loving me made her happy and that made me happy. And I guess that's why it was so hard for me to get over her then. She was the first person I ever hoped to have a future with. Before then, I never saw it. Never even thought it was possible that I could fall in love with someone and be with that person for an extended period of time. And not just love but be in love. She gave me hope and that affected me more than I ever thought. More than I ever knew was even possible. And even now, those feelings are mostly gone. I don't yearn for her the way I used to but she still makes me happy and gives me some kind of hope. Like, life won't always suck.

Then there's Heather. I don't think I ever loved her the way I loved Nana and Morgan. I was devoted to them in a way that I never knew. It was like - and kind of still like - I will never foresaken them. If they need me than nothing will stand in my way to be there for them. Well, I will do everything within my power to help them, is more like it. I will always love them. Like I couldn't make it go away even if I wanted to try. But even though I never felt that way for Heather, I was willing to do anything for her. I just wanted her to be happy and I'd do anything to give her that happiness. I wanted to love her. I wanted to give her everything. Wanted to want it, you know.

And I guess that was kind of how I was with Kelly. I just wanted to do all I could for her. But I realize that I was always so focused on trying to make her life better because if I wasn't focused on that then I would realize that I wasn't happy with her. Same with Heather. I didn't get anything out of those relationships but heartbreak and life lessons. I suppose the life lessons were worth it. But I still would've liked to be with someone who would have a greater, more positive impact on me.

Nana and Morgan... yeah, it killed when they didn't return my love and it took me to such a dark place and it was hell digging myself out of that place, but I genuinely love those two. What would ever be worth trading that for? Nothing. I feel as if I could never stop loving them. I don't know if they could ever stop loving me, though.

And I guess that brings me to my point. I want to fill the way I felt with them. I suppose in each instance. I want someone to look at me with love. I thought Kelly had and even Heather but they only ever looked at me like "I'm going to miss you so much when you're gone" type of way. I want someone who is going to look at me like they just love me and want me and treasure me. I want someone who will fit into my life seamlessly. I know that people will always change your life a little when they come into it, but you shouldn't always be aware of that change. You shouldn't always be thinking of what you'd be doing (or in Caitlin's case, what I'd rather be doing) if they weren't there. I should be able to do that something with them there. Watching Buffy, being on Facebook, Skyping with Morgan, calling my family, texting my friends, playing my xbox, etc. It should all just fit together. I'm not saying there wouldn't be kinks cause of course there would be, but it should be kinks and not major interruptions to my life or theirs. Like its not supposed to be a hardship to fit someone into your life - more specifically your everyday life. Because things will change. But they should be necessary changes. Not doing the things you enjoy or having to drastically change your life for them is not a necessary change. Its a sign that things are not meant to work out.

And I suppose its hard for me to distinguish that because I'm a big believer in doing whatever you have to in order to make things work with someone you think you love. I.e. moving. Sometimes it happens and its necessary, especially if you're in the military. There is just no way around it. But should your family be so against it that you are questioning absolutely everything about what we are doing? That is a sign its not supposed to work. Of course your family isn't going to like it but a real family would support you and be happy for you regardless. And if they can't and you value their opinions that much than its not going to work.

Never Going To Happen

I really need to find someone new to focus on cause this Santoyo thing is getting a tad bit ridiculous, even for me. Hm. Maybe I should say, especially for me. Today, I actually thought about saying something to her. Well, I mean, it wasn't a conscious thought but it was definitely in the considering realm of my mind. She started off with talking about this girl she likes - who happens to be black - that is a SSG from another FOB and asking for gift advice for the chick's birthday and somehow that morphed into talks about not finding the right person at age 40 and how we should just get married if that happens. And then my computer went all crazy and she thought she freaked me out but I assured her that wasn't the case. And then there was a boom over there and she said brb so I said don't freak Mayo out, hurry back and what not. And she said everything was fine and even called me love. Hm.

There is definite flirting that happens with this girl. Of course I asked her what she would like for her birthday which is coming up and she kept saying nothing and that for me to not abandon her. And I said that was never going to happen. Which it won't. I can't see how I would ever want to not be friends with her. Then again, this whole developing a crush on her thing may actually change that. Ugh.

I just wish I was more adult about this whole thing. The prospect of putting any of myself out there for the world to see - any tiny piece at all - and I clam up. I shy away from it. I try to make it seem like that piece isn't true. Isn't real. Ugh. I know that Toyo doesn't see me any way except for as a friend and maybe a good friend of her ex-girlfriend but that's about it. All the flirting is just because she doesn't have anyone else to flirt with. And the same can definitely be said of me. As cool as Toyo is, I probably wouldn't be thinking this way if I had someone else to focus on.

And then I sit back and I wonder what it is I want in the form of a girl. Small frame, I suppose. Like skinny but not super fucking skinny. Like athletic, maybe a little muscular. Definitely more tomboy than girly. Like to visit the gym, if not play sports. Likes to read, especially big on lesbian books. Enjoys anime and comics. Superheros. Likes Friends, Buffy, Smallville, One Tree Hill. Or at least willing to watch them. And they do not, under any circumstance, like dumb fucking reality shows.  They do, however, have their own taste and own mind to think with.

Personality wise, they are funny and serious and sarcastic and quiet. They enjoy talking but not talking too much. They can convey their thoughts effectively, without all this shy nonsense. They can tell me how it is, you know. Say what they mean. What they want. They are open and honest and nonjudgemental. They have their baggage, like everyone, but they know how to not allow it to affect their lives.

Ah. That would be great, wouldn't it? Someone who could get me. Could understand me. Can relate to me. Can sit in my room with me and do their own things: homework, movies, reading, facebooking; and is totally comfortable. And, the big thing, they want to be with me. They want to kiss me and feel me and have sex with me. Not becaue they love getting off but because they love the closeness of us being with one another. That's the real tricky part. Not just finding someone who finds me attractive that I also find attractive, but being close with them. Knowing them and having them know me back. That's what's most impossible.

That's why I think I will never find it. Because finding someone who actually wants to be with me - not because they are desperate to be with anyone - is never going to happen. Ugh. It sucks. I am depressed now.

I Think I Get It

I wonder how long its going to take before I find someone that distracts me the way Santoyo does. Damn me and my obsessive personality. Have to be absorbed with something - someone. Have to have someone to distract me. To take this terrible feeling and stiffle it somehow.

I know I'm craving some human interaction right now. And now just over the facebook or at work but for real. But I can't. So, until then I should just focus on working out and reading as much as possible and I don't know... writing. I can't focus on what I don't have.

But, I have realized what it is about Buffy the Vampire Slayer that gets me so settled yet so unsettled. Willow was my first crush. In fact, it was watching Willow on the show that I came to be big revelation that I like girls. It was such a big deal to me then. Lol. And I guess watching the show brings me back to that person - back to the girl I was. And reminds me of what I wanted then and what I still want now.

I keep thinking I heart Willow so much and want a girl to be like her but what I really want is to be like Tara. The part where Willow goes "I just like having something that's just mine," and then Tara response with "I am you know; yours." That is so magical to me. I want to belong to someone. I want to be someone's. It feels like its never going to happen but that is what I want. What I crave. What I thrive for. Truly thrive for.

It breaks my heart that I can't. I think that maybe because I want to belong to someone that maybe I just need a guy - okay, I don't really believe that but my thoughts go there somewhere. However. Buffy and Riley, they are two attractive people and they are hot together. But their relationship doesn't move me like Willow and Tara. I long to have what they have. To experience that with someone else. That's what I want.

Someday, I keep hoping. And I will continue watching. And keep trying to create characters that move me the way those two do, so that my characters can one day move others. Maybe that is my only purpose in life. To create something that will help someone else down the road. Maybe my destiny isn't to be happy. But to write about those who actually find happiness. I'm still going to keep trying though. Keep looking. Keep hoping. I refuse to accept that my destiny is supposed to be misery.

Yep - Good Plan

I just want to wake up one day and have it all mean something. For all the pain and bullshit I've felt and been through actually have a purpose. A meaning.

Maybe that is why I am so fond of Santoyo. I think I can relate to her on some level. A level she is not even willing to admit. I dunno. I guess its something I've never admitted to anyone else besides myself either. I just wish we were close enough that we could admit stuff like this for each other.

Yeah - I know how insane that is. I can't expect Santoyo to be someone that I can relate to for that bound I need. I just need someone that can understand who I am and what I've gone through and what I'm going through still.

It hurts being alive sometimes. Sometimes I ask myself why I'm still alive. I wonder if I should just... end it. I never get an answer for that. I get a conclusion that maybe things would be better if I wasn't but I've never gotten to the point where I start planning my own end. I guess that's a good thing. But thinking about it every day... Every once in a while thinking that I should end it. Nearly every single day thinking that I should at least hurt myself. That it would feel better to do that, or at least hurt less to do that, or hurt enough that it would minus out the pain inside.

But who can I tell that too? Who could ever be trusted enough to know that part of me? Who could ever be trusted enough to know that that's pretty much all of me? The only part of me. End the pain. But a stop to it.

At work, they make a big deal about how "Its a permanent solution to a temporary problem" but how is that possible? I've been feeling this way all my life, for as far back as I could possible remember. So how it that temporary? So far, its been a constant for 23 years. Okay, maybe 20, but that's all of my coherent life. I'm thoroughly convinced that temporary is not at all what this feeling is.

I've gotten to a point where it doesn't kill me quite as much as it used to. I don't resort to crying all the time or feeling bad for myself or hurting myself. I think about it, even want to do it, but I don't.

There's no one I can ever tell that to. I want there to be someone but there isn't. I know that I can't relate to Morgan or Nana on that level. I mean I can' relate to their pain and confusion but they can't relate to mine.  They don't even have a clue of how bad I hurt constantly, every second of every day.

But Santoyo. I think that I can relate to hers to a point that spending time with her may help the ebb the pain a little. Or maybe even help me forget. I think its because she needs someone she can be more of herself with and that is definitely possible with me. I won't judge her for any part of herself, so a good friendship can develop from that. And we can spend time with one another and not feel quite so alone. And that's what I need right now. Not a relationship or a girlfriend but a friend I can relax around. I'm really not that bad of a person to live with, once I feel that I can relax, you know.

I don't even know what the point of this blog is anymore. I'm totally off topic and everywhere. I just want someone I can fucking relate to. But since I can't and there is no one... I will focus obsessively on working out, eating better, saving money and buying anything and everything I want - and seeing anyone I want and going anywhere I want.

Yep - Good plan.

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There's nothing with me flirting with Santoyo, right? When we don't talk, I swear I'm okay. I don't really think about what we talked about or whatever. I do kind of miss her so when I'm on facebook I send her a message - especially when I think she's online but I don't do it very often. I don't think. Some days go by before I decide to hit her up. And there's nothing wrong with saying that I miss her or want to see her...

Maybe not. Maybe I do make a point to say "I'm dying to miss you" or "I'll be your travel buddy" or whatever. Ugh. Okay. I flirt with her a little and she flirts back, but its all in good fun, you know. I mean, its not intimate. If she says that scary movies makes her want to cuddle or if she needs human contact she'll try to cuddle with someone, that doesn't really mean much. Does it? Its not like we've cuddled. Or that I plan on cuddling with her. So no lines have been crossed. Right?
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I don't know. I think that definitely given the chance, if me and her were alone watching a movie in bed today, especially a scary one, I would probably cuddle a little. But that's only because I'm so deprived of human contact myself.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm attracted to Santoyo. No big surprised there. She is definitely the kind of girl I'd be into physically. She's white, brown hair, sad eyes, athletic. My type. But Morgan is also my type and as attracted to her as I am, I don't lose my cool when I'm around her. We met because I was attracted to her and as awesome as the sex would be, I don't see her that way. So - how is Santoyo any different? Just because we don't have the best friend barrier, doesn't mean I would jump Santoyo's bones if we were ever alone together.

But I so would, wouldn't I? I don't have to want to start a relationship with someone to be into them right? And being into them doesn't mean I can't be friends with them, right? Plus, I rather enjoy the subterfuge, if you know what I mean. I like being attracted and having not mean anything but friendship. I kinda miss thatfasdf. Makes things exciting and I miss tormenting myself that way, you know. Santoyo never has to be into me and I'm A-Okay with that. In fact, I prefer it.

I think that fact that I don't want to be Santoyo's girlfriend but crave her attention is a good thing. And if, someone, there was some human contact between us, that wouldn't be a bad thing. And I don't really think it would be considered betraying Okazaki. She's so over Santoyo it's kind of... sad. Santoyo loved her so much and Okazaki just didn't feel the same way. No one's fault but, if Zaki never loved her that way than how is it wrong for me to think about a little contact from Toyo?

Maybe because you were there during all of their relationship stuff, for both of them, and

Twenty Five

I never thought I'd make it past the age of 25. When I was younger, I was sure that I'd off myself before I ever reached that age. Even still, I can't see myself past age 25. I think I stopped imagining what my life would be like past the age of 17... I guess I've never had a plan for my life, really.

In high school, I was so preoccupied with trying to survive it that I never gave much thought to what I would do once it was over. A snappy decision led me to college. Two days after the first day, I decided to move into the dorms and that led me down a totally different path than I ever thought possible.

I think its that same decision making skills that led me to the Army. I was miserable and wanted a way out - to something different, something better and that's what led me to the military. Three and a half years into something that I never really knew I wanted to do and I decided that I wanted to do something else. Never really realizing that the end result actually was something I wanted. I was just too miserable to see it. My depression clouded my judgment, as it always had.

Now I am in the military and still have unfinished business with school that I would love to rectify. That I need to rectify.

Thinking back, I realize that I've never had a plan or ever really seen anything or hoped for. I never saw Nana coming. I never thought this friendship would last as long as it has or grown into what it has. I never thought I'd love her kids like they were my blood neice and nephew. Infact, I love them more than my blood nieces and nephews; I love Nana more than I love my own siblings. Well, the siblings on my dad's side. She is a sister to me.

I never knew Morgan would be my best friend either. Espectially considering how things started with her, I definitely never knew that I would love her quite this much. I figured I'd end up hating her but that couldn't be any further from the truth. I'd do anything for her.

And the two of them actually love me back, which is the more bizarre of it all. They rely on me and think highly of me. They want me around. They are actually begging me to come visit. I wish I could make time to see them both more often. They're sad that I can't. I never really thought I'd have people who loved me that way.

Then there are my sisters. There was a point in time when I disliked them both. Tamara hated my guts and Tiara ignored me, but they've been so damn supportive of who I ended up being. Especially Tiara, who I was sure was ashamed of me. She found out I was homosexual and was fiercing protective of me. Even now, her best friend or boyfriend could say something bad about homosexuals and she'd jump down their throat in a second. In fact, I think she loves telling folks I'm gay because she's actually proud of it. And even though Tamara used to use my sexuality as a weapon against me when we fought, she had never actually shown she has a problem with me. Even though it must've been embarassing, being in high school and people know your older sister was gay - I mean, I know how teenagers can be and how hard it is in high school - but she loves me. Its crazy. She misses me and wants me to come visit her.

Besides, we have more in common than I thought. Neither of us are good as showing affection yet I know she loves me and I love her back. I really couldn't imagine being at odds with either of them. I don't know how I would make it through life without either of them. I need them. I realize this. And I never would've thought that I would love them so much as to need them.

And of course, there is my mother. Who has been the harder person in the world to live with but my love for her is something I can only begin to understand. If anyone has ever pushed me, it was her. It took her so long to finally just love me for me but she does and I can appreciate what it took to get her there. For parents, especially of her generation, to have a daughter like me, its hard. She wants the world to think one thing, so that she can think the same of herself, and then to have such a strong-willed, difficult and very different child like me, it takes a lot. It has its toll. I can't be upset that she just didn't know how to love a kid like me. But she's figured it out. And she realizes that me being gay is not only a non-issue but it doesn't change who I am. Its only a part of who I am. But its not who I am. If that makes sense.

Considering all of this and what I have in my life, one would think inner peace would be easy. I have people who love me and think that I am one impressive fucking person. Yet the emptiness persist. Yet the question I still have lingering in the back of my mind, is will I actually make it to 25? And why can't I even plan for past that? I can say it, that I want to have a kid by the time I am 25, that I want to be a completely different person and that I want to be mature and steady and be on track and be close to someone I myself can be proud of. I want to be closer to my dreams.

But what are my dreams and how come I don't feel strong enough to reach them? How do I get to a point where I will be strong? I want to see past twenty-five. I want to have a plan past twenty-five. Maybe I am just afraid of being disappointed in myself. Like real disappointed. I don't think I can deal with the devastation.

Restless

I'm not sure what triggered this a few days ago but I am extremely restless. I'm just so sad all of a sudden. I mean, I'm always sad. I'm always depressed. There has been a single day for as far back as I can remember that I haven't been depressed. It just so happen that for some reason this week, it is slowly killing me. And I don't want to make the mistake of getting attached to someone due to my vulnerable state.

I know that finding someone worth being with it never going to really happen. I would really love to have someone I can relate to and be with but I know that's never going to happen. I'm not really sure what my issue is exactly.

And I think that's just that issue. Too much opportunities to feel. If I'm not working or sleeping then I am thinking about how tragically alone I really am. And I just need to find something to help myself not think or feel. That also intails working out. I definitely don't feel this way when I'm working out.

I think what's got me all crazy is the interruption of my routine this past week due to the stupid fucking FTX, and also my period. It totally got me off track. I really just need to scrap this last week or whatever. Sleep it off. And then tomorrow I will go to the gym. Run it out. Sweat it out. And attempt to get my life back on track.

Also, have to remember to get up and go to the PX so I can get a gym back and some other stuff. Maybe just shop around a bit. I just need to fucking chill. I guess I'm glad I'm getting out of here on Sunday because Washington is seriously no good for me.

Trouble - Need Change

Okay, I was really debating on where I should put this blog  because of the whole concept of this particular blog. This is supposed to focus on my heart and emotions and feelings and whatnot. And I didn't think I should categorize this as involving one of those because then it would make it more than what it actually is. But then I decided that is does have SOMETHING to do with my feelings or sorts so I might as well just bite the bullet and write it here.

I need to find a great distraction than just TV and writing. Its becoming clear to me that I am in fact becoming lonely and I am in fact becoming depressed about it. I'm yearning for human contact and its coming out in the wrong way.

Bottomline, I have to do something about my eagerness to talk to Santoyo. Lately, I've been jumping at the chance to facebook her and speak with her. And I don't want to become too attached. I mean, I'm already attached to her. She is a very good friend, someone I've come to genuinely care about and that doesn't happen very often. I am actually a tiny bit concerned about her being deployed and I actually do want to live close to her so I can visit and hang out. I want prolonged interaction with her I guess, on a more permanent basis but I don't want that to develop into anything else. I know I have a tendency to develop crushes on those close to me, especially in times like this when I'm so lost and alone but not Santoyo and for many different reason. One being, she doesn't think of me that way and I'm sure I don't want her to. And two, Okazaki's who's friendship is more important than a crush I might develop on her ex. If by some weird twist of fate, myself and Toyo ever became involved in anyway, Zaki would say she's okay with it by I'd doubt she would. Our friendship would be forever altered, if not ruined and I do not want that. I know we don't speak the way we used to but that friendship is important to me. I rely on it in a way.

So, to deter myself I need to find a hobby or at least something sufficient enough to focus on so that I find quite so much pleasure in speaking with her. Ugh. And I can not flirt with her. That is so bad. I'ts just been so long since I've found someone worth flirting with and actually fun to flirt with. Flirting with Kelly wasn't even enjoyable. There was no excitement at all with her. Just a lot of fucking pitty and a lot of fucking hoping.

I really just wish that I could change. I really just wish that I could become someone different - better - that who I was last year and the year before that. Its quite annoying, feeling as if you haven't improved at all. When it feels like you are the same exactly loser you were before. Or worse, that you have become more of a loser than you used to be... that you have less that you used to, that you are less than what you were.

I'm working on it. but this week I feel as if I haven't made any progress whatsoever. And I hate that feeling. Its no wonder no girls actually worth it have become interested. And why I don't have a single friend in Washington. God. I hate who I am. Change must happen so or who knows what will become of me...

Rewrite

Me and Kelly are pretty much over. We are just waiting around,waiting for one of us to admit that its over. I'm not all that sad about it. She broke my heart and my trust and didn't even care about the what would happen to me once she was gone. And now that she is back in St. Louis her life is worse than ever. Which, I knew would happen. I knew if she stayed there nothing good would come of it. Her family is a piece of shit and they are just so okay with being that way. They don't strive for better. They are okay with just skating by. With living month to month, pay check to pay check, in bug infested, disgusting apartments and houses, never owning anything of value but the antique sewing machine from their grandmother or whatever. Smoking and drinking their lives away. Baby mama drama, never marrying or being truly in love. Never graduating high school or even getting a GED, never attempting college or getting a degree or having a career that doesn't consist of drawing tattoes and being a cook at some bar and grill.

I thought Kelly was different. I thought she wanted better but all she wants is to be like her family. So I'm going to let her. Even though I loved her and wanted her and dreamed of a future with us, its never going to happen. I feel like everyone as a kid, goes through that drinking and partying and working part time thing. But she is not willing to grow out of that, to grow up and try to join the real world.

I don't know about her but I want better. I want to have a career and degree. I want nice things. I want to own a car and eventually own the place I live in and have savings accounts and investment accounts and vacation in new and exciting places. I want a family. I want my kids not to have to suffer the way I did. I want to retire in 20 years and then become an author and not have to worry about how much later years will be because I have plans and back up plans and children who do not hate my guts because I put them through hell as children. I really don't want to say I want better than her, but I want better than what she is willing to be. She can't even get her GED. She just spends her days with her mom or brothers, swimming and drinking and acting like a child. I want someone who is willing to grow up. To take life seriously. To make sacrifices and  work hard for what they want, even if it takes blood, sweat and tears. Not someone who spends weeks and weeks pouting about her sucky life is and how they are pieces of shit and not good enough.

We all feel that way. Then we get off our lazy asses and come up with a plan and then execute that plan. I more than anyone I know have battled depression. I am still battling it. Shit, I am depressed right now but I'm not going to just give up, even though there are times when I really, really want to. I say it out loud, think about it, lock myself in my room, drink, blow money and pout. And then I get up and do something to change things. If its one thing I have learned about my self is that when I really want something, I will find a way to get it. I wanted money and a future, so I joined the military. I want a car, I got it. I wanted to travel, I found a way. Its not always easy, in fact, its always fucking hard as shit and I always fuck things up along the way, but I find a way. And I will find a way to make things better after totally ruining my life and my bank account because I wanted Kelly. I'm over it. I'm over being heart broken, I'm over being angry, I'm over feeling sorry for myself, I'm over blaming her. I'm just over all of it. It happened, I fucked up, it was a mistake, not its time to move on. I'm only 23. I have at least 50 more years left in me. I'm not going to waste another year, the way I wasted 2012. 2013 will be different. A new Tiffany. A new everything. I will change, I will thrive, I will succeed. And I don't need a female to do that. I'm done thinking that I need someone else in myself to validate everything I've been through and done for myself. I know what I want now.

Love Is A Lie

Love is a lie. Everything about love is a complete and utter lie. We watch these fucking movies and TV shows and read these books and get it in our heads that there is someone out there for us. Someone meant only for us. Someone who will take away the pain and make the bullshit of this world seem less shitty. Someone who you can love with all of your heart and who will love you the same in return. But that's such a fucking lie. Because you can love someone until you're blue in the fucking face, do everything you can for them, dedicate yourself to them and only them, give them the sun and the moon and just love them... accept them, support them, in every way imaginable and guess what? They won't love you back. They won't want you back. You won't be enough for them.

I thought that if Kelly moved here that we would be happy. That I could give her all the shit she doesn't have back in Missouri, all the love and support a person can give her, a nice, awesome place to stay, a life that isn't engulfed with drugs and alcohol and abuse. A life that is filled with love.

But yeah. That isn't enough. Its our second month anniversary today... she has only been in Washington 7 days, and this relationship is already over.  Its completely fucking over. She wants to go back home to a family that ignores her until she is ready to leave their asses. Brothers who beat the shit out of her, parents who forgot she even existed. Parents who gave her room away to people who don't fucking deserve is. Parents who allowed her to be abused and misused for years... who allowed her to be so depressed that she cut and mutilated her body, almost fucking killed herself who knows how many times. A job who only gave her 2 days a week. A dog that loved her bullshit ex more than her. A life that was just filled with pain.

Yeah. Love is a lie. Its nothing, actually. Its not enough for the one you love to stay. Its not enough to keep a person on their feet. Its not enough for anything. Its just nothing, really. Its a bullshit lie we are told from infancy. A lie we are told to explain why your parents and friends and family mistreat and use you. A lie we are told to explain why someone hurt you, or beat you, or just made you feel like crap for no reason. Its a lie that makes heart ache and heart break possible. Just a fucking lie.

Friendship...

So, I'm packing up my room right now and realizing that all I have is a bunch of small shit and its super annoying and I suck at this packing shit. Oh well. Has to be done. It would be a lot easier if I had a car or someone I could rely enough to move all my shit in one lump sum but I do appreciate Vanessa's help. I just wish.... I dunno. I wish I had a friend who was just a friend for friendships sake. I'm tired of friendships based off of attraction. Like I know that you have to have some kind of attracton to someone to want them around all the time but its driving me nuts. I know Vanessa likes me but the feeling isn't mutual. Meaning that I can't really call her a real friend. Either the attraction is going to go away or she's going to get sick of pining over me and that friendship is going to be over with.

Thankfully, Morgan doesn't have any feelings for me but there is that tiny ounce of a feeling I have for her that won't go away. Maybe its a good thing that I have it because I refuse to allow our friendship to go to hell. So, that's good. But, I can't deal with getting jealous over dumb shit and yelling at each other all the time and being angry and upset. Like. I know friends fight but our friends are so different. I just want our friendship to be a friendship. I want to be able to count on her when I need it. I want to know that she will come for special occasions and that our future families will be family also. I want to know that in five years, if I get married or have a kid or end up in the hospital that Morgan will be there. But I can't even get her to come for my birthday.

And then there is Nana. The first girl I ever loved so that is super complicated already isn't it. At least those feelings have long sense faded and I know that the love between me and her is a love that will never really go away. I don't have to fight to keep her in my life. She just is. And will always be. So. At least that is something I can really count on. I know that no matter where her life takes her or where life takes me, the two of us are solid. Maybe its because we had that time together to really build a foundation for our friendship. Sleeping over, camp, drives back and forth to see each other, spending time with each other's families, fighting with our families because we couldn't see each other, and then the goodbyes. I mean. We have that history that can't be erased and can only be built on. Still. She is in Chicago and I am in Washington and... we are literally living two completely opposite lives...

And that ends my long list of good friends. I mean. I have Okazaki and Santoyo but they are AIT friends and we haven't really spoken in weeks about anything real so talking to them is just... weird. Its only been a year since we've known each other and one of in Hawaii and the other is in Germany (though, deployed to Afghanistan at the moment) so there is no facetime with them. Hopefully, visits but that won't be for who knows how long... until I can get a car and insurances and have enough saved in the bank that a trip to say, another island, doesn't completely break my bank, you know.

I guess. I just want a group of friends... not even a lot... maybe one or two, that is here. With me. That I can count on. That I can truly trust. That I can watch movies with, go drinking with, chill with, go on crazy adventures with. Kelly. My love Kelly, will be here soon and will be able to do all of that fun stuff with me. Yes, finally one of my dreams is actually coming true. But she is my girlfriend. My world. My sun and moon. My future family. She is my girl. And as great a friend as she is not and will become one day, she isn't just a friend and I want someone who can be my just a friend. Someone with no strings attached. Someone that doesn't secretly want to date me or fuck me or steal me from my girlfriend. I just want someone who can be like a brother or sister or family and just be there for me the way I will be there for them.

Yeah. That is pretty much impossible, huh?

Analyzing

““I love you” means that I accept you for the person that you are, and that I do not wish to change you into someone else. It means that I will love you and stand by you even through the worst of times. It means loving you even when you’re in a bad mood, or too tired to do the things I want to do. It means loving you when you’re down, not just when you’re fun to be with. “I love you” means that I know your deepest secrets and do not judge you for them, asking in return that you do not judge me for mine. It means that I care enough to fight for what we have and that I love you enough not to let go. It means thinking of you, dreaming of you, wanting and needing you constantly, and hoping you feel the same way for me.”

So, it is safe to say that I am so very much in love with Kelly Brown. But there is STILL a part of me that is unsure about this relationship. I wish there was a way to figure out how serious Kelly is about this relationship. I mean, I know how serious she is but there is always the lingering worry in the back of my mind. People start questioning everything and then they make me start questioning." Like maybe she's using you just to move." Doubt it. "Maybe she's seeing her exboyfriend behind your back." Highly doubt that. "Maybe she's really straight and this is just a gay phase for her right now." Ugh. That is actually a real worry of mine. Along with, maybe she will get sick of me one day or realize that I am not what she wants to spend the rest of her life with or that maybe she doesn't love me like she thought she did.

Ugh. All these worries and fears and insecurities. Driving me absolutely nuts. I don't know how to quiet them. I'm thinking maybe I should start devulging my own secrets but you know, no one else knows anything about them. And I think the reason why I have never told anyone is because no one really wants to know. I think that is the sign I've been waiting for all these years. And the reason why I never expected any of those other relationships to ever really work out. No one really wants to know me.

No one wants to know about my writing. No one even wants to read them, let alone talk about what they did or did not like about it. Tell me their opinions or get invested in the story or the characters. No one wants to know why I love superheros so much or which ones I love the most and what about this makes them my favorites. No one ever wants to know me. So why give up any part of myself?

Absolutely Nothing Night

Kelly is driving me absolutely crazy with the shit that is going on in her life right now. I know I'm not supposed to really complain about trying to be a good girlfriend. I am just fucking tired of this Dave and Jamie bull shit. They are terrible people. Dave is this unstable, possibly bi-polar douche back ass-hole and Jamie is terrible, selfish, egotistical, horrible fucking mother who are both alcholics and drug addicts. All they do is sit up in their dirty fucking home and drink and smoke and pop pills while the baby is in the other room. These people are just... the worse fucking people a person could be involved with. All they do is live shitty lives and they want everyone else to live shitty lives and when they don't live shitty fucking lives, they get upset.

She has a right to be upset about the bullshit in her life but I don't understand why she is so upset that she has to be all depressed and moopy. She really made it seem to me like she didn't give a fuck about Dave. That he has basically just been stalking her and she has been nice by not telling him to fuck off. When really, I think there are some feelings for him somewhere. If she does, she should just fucking say so. I can not stand secrets. I can't stand feelings as if there is something I don't know that I should know. Something that is depremental to our relationship.

She gets upset and she smokes and she drinks and then she has these anxiety attack things and her stomach swells and she can't breath and just everything. Its ridiculous. All this negative fucking bullshit she does when something bad happens just drives me crazy. I don't understand it. I'm just fucking tired of dealing with these people. I don't even know these people and they are affecting my relationship.

Is it wrong to want a happy, healthy relationship? And to want honesty? And to want my girlfriend to be happy?

I just miss her so damn much. Its not fair that these horrible people like Jamie and Dave get to live near her and have her in their lives when they don't appreciate it. They had the chance to have an amazing person in their lives and they are upset because she is better than them. I wish she lived near me. I miss her.

I just want to be with her. I just want to hold her when I'm sad. Its not fair that we're apart. Its not fair that we belong together but we aren't together. I feel like the world is punishing me still...

I feel like everything is still trying to punish me. Still can't fucking drive a car. Can't even get my license without paying a shit ton of fucking money. I can't afford a car and who knows when I will fucking be able to afford one. I'm still broke.

May 3rd to May 13th

I just spent the best week and a half with the most amazing girl I've ever met and being away from her right now feels so much worse than I thought it would be. I knew being away from her was going to be hard, in addition to going back to work tomorrow. But... I just didn't fucking grasp just how hard this was going to be. I'm depressed as fuck. Once I get to PT in the morning, it probably won't be too terrible or it will at least not last forever, but the idea of going to be without Kelly is heartbreaking. And the idea of not seeing or talking to her at all tomorrow... is just unbearable.

Hence... the 24 oz I bought and am almost done with. I have bills and appointments and I'm all alone. Being apart from her is just tearing me apart. I didn't realize how hard it would be to be away from her.

Being with her was absolutely amazing. Since the second I stepped off the plane and saw her waiting for me at the gate. To saying goodbye this morning. She is still the same crazy girl I fell for all those years ago.

I just keep thinking about us being together. Her eyes, her touch, her kiss. I miss being in her arms, I miss holding her hand, I miss cuddling her at night. I miss everything about her. She balled her eyes out when we had to say goodbye and I can't get that image out of my mind. I just miss her so much.

I am more determined than ever to get her out here. I need her. And I think she needs me too. I hope she does. Because I am so much better with her than I am without her. I need her by my side. I am dreaming of the day that we are together again.

Kelly's 20th Birthday

Today is Kelly's birthday. My baby is 20 years old today. Its so weird to think that I've known her since she was 16. I can't really believe that shit. Its funny, because she is pretty much the same person she was back then. Still goofy. Still hilarious. Still allows things like this to happen to her. Lol. She got home from work and had a birthday cake waiting for her from her family. She laid on the floor and they placed a birthday cake on her tummy. And then her brother decided to attack her with silly string. Think he might have gotten a little carried away.

I don't think I would've enjoyed having this done to me... in fact, this might piss me off a little bit because I love my clothes so much but I can tell she enjoyed this. I dunno how she likes crazy things like this. Lol. But the fact that she does is just one of the many reasons why I love her so damn much. She is just the weirdest dork ever, and her family cracks me up, but I really like these people. And I really love her. I really wish I could've been there for her birthday. It kind of makes me sad that I had to miss out. But next year... we will have each other next years. And at least I get to spend mine with hers.

I know I was upset when she told me she'd be working most of the time that I'm in town. It sucked to hear and I don't really know what I'm going to be doing while she's working. Like I know I told her not to really take off but I figured she'd have her regular days off, at least. Oh well. I will just find something to do, I guess. I am just glad I get to see her soon. Four more official days. Only 4 more days... out of like 4 years. I can't even hold in my anticipation. I already started packing. Lol. I can not wait until my plane touches down in St. Louis and I get to wrap her in my arms. And kiss her for the first time. Its all I can really think about. I doubt I'll even be able to take my eyes off of her or my hands off of her for even a second. I wish I had enough money for a hotel... but, sadly, I'm broke. I did still manage to a book she really wanted by her favorite author, though. She should be getting it by the time I see her. Lol.

I love her so much. I didn't even think it was possible to love someone the way that I love this girl. Things are just so perfect. We are complete opposites, from two totally different worlds. She doesn't like anime or superheros and she refuses to try Asian food, but she still makes my heart pound. She asks why I picked her when we're so different and all I can think is that she was made for me. Two sides of the same coin. I didn't choose her. My heart fell for hers. Lol. Maybe that sounds lame but its 100 percent true.

My Baby

My Baby

So, Kelly's birthday is tomorrow, so I sent her flowers and she finally got them today.

Let me just say that surprising her has to be the hardest thing in the world to do! She told me that she doesn't work on Fridays, so I put the date for Friday and to be sent to her mother's house. Cept, Thursday night she decides that she's going to her dads to rip up the carpet.

So I started freaking out. She ended up spending the night. I called Friday and changed it to Saturday, thinking she would go to her dads Friday. Instead, she goes to Jamie's. So at this point, I'm like screw it!

Lol. I wanted it to be delivered TO HER. Instead, her brother got them and told her that something was delivered to her but he didn't say what it was or who it was from. Gotta love her brother.

So finally, after a day out with Jamie and her daughter at the mall, she finally made it home. I was on the phone with her when she got them. I kind of lied and said I didn't send her anything when her brother had called earlier, but of course I wasn't going to confess. After how fucking hard it was to keep it a secret in the first place. I almost told her like a thousand times to just go home so she could get them. I did learn one thing though! The next time I want to surprise her, its going to have to be super, extra stealthy. Granted, being so far away, doing anything for her is going to be ten times more difficult than it would be if we were at least living in the same state. When we're living together, I'm probably going to have to hide stuff in the barracks if I want to keep them a secret. Lol.

I know she's like 2,000 miles away but things have been so great with her. Better than it has been with any girl I've dated... probably in the last 4 years. She's so amazing. She's kind, attenative, silly, funny, caring, cute, sexy, understanding. She loves me exactly the way I am and isn't afraid to be 100 percent of herself. She tells me everything. She's always honest. She's always asking my opinion on things in her life. And she's told her entire family and her friends about me. She sincerely cares.

And the way she makes me feel... I don't even know how to describe it. I'm just genuinely happy when I talk to her. She makes me laugh, she makes me smile. She makes me feel included and cared about. Its like 4 years ago, when we were first hanging out. Well, almost four years ago... back in July of 2008. I loved her so much. When she left, it was so difficult for me. I didn't even realize how difficult it was. It broke my heart and I haven't been able to really love anyone since then.

Now that I have her back I don't ever want to let her go again. I honestly think we were meant to be together. She's amazing. And we are better having each in the other's life than without. When she left, I went from one fucked up thing with a girl to another. My thinking changed. I valued the wrong things. Dated the wrong people. Got stuck in a almost two year relationship with someone I could never be happy with, searching for the things I wanted with Kelly from someone else. And she got into a almost 3 year relationship with a douche bag who treated her so terribly, abused her and cheated on her with a 14 year old a month before she was supposed to get married to him. And when we stopped talking when I got to Korea, back in November, I got a DUI and got into a crazy thing with that bitch, and she got addicted to alcohol and pills...

I think with her in my life, I'm not selfish anymore. I don't want things just for myself. I want things for the both of us. I want things for her. I want to make her life better. I want to always be there for her. I love her. I can actually see myself starting a family with her one day. I can't wait to be with her on Thursday. I just can't wait to wrap my arms around her and tell her how much I love her in person. And I can't wait until she moves here and we can actually be together. Like... a couple. Like... partners.

Maybe that is the difference. I just want to love her and be with her. She makes me more happy that anyone I've ever been with. I don't even know how many times I can say it. Lol. Think she may be the love of my life. I see her and she tugs at my heart strings. I wish I could wrap my arms around her and just love her forever. I miss her so damn much. I love her so damn much. I don't think I've ever been so sure of anything before in my life. I'm actually thinking of reenlisting for another 3 or 4 years, just so I can give her the things she needs in life. Wow. I've really fallen in love with her. Lol.

My Love

So, I bought my ticket and my leave has been approved so I'll be flying into Lambert Airport on the 3rd around 8:40 PM. I am so excited!! Kelly is going to pick me up and I can't fucking wait to wrap my arms around her again. I don't know how I ever let her go in the first place, or the second time... well, the second time, it was different. I wanted her to help herself. I wanted her to change on her own, without my motivation or influence and she did. I mean, she got a little lost on the way, but she got a job and a car. She took her GED, and only missed it by a few points, so she's taking it again.

I'm not saying I was trying to test her or anything but I just really wanted her to be able to do the things she wanted without anyone's help. And she did. I can admit it, I was worried. I've made a lot of mistakes and its hard trying to rebuild myself. I need someone who can take care of themselves, as well as allow me to take care of them. There has to be a balance. And its kind of a fragile balance, but if you're meant to be with someone then it will come easy. We both have a lot of growing up to do before we can reach our dreams but we have a really good start. And her moving here, is one big as step towards getting what we both want.

The one true thing I know that I want for her is for her to reach her goals and to be happy. But I also want her to live a little. Since, joining the Army, I've gotten to travel and explore new places and try new things I would never have if I stayed in Missouri. And now I want to share that with her. I hate that she's never been out of Missouri and Illinois. I hate that all she used to do was sit at her friends house, drinking and smoking and ruining all of that potential. I don't know if its all together right or wrong, but I want her to live in a nice place, in a nice neighborhood. I want her to have a nice car. I want her to have a nice, homey place to call home. With nice furniture and decorations. I want her to be active. I want her to explore with me. Travel with me. Try new and exciting things. And I want her to have a freaking bank account with some money saved up. I want her to have nice things. Is that wrong? I just want to chance her life, a little. For the better. Not saying that the way I live my life is perfect, cause its not, but it drives me crazy that she has to live her life the way she does.

And, I don't know. I am trying so hard to get away from the life I grew up in. Bad neighborhoods, shitty places to live, no money, drugs and alcohol and violence. I don't want that for my future kids. I don't want to do to them what was done to me. I don't ever want to have to experience all of that shit again. And I definitely don't want someone I love so much to have to go through it, also. Kelly has already been through so much. She deserves happiness and contentment and comfortability and stability. She deserves everything she needs and wants. And she deserves all the love one person can handle. That's what I want to give her. All of my love and devotion and heart.

Kelly Brown

So, me and Kelly.

Man that is such a complicated statement. I don't really know what to say about this woman. I've known her since she was 16... and now she's going to be 20 on the 29th. So nuts...

I liked her when she was 16 and I still like her now. Four years later and those feelings haven't gone away. I'm just not sure if she knows what she's getting herself into. Or if I even know what I'm getting myself in to with her.

I know who she used to be. I knew she used to drink and smoke and do drugs a lot. I know she blew her money on meaningless things. I know she didn't finish high school. I know she has a hard time sticking to the things she says because she just doesn't have that drive about her.

But I also know that she had got to have the kindest heart in the world. We started talking again before I left for Korea and as soon as I got back, I just stopped talking to her again. I knew how she felt about me and I allowed her to feel that way and I left the negative things about her cloud my judgement. Not because I think that makes her less of a person but because I thought it might hold us both back...

But now its April and we're right back to missing and wanting each other. She doesn't hold it against me. She was hurt but she's not angry or resentful. She just misses me and wants to see me. She still want to be with me. She still wants things to work out between us.

And now there is the possibility that maybe she might be pregnant. And the first thing I say is that I want her to move here so I can adopt the child and the Army would help support us.

She says certain things and they affect me. She calls me baby and my heart kind of skips a beat. She says her goofy little catch phrases and I think she's a dork but she's such a cute dork. Am I seriously falling for this girl? Did I already fall years ago and just never get over her??

It would kind of explain why I haven't been able to fall for anyone else. I haven't felt for anyone the way I felt for Kelly in such a long fucking time. Actually, since Kelly. Aside from the last person I tried to see, I haven't been into anyone - really into anyone knowing me or trying to know me - in such a freaking long time. Kelly was the last person that I just absolutely craved. I couldn't get enough of her. I put in so many hours at DQ just to be with her. I went to her house as often as possible, spent the night, was late for work once because of her and wasn't even mad at her about it. I even got her to call out of work once so that we could spend the day together. And I remember that day perfectly.

I couldn't do anything when she was 16 and I was 18? 19? But now she's almost 20. How can I possibly be with her now? She's thousands of miles away, living at home, pregnant and the guy wants to be involved. That is just a recipe for disaster. But its kind of my fault, isn't it? If I never would've stopped talking to her because I thought we wouldn't work, if I never would've tried things with dumb bitch... Kelly would've never had a one night with some douche.

This situation is so complicated. If she were here or I were there, I wouldn't be hesitating. But I don't know if my hestitation is simply because of distance or something else. Am I afraid of loving her?

Failure

I think I just feel like a fucking failure when I end up broke by the end of the month.

This is definitely something that makes me insecure. Which is why I decided to put it on this blog...

Does money equal success? Or maybe the ability to obtain the things I want?

What I really want for this summer is new books to read, a Kindle Fire, a PS3, some cool games that will be about $50 a piece and a bunch of cool hats and summer clothes. Once I go to St. Louis, I won't want to go anywhere or really see anybody. And I can't operate a car on post until February 14th of 2013 which is at least 11 months away from right now so... maybe I will have opportunities to save until then. But... my bonus.. $1300... I just wanted that to be put in a safe place. "For Emergencies Only" place but I'm spending it on everyone else. I feel like such a failure.

I am never going to be able to catch up to my friends who have hundreds maybe thousands of dollars saved up and still pay for bills and stuff without touching it.

I just feel like a failure. I don't know how to fucking do this. I don't know what's worth caring about. I don't know what's worth obtaining. I don't know what's worth anything at all. I feel guilty about buying a $150 Wii but I will blow $2000 on tickets for other people.

I'm sicking of having less than other people. I just want what everyone else has. It took me seven months just to get internet, for petes sake.

Money Problems

So, I know I'm not a bad person but I think I value money too much or not enough or maybe I just use it as a tool to show the people I care just how much I care about them and they just never see that.

Ugh. So, I bought Morgan's ticket to Washington a few days ago. ($275.40 + $11.95 + $21.00 so whatever that equals up to) and I still have to pay for the rental car and gas (To get there, while we're there, to get back and to return) and gas is SO fucking much these days. Plus food while we're there. I'm hoping I don't spend more than $500 for the entire weekend but who knows. I guess I will stop worrying about it once its all said and done but until its gone I'm just going to sulk about it.

In addition, I have to buy a ticket to St. Louis for Tiara's graduation that I hope won't be more than $400. Not to mention, I want my mom and Tamara to be there to, so... who the hell knows how much two plane tickets from LA and a hotel and a rental car is going to cost me. Hopefully, they stay with Maurice and it will just be a rental car that she needs. God, that's going to be like a thousand dollars. Ugh... Some how I have to get Tiara to pay for some of this.

Its my birthday. Why am I spending all of this money?

And then my monthly bills which include but are not limited to:

- $500 Lawyers
- $100 Cell Phone
- $100 Mom
- $57 Installation Free
- $52 Comcast
- $50 Thurston County
- $30 AE Credit Card
- $8 Netflix

Not to mention little things like fast food and groceries. So... That's $897 which I will graciously round up to $900...

I already got paid for the first so that's $702.00, minus the $500 for the lawyers on Monday which equals $200 until the 15th.  Then $700 for the second pay check minus the additional bills equals... $300 I might have to hang onto until the next paycheck in May.

So... plus or minus $500 for the ENTIRE month of April that I can hopfully save at least $300 of. So, that'll pay for my plane ticket, hopefully.

I'm paying for Morgan out of my savings. So that's like $700 out of my $1500 I had saved up so... I'll have $800 I'll have to spend on my mom. But after that... that's it. No more money for Mayo.

Then for the month of May!:

- $500 Lawyers
- $102 Cell Phone
- $100 Mom
- $52 Comcast
- $50 Thurston County
- $20 AE Credit Card
- $8 Netflix

Not including fast food and groceries or any other miscellaneous things, that's $829 that I will round up to at least $835... So, $702 on the first of May minus the lawyers thing is $200. So, $200 to last me until the 15th. Then $700 minus the rest of the bills is... $365 until June.

Good thing, however, is that I get to keep $500 of my check after May. So, if I just withdraw that $500 or maybe put it into saving, theoritically I can save up to ($500 times (June through February which is nine months) nine would be...) $4,500 for a new car next year.

But can I really afford a car once I'm able to actually buy one. If my payment is like... $200 a month plus $200 a month for car insurance, plus gas... maybe I can.

Even still, what am I going to do about my mom??

Friend.

"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us."

This is something I don't think Tay is going to realize until its too late.

It has only been five weeks since me and her have been talking and somehow she has already captured my heart. Like fully. It isn't like it was with Jaycee. Yeah, I cared about her and wanted to try to make things work, only because I'm stubborn and don't like to give up on things. But even as we were bullshitting around, I knew that things with us weren't going to work. In fact, everything about her either creeped me out or pissed me off. Everytime we were together, a part of me was just bored or freaked or disgusted and annoyed. The more I learned about her, the more I realized that she was nothing like the girl I wanted to be with.

But Taylor is so different. The more I learn about her, the more I like and want her. She is so different than the girls I have been with or been interested in the past. If I think about it, she has all the qualities I liked in the other girls and none of the qualities I disliked.

And its hard for me to admit this because I know I could be disappointed at any second, but I want things between us to work out. I want to invest my dreams in her. I'm just afraid.

Right now, I know she's not ready for anything. I honestly don't think she's even ready for anything casual, she just doesn't see that.

It took me three weeks to meet Jaycee, like her, enjoy her, want her and then become completely and utterly sick of her. And 8 weeks total to be completely done with her. Cause, lets face it, things were over before I ever even went to Korea.

I'm on week... five with Tay. I met her, liked her, wanted her, got her and still want more. Things between us have gotten strained a bit. She has a lot going on in her life and I have nothing and I don't know how to be understanding. I don't know how to deal with an ex-wife who still wants her and won't leave her alone. I don't know how to deal with the fact that she and this ex-wife have only been broken up for 3 months, at the most, and that she still has feelings for this ex. Despite the fact that she is completely crushed by her. That this ex treated her like she was shit, isolated her from her family and friends, told her every single day that she was worthless and wouldn't amount to anything - just tried to break her in every since of the word. That Tay might want this ex back. If not as a lover then maybe as a friend and that is so hard for me to accept.

And I think she realizes this, before I even thought about it, and decided that I couldn't handle the truth about it so she is deciding to lie about it. I think maybe a couple days ago, her ex called her up and convinced her to come over and Tay ended up spending the night. And I think that Tay doesn't want to tell me this because she thinks she will lose me. When she wouldn't. If that were true, I would've stopped seeing her the moment I thought she was being dishonest, but I haven't gone anywhere.

Instead, I'm decided to take a step back, breathe and think about things...

It has only been a few weeks since the two of us have started talking. Even though my mind and heart only want her and even though I have not talked to anyone else and have no plans of doing such, we are still in the casual stage. We're not together. She may be my girl but she is not my girlfriend and I'm not hers. In all honestly, she is just the girl I'm "fucking with" even though she means a thousand times more than that. But I mean, if I had to put a word for it, that's what it is. Harsh but true.

I can't expect her to tell me everything. She told me already that she's not ready for a relationship, to be committed, to fall in love.. for anything serious. She is entitlted to have her secrets. I think I'm just upset that I don't have anything worth hiding from her. I think I'm upset becauseI already went through the heart break/ bull shit/ getting past the dumb shit crap and am actually ready for a relationship now and she is not. Guess I should've taken the "I just broke up with my ex a month ago" thing more seriously... granted she didn't add in "wife" until we had already slept together but I decided to let that go. Even though... come on, what kind of bull shit is that. But whatever.

Anyway, I can't expect out of her what I would expect out of someone I am in a relationship with. At the same time, I have to remember that the most important thing is not that I have someone I want to be in a relationship with, but that someone I want to be in a relationship with is hurting on the inside, trying to heal and put her life back together and needs someone to listen and lean on. Tay is so good at being tough and a badass that I never really thought about how badly she is really hurting on the inside. I just wanted my presence to be enough when... that is not realistic at all.

Think I am focusing more on the relationship aspect of what we have and not the friendship. When right now, all Taylor really needs is a friend. Someone she can rely on. Even if that means my heart gets busted or I'm just rebound for her. I think I care about her that much already that I can do that for her.

Taylor

So. I'm pretty scared about this. Its only been a few weeks since me and Taylor met and started talking and we've only seen each other once (Dec. 30. 2011) but I like her so much. I'm trying to remind myself to take it slow and not rush things while also trying to appreciate the time we spend because its always the beginning you miss the most. Cause you take it for granted. The nervousness and anxiety of developing feelings for a beautiful girl that drives you wild.

I don't want to push things. I want them to flow naturally but I get so overwhelmed, you know. She is just so amazing and so gorgeous and so confident and it all is just really intimidating. I don't know how to NOT close myself. I just feel myself feeling more for her and I get scared and I don't even know it. Like, I can't control it. I just know get moody and instead of admitting that I want to hear her voice or look into her amazing eyes... I say nothing.

Maybe that is why I start distracting myself when we talk. Why I automatically pull up facebook or a card game. I'm really screwing this up. I need to figure out a way to show her that I care about her. I see now that I can't treat her the way I was treating the other girls. I can't just go all day without talking to her and then send her a few text about nothing and expect her to be okay with that. But I'm not sure how the fuck to show her that I care and how much.

But its a new year, a new beginning and hopefully a new T.J. And if I want to start being brave, I want it to be because of her. For her. Maybe I am trying too hard? Is this trying to hard? Doubts. Ugh. I want to be fearless. I want to open my heart up to her.